Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.
I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here
In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing
I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return
WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I'm in Love!
Well, I've gone and done it. I'm in love! He's not tall, dark and handsome. He's not rich and famous. Actually, he's not even a he. It's me! I'm in love with me! Fooled you, huh?
My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?
She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.
She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)
My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.
I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:
1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check
I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)
My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?
She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.
She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)
My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.
I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:
1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check
I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
47
I have to admit that I was not a very nice person on my birthday. It was a real struggle for me. Lots of emotions coming to the surface. I spent a lot of the day crying. I didn't want to, but I did. At the end of the day, love won. I have so many friends and family to be thankful for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I didn't return calls or texts or messages on facebook until the end of the day. I just really wanted to be alone and waller in my emotions. But my friends and family were persistant. I think I am rather transparent by now.
I started the day with a walk with my friend Sherie. I knew that I had to get a walk in because Jensen was at home making me a cake. Sherie and I walked two miles. I came home and walked another three.
Melody and Jean both called and sang Happy Birthday, at separate times. Melody invited me to breakfast but I wouldn't go.
Jensen made me a cake and she and Madison cleaned the house for me. They gave me my gifts, the movie "Rio" that Jensen and I had seen together at the theatres and a pair of my very own headphones that I can use with their Ipods when I go walking.
The three of us watched a marathon of Arrested Development, my favorite TV show. It always makes me laugh and laugh I did. Madison went to work, Jensen went to band camp and I ran errands and cried some more. Then went to work and cried some more when Melody showed up at Domino's with all five of her kids and sang Happy Birthday to me. I guess I should have answered her texts.
When I got home from work there was a sign on my door that said, "Happy Birthday Sister Stanford." It was signed by all of the students in my Sunday school class, even Ethan Garrett before he left. They have been planning this for quite some time, little sneaks. They gave me two pairs of funky reading glasses. I cried some more.
Robin Evans had made me some delicious cupcakes. I didn't return her messages either. She sent them home with Jensen from church. They were delicious! I cried again.
At church Jensen had made another gift for me. It is a cute little scrapbook. It incorporated all of the things that I like. I cried again.
I got 72 birthday wishes on Facebook. I got texts that wished me happy birthday. I didn't count those yet. Oh, and my drinking buddy Bob Shofkom called to wish me a Happy Birthday.
So, even though I was in a snit, my friends and family still love me unconditionally and I am forever grateful and I hope they don't give up on me.
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