Turn on the Light!

I'm wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I feel like I am the star of a major motion picture, not the beautiful star that falls in love with the handsome leading man and they live happily ever after but, the dumb one that does dumb stuff. For example, the one that goes into a dark room and doesn't turn on the light. Or the one that keeps making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. The audience screams, "Ugh! Are you kidding me?", "Again?", "Don't do it dummy!" Some members of the audience get up and walk out because they can't believe what is happening. They shout, "If she does that again, I'm not watching anymore!" Some people continue to watch because it is like a train wreck. They just can't turn away. They feel better about their own lives. Sometimes I feel like part of the audience and I can hear myself screaming, "Don't do it!"

I thought by writing this blog that I could get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I'll see as the day progresses. It's a start, right?

Walk Away

Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.

I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here

In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing

I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return

WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King

I'm in Love!

Well, I've gone and done it. I'm in love! He's not tall, dark and handsome. He's not rich and famous. Actually, he's not even a he. It's me! I'm in love with me! Fooled you, huh?

My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?

She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.

She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.

I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:

1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check

I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)

47

I have to admit that I was not a very nice person on my birthday. It was a real struggle for me. Lots of emotions coming to the surface. I spent a lot of the day crying. I didn't want to, but I did. At the end of the day, love won. I have so many friends and family to be thankful for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I didn't return calls or texts or messages on facebook until the end of the day. I just really wanted to be alone and waller in my emotions. But my friends and family were persistant. I think I am rather transparent by now.

I started the day with a walk with my friend Sherie. I knew that I had to get a walk in because Jensen was at home making me a cake. Sherie and I walked two miles. I came home and walked another three.

Melody and Jean both called and sang Happy Birthday, at separate times. Melody invited me to breakfast but I wouldn't go.

Jensen made me a cake and she and Madison cleaned the house for me. They gave me my gifts, the movie "Rio" that Jensen and I had seen together at the theatres and a pair of my very own headphones that I can use with their Ipods when I go walking.

The three of us watched a marathon of Arrested Development, my favorite TV show. It always makes me laugh and laugh I did. Madison went to work, Jensen went to band camp and I ran errands and cried some more. Then went to work and cried some more when Melody showed up at Domino's with all five of her kids and sang Happy Birthday to me. I guess I should have answered her texts.

When I got home from work there was a sign on my door that said, "Happy Birthday Sister Stanford." It was signed by all of the students in my Sunday school class, even Ethan Garrett before he left. They have been planning this for quite some time, little sneaks. They gave me two pairs of funky reading glasses. I cried some more.

Robin Evans had made me some delicious cupcakes. I didn't return her messages either. She sent them home with Jensen from church. They were delicious! I cried again.

At church Jensen had made another gift for me. It is a cute little scrapbook. It incorporated all of the things that I like. I cried again.

I got 72 birthday wishes on Facebook. I got texts that wished me happy birthday. I didn't count those yet. Oh, and my drinking buddy Bob Shofkom called to wish me a Happy Birthday.

So, even though I was in a snit, my friends and family still love me unconditionally and I am forever grateful and I hope they don't give up on me.

Mending My Net

This week's feelings are brought to you by, "I am ugly". This has not been a good week. I have been feeling ugly. No I'm not fishing for compliments. It is what it is.

I thought I was almost finished with therapy. I even had my therapist convinced...almost. She let me cancel one appointment but she said she wanted to keep the other ones scheduled, just in case. She's very wise. She busted me. Well really it might have something to do with that I couldn't stop crying at my last appointment. She had said before that every once in a while I would still have emotions come to the surface. I didn't believe her. Now I do.

I told her I had been feeling really ugly. I feel used, dried up, old, ugly, unlovable, unattractive, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I have nothing to give. She said, "When fishermen can't fish, they mend their nets. Now is the time for you to mend your net." In other words, I have to work on my innards. My soul. My self-worth. My divine nature.

Then she said we are going to do some inner child work. My assignment this week is to get out a picture of myself when I was five and write a letter to that little girl. Great! If you see me crying just move along.

And then she upped my appointments to once a week.

My Dwindling Village

Today I took two of my best friends to the airport. Danette and Melena, and of course Camryn, but she is Jensen's best friend.

Danette is leaving me again! I can't help but think in the back of my mind that it will only for be for 7 months again, but I really don't think so.

We became even closer friends when they moved back from Montana. Since she found out she was moving to Wyoming, it seems we experienced a lot of the same emotions as we went simultaneously through major life changes.

She was my sounding board. I would call her up and vent and rant and rave and she would listen. She was part of my village, my circle of trust. I'm really going to miss her. I know that with today's technology we can still keep in touch, but I can't walk to her house when I am angry or lonely or bored. Well I could but by the time I got there I will forget what I went for. Because according to Melena, "It would take you 28 days and 13 hours of non-stop walking to get from Florida to Wyoming. with a total of 2,093 miles".

I really think their leaving was the source of my crying jig that lasted for several days. Their friendship has been invaluable to me. They have been really supportive emotionally and physically. They are always helping me take care of Jensen, giving her rides places, giving me rides places. Letting Jensen practically live with them. Letting me practically live with them.

It's unwritten but if something happens to me, they get Jensen. We've always talked about it. They actually want partial custody of her now. They will probably get her for two weeks in the summer. I'm really gong to miss them.

You can read more about our friendship here or here

Rescuing Myself

On occasion, I get overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness, truthfully, on a lot of occasions. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with financial burdens, truthfully, a lot of times. When I get these feelings it makes me feel like I am a damsel in distress and I need a hero on a white horse to come into my life and rescue me. Then the daydream is over and reality slaps me across the face.

I don't like feeling like the damsel in distress. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable. It leads to bad decisions. I mentioned it to my therapist. She had the best piece of advice. She said, "You don't need anyone to rescue you, you have rescued yourself! You pay your bills, you have a good job, you have your education, you have made so much progress in every part of your life. You're doing this!" And then I had a moment of enlightenment. "Yeah! I'm doing this! I don't need anyone to rescue me!"

I still wouldn't mind that hero on the white horse. Or black horse. Or brown horse. Or he could even walk. No never mind. I'll take one with a nice car. He can take me to dinner, pay my bills, we could hang out. No rescuing needed. :)

Go ME!

During the last few years I have not been stepping on a scale much, as you can clearly see. I have been eating whatever I want. I figured that I needed comfort and the only way I was going to get that was with food. Apparently, I have thought that way for several years.

When things started going sour with my marriage, I started seeing a psychiatrist. He put me on anti-depressants. I'm sure these had something to do with SOME of the weight gain. I knew it was a side effect, but I didn't care. I knew I needed the anti-depressants at the time to help keep me alive. I tried several different anti-depressants; I think four to be exact. I quit each ones for various reasons from side effects to cost. The last on I was on made me have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure in my entire life. In the meantime, the psychiatrist also put me on a sleep medication. I noticed that with a good night's sleep that I wasn't as depressed, as frenetic, as anxious, or have as many racing thoughts. It was also the time that I had that debilitating virus. It was also the time when issues in my life were starting to resolve themselves. I thought it would be a good time to go off of the anti-depressants. It was.

During recent weeks, on occasion, I would step on the scale. I noticed that I had lost a pound or two here and there. I would think, "hmmm, it's a light day," or "hmmm...I'm sure I will gain it back." The scale kept going down and I wasn't even trying.

Sooo...I decided to try! This week I have been making myself aware of calorie intake. I have been exercising, even if it's in the Florida heat! I have been drinking lots of water. I only eat when I am hungry. If I have to eat my emotions I try to make it nutritionally dense calories. The scale continues to go down. This week I celebrated a 10 pound weight loss by buying (on clearance) a hot pink workout shirt for me and a matching one for Madison and Jensen! When I am finished I hope to look as hot as my friend Melody Shipley.

Kayak-yak-yaking

Jensen woke me up at 6:30 and we sported our new workout shirts and we went for a two mile walk. I have been reading about High Intensity Interval Training so we incorporated some of that.

Sister Mann wanted to have Melena over for one last breakfast before the Garretts move to Wyoming. Since Melena and Jensen are salt and pepper shakers, she invited Jensen too. Danette, Camryn and I were lucky enough to tag along. Sister Mann makes the "best" breakfasts, let me tell you. Pancakes, French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, and orange rolls for dessert. Yum!

As soon as Danette dropped me off at my house her mom, Dana came to pick me up. We were off to Anastasia State Park for a Single Adult activity. When we got there, we walked down to the beach to call everyone to lunch. I took a dip in the ocean and it was splendid. It was so hot outside but the water was nice and cool. We had a tasty lunch and then Dana and I were off to rent kayaks.

I had never been kayaking but it has been on my bucket list. Dana wasn't sure if she was gonna go. She didn't at first but once she saw how much fun I was gonna have she told me to wait up.

The water was absolutely beautiful. It was actually in an inlet so we didn't have to fight the waves or the sharks. They told us we could go around the bend to the light house. I paddled over and could see the lighthouse and got fairly close but saw no reason to go right up to it. Plus, being the frugal person that I am, I didn't want to rent the kayak for more than an hour. I just paddled around and sometimes I would sit and the let the water carry us. It was very calm and serene. The whole time I was kayaking saw flying fish come up out of the water. Sometimes they were right close. On the way back to shore I saw a school of about three or four dolphins. They were only about 50 feet away. It was amazing. I watched them for a while and it looked like they were really in school. They traveled several hundred feet and then one of them turned around like he/she was the teacher.

As soon as Dana dropped me off, I jumped in the shower and then a few minutes later Danette picked me up. Roxanne Ingalls had invited the girls over who had helped serve dinner at the High Council Chritstmas party. It was Nellie, Nashua, Jensen, Melena and Lauren. Luckily, the mothers were invited. We had yummy Navajo tacos and fruit crepes. After eating, we played a card game.

It was a long, eventful day. No weight loss but lots of yummy food, exercise and fun friends. Zip-lining is the next fun adventure for me and Dana. I can't wait!

Janine Porter

Today I went to the temple. I haven't been in several months, too many months. The underlying reasons being that I haven't felt very Christlike and then a series of unfortunate events that were poor choices on my part. (Don't judge me). I thought since so much time had passed and I had worked through lots of issues, that I would be ok. Not so much.

It was actually bittersweet. The bitter part being that I was flooded with emotions of grieving. The sweet part being that I ran into a friend that created a blast from the past.

When I was baptized at the age of 10, I had the most amazing Branch President, Evan D. Porter, Jr. and he had the most amazing wife, Janine. They had the most amazing marriage. I remember, as a youth, thinking that I wanted my marriage to be just like theirs. They were so in love and so committed to the gospel. In my mind, they were perfect. President Porter was an amazing leader. When he spoke to me I felt like he was talking to my soul. He could see inside. I wanted to do what was right so as not to disappoint him. The counsel that he gave to me in my youth was a major reason that I made the correct choices that I did.

President Porter was there when the Branch became a Ward. Then they moved to Kissimmee. He became the Stake President. He had a lot to do with the planning of the Orlando Temple. He helped to find the property and met with planning and zoning commissioners. I'm not sure if he got to enjoy the temple when he was on this earth. He passed away from cancer 19 years ago this week. President Porter was the type of person that I know Heavenly Father wants working close to him so I am sure that is why he died at such a young age. He had much work to do.

It seems like every time I go to the temple, I think of the Porters. Yesterday was no exception. I sat down in the chapel and saw a lady that looked like Janine. I thought, "Nah, that can't be her. She lives in Arizona now." When we got to the next room, I could see her face and knew it was her. I sat beside her and cried the whole time. After the session, we were able to chat and catch up. It was a wonderful visit. She told me about her kids that I use to babysit. It's hard to believe so much time has passed. She also told me that she just retired from being a middle school teacher.

Although I loved seeing her, it was a difficult reminder that I never achieved the type of marriage that she had. We still have a lot in common. We both lost our husbands, we both love our children, we both are middle school teachers, we are both daughters of God, we both went to the temple yesterday and most important I have to remind myself that I still have all of the same promised blessings.

Today was not a coincidence.

Guilty Parent Syndrome (GPS)

This is a textbook case of what I have diagnosed as Guilty Parent Syndrome. After the last year and with me having to work two jobs, I feel guilt.

It was time for a visit to my friend, Elaine (Ellie Mae Clampett). Since I had a workshop in Howey, I thought that is half-way so I will go visit her one of those days. I had her pick up Jensen in Howey and then I went over afterwards. Jensen spent the night and I went back Tuesday to pick her up. In the meantime, Jensen fell in love with Red. Elaine had rescued Red from a neighbor who was neglecting him. Jensen begged and begged for Red to come home with us. I tried to dissuade her. "What about Daisy? What about Otto? There will not be enough love to go around". "Who will take him for walks?" "Who will clean up after him?" She said, with big sad eyes, that she would do all of that. I'm thinking, while I roll my eyes "Yeah, right."

She said that she was responsible. I had to agree with her on that one. I often say that she is the most responsible person in this house, including me. All week long, she cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. She washed dishes, washed clothes, cleaned the front porch, cleaned the back porch, and cleaned the back yard. I should have held out for more chores being done, but on Friday night, Red came home with us. Crazy? I know. But who can say, "No?" to Jensen? I'm such a pushover. At least I don't feel guilt anymore.

Fear not

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. I don't know why, I just am. A few weeks ago I read an article on aol.com about a woman who was facing her fears. She had lost a job that she'd had for a long time. She felt like she was starting her life all over. For some reason, that resonated with me. She decided that she would face a fear each day and record it. Luckily, she is a writer and received a huge advance for a book. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to face my fears.

Over the last few years, I have had been forced to overcome my fears whether I liked it our not. Now, as I move forward, I have will face my fears on my own...hopefully. I will face them before they face me. The author of the article would face fears like skydiving, living in a foreign country, speaking up when she had an opinion. She was trying to find her voice and be heard. Again, like me.

While I had been thinking about fear my friend Debbie Carter gave a talk in church about fear. I loved the quote she used by Thomas S. Monson, "Fear is the enemy of growth and accomplishment."

"Yes," I thought, "That's it!"

I want to grow and accomplish much.

Sometimes I feel like I am fearless but the truth of the matter is, I have lots of fears. My bucket list is full of facing my fears like bungee jumping, going on the Tower of Terror, and swimming with sharks. (That one is not really on there but it sounded cool). It's not just about the adrenaline rush.

Some of the fears I am going to be facing head on and that I may or may not record (since I'm not getting money) are:

Change-Actually I kind of like change now. Bring it on.

Money- or lack thereof. But “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). I am trying to be prepared. This one takes a lot of faith, too. My house is in foreclosure, but I am preparing for the final day occupancy. I know that I will be taken care of and I won't be homeless. And even if I have to live in a van down by the river, that will be ok, too.

What others think- I know I am not supposed to care what others think but let's face it. We all do to some degree. I just don't want to disappoint my kids or friends or family. I value their opinion. I try not to let what others think be my guiding force and make decisions for myself.

Giving up control- this one takes faith also. I've had to really strengthen my faith and let God take control of my life.

Speaking up-It's really hard for me to express my beliefs if they differ from others. I'm getting better at it. It's also difficult for me to speak up and talk to new people. I know you're rolling your eyes and saying, "Seriously?" It's a true story.

I hope to grow much and accomplish much. Maybe one day I will get a book deal. Who knows? Myabe postmortem?

See Ya Later

I've tried to avoid this as long as possible because I break out in tears when I think about it, but it's time to say goodbye to three of my favorite people. I thought about naming this entry a Farewell to Friends, but I don't want this to be a farewell. I want it to be a 'see ya later'. I know it will be.

I just want to share some of my favorite memories.

Brianna Carter-
Driving to Apopka and jammin' to the tunes, laughing hysterically, having dinner in Apopka's ghetto, shopping, Rebounderz, the beach, texting, sharing her testimony with me at Adam-ondi-Ahman

Debbie Carter-
going to the temple, book club, serving in Young Women-listening to her lessons, she's an amazing teacher! Blogging-I love reading her blogs. Her example has kept me blogging even with long gaps in my posts. It's a way for me to write my personal history. When I post, I look forward to her comments. I'm pretty sure she is my most avid commenter.

Her husband once counseled me that I needed to make friends with people that had strong testimonies. I picked Debbie. (I'm sure he regrets that counsel). I borrowed strength from her testimony when mine was wavering. She has proven trustworthy and non-judgmental. She has listened to me rant and rave and carry on, whether it was through e-mails or chatting while we walk. We talked about everything from families, to politics, to gospel doctrine. She's a great cheerleader. She set an example for my by serving a service mission. Now serving is on my bucket list. I want to be like Debbie when I grow up.

Doug-
My favorite thing to do is rib him about his lame Jet Ski driving skills and how he can't dump me into the lake.

President Carter, as my Stake President, spent countless hours counseling me when I was downtrodden. Most of the time we sat knee-to-knee. (How could I not be obedient, right?) He pushed me to grow spiritually and to raise the bar. He once gave me a blessing and in the blessing he said I needed to have charity. I was pretty sure he was mistaken. I mulled it over for a few days. I finally called him and asked, "Are you sure that's right? I'm supposed to have charity?' He said, "Yes, that is correct." Even though I knew the definition of charity, and I feel like I have a charitable heart, I had never really been tested on it. So I prayed for charity. It took a while, but it finally came. He was right. That's what I needed and it's what the Lord wanted for me. President Carter was there for me, day or night. He often knew what I was thinking and feeling without me even telling him, or without me even knowing myself. I know he had this power because of his calling, but I also think it is one of his spiritual gifts. If I was able to choose a brother, it would be Doug Carter.

So now, as you leave on the next chapter of your lives, I bid you adieu. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Til we meet again...

School Year 2010-2011

As the school year ends, it is a time of reflection. It was a rough year to say the least, both emotionally and physically. I've had the privilege to work side-by-side with two of the most amazing people ever. (hyperbole) Last year, Katie Gates and Dave Harris were asked to start a pilot program that would target students who had been retained or failed at least one grade. This program would give them the opportunity to skip a grade and get back on track. The students were not necessarily retained or failed because of intellectual ability or disability. On the contrary, most had suffered some major life-altering personal tragedy and pretty much lost hope. Our job was to help them succeed and become reinvested in their education and to give them hope. The program was a great success. I was brought on board as the ESE teacher because some of the students did have an Individual Education Plan. Unfortunately, the program will not continue next year because the school is implementing a similar program handed down from the state (AVID). It's kind of sad because it does not target the same demographic and the type of students we had will not have the opportunity and will more than likely fall through the cracks. The new program targets GPA, economic status and students whose parents did not graduate from college.

When we started this year some of the guidance counselors did not understand the program and The Academy, as it is known, became a dumping ground for students with poor behavior. The teachers were not included in the selection process like we were last year. It was a rough crowd. We made it through to the end of the first semester and we were able to promote some students and were able to return some students to the regular classroom. It was a much better crowd after that.

We all three went through a lot of personal struggles. Katie and I both went through physical trials. She broke her foot and had surgery and some other stuff that I can't think of right now. I had the alien viral arthritis. Her divorce was final the day after mine. Most days she would give me a ride to school and we would act as each other's therapist. We shared a lot of tears and hugs. Dave lost a few family members in death. He was still dealing with the loss of his mother from last year. He had some other personal struggles but he was our rock. He picked up the slack that Katie and I left in our wake. And he never complained. We worked like a well-oiled machine. We had lunch together every day and laughed at the little world we had created. I couldn't have made it through this year without these two people.

When I was not re-hired at Eustis Elementary school, I was kicking and screaming and angry. It was the perfect job for me. It was only a mile from home. I had taught there for 8 years. I knew all of the kids. I am an alumni of Eustis Elementary for Pete’s sake. Why was God doing this to me? At the same time I went through a personal tragedy. I had said a prayer and asked God to please put people in my life who could help me. He did. I had to go to Tavares Middle School to find them, Dave and Katie.

I also met some fabulous students. I was lucky because my job was to go between classes and help co-teach. If a student failed a test I would re-teach and then re-test. Most days I spent putting out fires of drama. I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time acting as a therapist or a mom for the students. They would share their stories with me and I often went home in tears. My heart bled for them. I hope that I made a difference, even if it was just for the day.

As I was thinking about the job that I wanted for next year I thought, "I would like to be a Co-operative Consultation teacher." We had two teachers doing the job and I thought, "They will never leave that job. They are good at what they do." My weakest skill of my job is writing Individual Education Plans. I have wanted to learn more about how to write an effective one but I rarely had time. The training I had was on-the-job. I would usually rush through it and then the ESE specialist would change everything, so it seemed.

Today, the principal called me into the office and said that I would be teaching Co-operative Consultation next year. One of the teachers in that position would be moving to another position. I felt that my prayers had been answered. I am so excited. I will have my own office and small room. The students are allowed to leave the classroom and come to my office for assistance as one of their accommodations. I will still be able to work with them one-on-one or in small groups, which is my favorite part of my job. I'm just afraid I am gong to miss the classroom. I really liked co-teaching and being in the classroom with another teacher and the kids.

I'm sure Dave and Katie will let me come and hang out in their classroom.

Charlie's Angels

Once upon a time there were two little girls who went to the police academy...Jennifer Anderson and I have had a lot of testosterone lying around so we felt the need to burn some of it. We have been planning a trip to go shoot guns for about two months now and just have not been able to get our schedules to coincide. Tonight, the planets aligned and we finally made it to the Gun Shop & Gun Range in Leesburg.
I have never even held a real gun. It was a lot of fun and very empowering. This is my first target. I call him my sexy new boyfriend Jimmy. He made me mad so I had to shoot him. When I got home Jensen reminded me that zombies can't be killed by shooting. I'm pretty sure Jimmy is an exception. I tore him up.
This is our first gun. I would tell you about it but really I have no clue. When Mr. Shorer talked...well I had my ear gear on, and really I just wanted to get busy shooting. The next two guns were 9mm. I remember that much. I knew I had to take pictures because my step-dad would ask what kind of gun I shot and I would have to say, "I dunno" and shrug my shoulders. Now I can just show him pictures and I'm sure he can identify them.

Jennifer and her sexy zombie, clown boyfriend. I didn't catch his name. Names don't matter. She tore him up, too!
Jennifer gearing up. She looks like a beautiful Kate Jackson but I'm afraid I look nothing like Farrah Fawcett.

We looked around the shop at some interesting gadgets. I took pictures of Jennifer trying them out. I promised her I wouldn't share, but really I would for a fee, or if she ever made me mad.

We stopped at Tiajuana Flats for a bite to eat but left qucikly when a roach flew down and landed on a lady at the next table over. Bleh.

Jensen Taylor Clayton - 15

Born June 5, 1996


Also known as,
Bensen-Madison thinks she is her personal butler
Jeenson-with a country accent like her country cousins say it
Jensoney full of baloney-Cuz someitmes she is
Jen-nay- like Forrest Gump would say, peas and carrots
J-Lo or Jenny from the block-Cuz she has a big bootie like J-Lo
J-Dog-Gangsta name
Jenny Jones-because I like alliterations
Shortstuff, Munchkin, Fun Size, Periwinkle-all names given to her by school friends
JT and Nerd Girl - what her grandpa calls her

Acceptance and Forgiveness

"Tell me about she good times," she said.

I replied, "There weren't any."

"Surely there was something. You were in it for 25 years. You wouldn't have stayed that long if there were nothing good," she prodded for a better answer.

"I got nothing", I said blankly.

She replied, "You've got your kids."

Perking up and almost defensive, I answer, "Of course, they are the good part. They are the reason I keep going. The reason I keep choosing to live. They are fantastic!"

She continues to question, "Tell me something else."

I'm shaking my head "No". Staring ahead and trying to find something in the dark recesses of my mind. Again I answer, "I got nothing."

She lets it go for now. She knows it will come later, and it does.

After all of the pain,
the heartache,
the anger,
the rage, oh, the rage
the vindictiveness,
the revenge,
the crying,
the screaming,
the spite,
the spewing,


after it's all gone,

then I remember...

I remember the good times. I remember the friendship. I remember the laughter. I remember the funny. I remember.

Now I can mourn the loss of the good times. I cry. I cry some more.

Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe this is forgiveness. I hope so. I'm ready.

Maybe we can be friends.

Plan B - Week 1

:)

Plan "B"

Today I received my Plan B in the mail. It officially started on Monday when the judge signed (or stamped) my final divorce decree. Although I knew it was coming, it was still so...final. It's probably similar, although I don't know for sure, like when you know someone is going to die. You prepare for it, you start the grieving process, you start cleaning out belongings and downsizing, you make plans for the future and then when it actually happens and is final...BLAM! That's right...sorrow. It was kind of physically numbing.

I had to snap out of it quick because I had to work tonight. It was kind of a good distraction. It's also a good thing the pollen count is high. People won't know I'm crying. I just say it's allergies.

All I can say is that a quarter of a century is a long time. It's a lot to process and a lot to let go. This was not in my plans, not what I signed up for.

I am blessed to have a plethora of friends in my support network. They told me that I would be ok. I have to believe them.

My friends and I are symbiotic and, although our situations are not exactly the same, some are facing life changes. My one friend was told to not fear the future but to look at it in wonderment. I wonder what my future will hold? I wonder what my Paln "B" will be?

The Other Side of Sorrow

Sometimes others have words that describe what I am feeling better than I do.

"For what it's worth, this is my experience: at the very moment of my deepest sorrows, no words, no songs, no inspirational thoughts or sympathy card sayings have ever penetrated my grief and brought comfort to my soul. Later, perhaps, and only little by little have those healing tools helped me, but never when the hurt was the greatest. It's been on the journey to the other side of sorrow that the songs and stories of those who've made it there themselves have had the greatest impact." Michael McClean

These are the words on one of his CDs. It really resonated with me. Most days I feel like I am past my deepest sorrows. And then Blam! Not so much. Luckily, the grief doesn't last as long. I would like to think that I am on the journey to the other side of sorrow. The healing tools are starting to work.

I haven't been able to listen to the CD yet because I'm afraid. It gives me comfort though, to know that I'm not alone. Someone else has been there and survived.

Best Mother's Day Ever

I loved the years that my kids made me breakfast in bed or homemade cards or picked wild flowers for Mother's Day but I have to say that I also love that they are all three working, including the little one with babysitting.

This year they all three chipped in and bought me a gift certificate for a one hour deep tissue massage! Oh yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. They are so in tune with my needs. They know that I'm a little stressed lately for some reason. Maybe it's because my head spins and I spew ugly words. Do you think that's it? Maybe they had their own needs in mind when they bought it. If mama's happy, everybody's happy? Nah, I think they did it because they love me. They also bought me some lotion from Bath and Body Works. It has become the girls in this house new favorite store. I bet Parker uses the lotion when we aren't looking. Sometimes his skin gets ashy too! And I also got a Zen Garden. Do you see a link? All things to try and get mom to relax.

After church we had my mom and step-dad over for a Mother's Day lunch. Madison even helped a lot with that and served my lunch. Awesome! The rest of the day we took naps in between watching episodes from How I Met Your Mother.

I love my kids and I love being a mother.

Thank you Madison, Parker and Jensen! Oh and I can't forget Otto and Daisy because they also signed the gift certificate:)

A Man in Uniform

I know I'm not supposed to be looking for a new man yet, my divorce isn't final. I thought I would go ahead and set some standards of what I want him to be like. If you see hide or hair of someone like this have him text, e-mail, or "friend" me on Facebook. Who doesn't love a man in uniform?

The Middletons

I don't know their official title so I am going to call them "The Middletons"

I guess I need to share my opinion of the Royal Wedding. I'm not really "into" the wedding schmedding gala. I really don't approve of the 34 million dollars or pounds that was spent. I'm just glad I'm not British and have to worry about my money being spent that way. I have enough to worry about as to where my tax dollars go. But that's just me being a minimalist. There is another side of me that is fascinated by the event. I don't remember ever thinking that I was a princess when I was younger. I was quite the tomboy so I'm pretty sure I was the solider guarding the princess. I now consider myself a princess of a King, it's not the same, I know. No pomp and circumstance needed for me.

I have to admit that I watched the highlights with intrigue. There are some things that I liked about it. I liked that Kate's dress was simple and modest. I'm not a big fan of lace but, it looked good on her. I like that they honored a lot of Princess Di's traditions and memories. I think Kate is absolutely stunning! I think Princess Di would have approved. No wonder William fell in love with her, she's a lot like his mother. I like that instead of a bunch of cut flowers, she used live tress in Westminster Abbey. For a long time after my Happily-Ever-After was thwarted, I only believed in Good-Enough-Ever-After. After seeing these two kiss as a Prince and Princess, I have to say I might believe in Happily-Ever-After again. I think they might get it. One day maybe I'll get Happily-Ever-After. I have to hope.

Raising Hope

I've been thinking about writing this blog since I watched, "Raising Hope" on Tuesday night. It's funny where we get our inspirtation. I love that show. The family is hysterically dysfunctional and it makes me feel better about my family, the one I was born into and the one I created. I don't think we can ever be that dysfunctional...or could we?

This episode was about the teen dad and his parents trying to get his baby to "self-soothe" and go back to sleep without being picked up and rocked back to sleep. The inspiration came in me thinking that is something I need to do, "self-soothe". Since going through divorce and the emotions it entails, I have indulged in some self-defeating activities that would be more in the line of "eat, drink and be merry" instead of self-soothing.

I've been eating whatever I darn well please. This is usually anything that includes sugar or carbohyrates such as, bags of Oreos and Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Potato Chips. I've been drinking an over abundance of diet coke, and not enough water. (Bet you thought I was going to say booze). And depending on others, like friends, Romans and countrymen, to bring me merriment. Really what I need to do is find merriment within myself. I need to be okay with just me, to find happiness independent of another.

I really don't mind being alone. I spent the whole day with just me. I did some things that needed to be done and some things that had to be done. I had a good time with just me, myself and I.

The part that I abhor is the loneliness. Ugh! It's killing me. Wo(men) are not made to be alone. I now understand why people go from one toxic relationship to another, they don't want to be lonely!

Ok, I think I got off track here with the loneliness. Back to self-soothing. Since no one is going to pick me up and rock me to sleep, some things that I came up with to self-soothe are: read, especially sciptures, finish a jig-saw puzzle that I started months ago, write in my journal, blog, listen to uplifting music, work on my vision board, work on my bucket list, write letters, pray, and hum my favorite hymn. Although I have a plethora of friends, they are not available when I'm lonely. I will use the aformentioned skills. And those countrymen, I just to need to leave them alone, but they are so enticing. Grrr!

Excuse Me While I Talk to Myself

Dear Debbbie,
Is you crazy? Let me see how many cliche's I can use to get my point across. If you keep doin' what you are doin', you gonna get what you got! Seriously? One step forward and five steps back? Is this what you want? I will answer that, "No! It is not what you want!"

You have got to stay focused on the prize. Stop that dilly-dallying out in left field. I know you hear Geroge Lopez's voice in your head saying, "I got this!" Let me tell you something, "You don't got this!" You need to stop thinking you can do everything by yourself. Cuz guess what? You can't! You need help. You need to take a chill pill and just chillax. Stop and smell the roses. Live in the now. You know what I'm sayin'?

Focus on what's important. And what is important? I will answer that, too. Family, self and gospel. That's what is important. Eye on the prize.

And by the way, stop giving your heart away. It just gets put through the shredder and handed back to you. You only get one heart and you gots to protect it.

Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there and fight the good fight. You can do this. Stop looking back and side to side. Stay focused!

Trusting Happiness

I want to say that I am happy. I might even be happier than I have been in a really long time. Do I say ever? Maybe. It's hard for me to trust happiness. My life has been extremely topsy-turvy for the last, I don't know, at least 5 years or more. A lot has happened besides the dissolution of my marriage. I won't bore you with the details, but gosh. Now it seems I am sighing a lot. A sigh of relief. I don't trust happiness because I never know when something, a small moment, will trigger despair or depression. I think I have learned a lot of new coping skills and thought processes. I am able to change the tapes that play in my head, change my reasoning. When something happens I am able to pull myself out of it rather quickly. I think I have had more good days than bad days during the last few weeks. I know that I still have a lot of challenges to face but I think I will be ok. Should I just jump in, feet first and hope that happiness will stay? I think I will.

Pride and Prejudice

No, I'm not talking about a Jane Austen book or movie. I've never read one of her books or seen any of the movies. Although I think it's on Debbie Carter's bucket list to convert me to a reader of the books and a watcher of the movies, I have no desire. I don't know… the idea of men wearing ascots just seems so...um...fancy...to me.

What I'm writing about is more character flaws that I have found in my fearless and searching moral inventory of myself. Yep! That's right. I'm prideful. I don't mean the pride like as rational concern for my appearance or pride in my race or nation or sexuality. I don't mean pride as in haughty, "I'm better than you because I'm richer than you and have nicer things than you." (We all know that's not true). I mean pride as in, "I'm a better person than you."

Where does the pride come from? It comes from being prejudice. And by prejudice, I mean judgmental. The word prejudice has it's origins in the word judge. Prejudice makes for a better title for my post. Pride and judgment just didn't flow. So yeah, being judgmental is hard to admit. I have always “prided” myself on not being judgmental but really, I am. I don't judge others by the house they live in, the clothes they wear, the religion they practice, or the politicians they vote for. I don't judge someone because of their size, shape, color, race, ethnicity, or sexuality. Do you know what I judge others for? Their character flaws. I know, right? Who knew? Not me, until I did this inventory.

I have been judging another by their inability to be honest, their work ethic (or lack of), their temper, their need to be a victim, their selfishness, their inability to complete tasks, their inability to do the things I would like them to do or do them how I want them done, and their inability to meet my expectations. The list could go on and on but this is painful enough. This judgment leads to pride. Me thinking that, "I am always honest, I am a harder worker, I can control my temper at all times, I'm selfless, I can finish anything. You must do things my way for it is the only right way!" These things are just not true. I'm not always honest, I don't always control my temper, and I don't always finish tasks.

So why am I judging others when I walk imperfectly?

I have lot of reasons why, but really, none of them are acceptable. I just need to stop judging others. I think it is something that I am going to have to repent of/make amends for everyday.

And by judging others I mean one person in particular. I think I judge the ones I love and ones that are in my inner circle and the ones whose character flaws affect my life. Those are the people that I need to judge the least and just accept them for who they are.

1000 times

But I say unto you; Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

I have heard this advice/counsel, at minimum, at least 1,000 times. I usually just skim over the verse and think, well I don't have any enemies, so I'm ok. Don't need this one.


Lo and behold, I heard it last week. Not in scriptural reference but as advice from a friend of a friend. I decided to employ it in my life and it worked like a miracle. It made me think of this scripture and that's when I realized I'd heard it 1,000 times.

I have been dealing with a lot with rage and, anger and, hate. (I think I have mentioned this 1,000 times). I don't like rage, and anger, and hate. I don't like who I am when they take over. A friend of mine is going through similar experiences of rage, and anger, and hate. (it's funny how my friends and I live a beneficially symbiotic life). She had a friend tell her that she had to pray for the person who offended her and incited this rage. And she had to pray every day for two weeks. Two weeks? Really?

I thought, "I should do that!" so began my prayers for a person who has offended me. The first time I prayed I felt an outpuring of love for that person. It was like a miracle! The rage is not gone but it certainly lessened tremendously. When I feel the rage coming on, I immmediately start praying for that person. Sometimes the prayer is very direct and out loud. Sometimes it's when I am driving in the car. Sometimes it's in the hallway at school or church. I pray for me to be calm, cool, and collective but, I also pray for that person. My life has been so much calmer. I hope that person's life is beeter beause I have prayed for them.

It really works. You should try it.

And if you and I are in conversation, and I say, "I'm going to pray for you." You will know that you have offended me or made me angry or despitefully used me.

It's funny how I hear things 1,000 times but it doesn't really sink in until my heart is open and ready for change and I'm humble and ready to be taught.

Medical Update

I almost canceled my appointment with the rheumatologist today. I haven't had any pain since the last steroid pack. His office is all the way in Altamonte, I had to take a day off of work, I was afraid of what my co-payment would be because I haven't met my dedcutible this year, I hate getting established as a new patient and a myriad of other reasons.

I decided to go anyway. Since I had the day off I decided to go to the divorce lawyer too. That's a different blog, probably not one I'll share anyway.

My mom rode with me so the drive wasn't too bad. After lots of poking and prodding, which in retrospect, makes me laugh, he said that it was probably a reaction to a virus I had. The only way to know for sure is to wait and see if it returns. If the pain doesn't return, it was viral. If it does, then, well I guess it will be more poking and prodding.

He went ahead and took more blood and a urine sample. I don't know what else there is to test for, but I guess that's why I'm not a doctor. I go back in a month to find out the results of those tests.

I should have crossed my fingers because I have been having pain in my right thigh and my left wrist the past few days. I didn't tell him that. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I am crazy already and he will just diagnose me with more crazy. It seems like no one believes me anyway. When I try to explain it, it sounds non-sensical and the other person usually has a puzzled look on their face. Maybe the pain is just old age.

My own professional diagnosis is that I was abducted by aliens, a chip inserted and then my body rejected it.

All I know for sure is that I don't want the pain that I had before to come back. It was a nightmare.

Behold I Stand at the Door and Knock

A very dear and intuitive friend gave me this print today, matted and framed. I'm speechless. I have been wanting a print of the Savior and well...this one is so appropriate. It's a lesson I have been struggling with for a long time. I'm a visual learner so now maybe I will "get it".

Weak Things Become Strong

While I am traveling this rebuilding journey called my life, I've had to rediscover who I am, what I believe and who I want to become. Although I love to blame others and make excuses for my behaviors, the truth of the matter is I have to take responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day, it's me.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in men, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

In 12-step programs they call it a searching and fearless moral inventory.

Actually, I was doing neither. I wasn't searching and I wasn't going to Heavenly Father in humility. But...my weakness was shown to me in a glaring light. Whether I liked it or not. And I didn't like it! Not one little bit. I was served a big ol' piece of humble pie. I finally admitted my weakness to myself. I got honest with myself and the others involved. I immediately made ammends. I just hope they believe me and trust me to make changes.

I am thankful for grace. I need a bucketful to wash down my weaknesses.

second most embarrassing moment

I'm pretty sure that today I lived my second most embarrassaing moment. Nothing tops the skirt hiked up in Sacrament meeting. I was running late to first period. I grabbed two boxes of files to work on because my first period students have the attention span of a gnat. After a short lesson I usually let them just chill. I had to get this work done. I walked outside my planning office headed to my classroom. I turned too soon and tumbled off the sidewalk. One of the Assistant Principals, who happens to be a rather handsome man, saw me bite the dust. Why couldn't it be one of the women? I was mortified. Then two students showed up to help with the boxes. That means their whole class saw me tumble! Their teacher sent them out to help. Ugh! I almost broke down in a crying delirium but I figured they would haul me off to Lifestream. I held it together the rest of the day.

That's what I get for multi-tasking, walking and carrying boxes.

I blamed the head custodian for moving the sidewalk when I was trying to walk. He said my blonde was showing. Ugh! Ya gotta laugh right?

Hoodwinked

I love words and everything about them. I'm always trying to learn new ones. A friend and I were having a discussion the other day. I said, "jilted". He said, "deceived." I said, "How about hoodwinked?" He said, "Ooo that's a good one." I heard the word hoodwinked on a TV show later in the week so I decided to look it up and find others. I found a ton! Some were inappropriate or naughty but here are some of my favorites.

scam, con, hustle, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, bamboozle, hoax, travesty, deception, trickery, lampoon, bluff, mockery, befuddle, circumvent, hornswoggle, puzzle, stump, bilk, fleece, rook, gyp, caboodle, finagle, sandbag, do a number on, dupe, delude, gouge, victimize, cajole, falsify, take for a ride, take to the cleaners, embezzle, dust, spoof, snow, sting

After hoodwinked, my favorites are bamboozled, flimflam and hornswoggled. I'm going to try and use them in a sentence this week.

Heart Attack!

Wednesday night when I got off of work I had a heart attack. That's right! As soon as I hit the front door it stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't think I was going to have a Valentine this year, but I have lots! I really felt the love. I love the Young Women in my ward. I am honored to still get to serve them and teach them in Sunday school. I don't know why I get along so well with that age group. I suspect it's because my development was arrested at that age, so we are on the same maturity level. It 's gonna be weird when they pass me.

P.S. I know who the mastermind is (Robin Evans)!

Pain, Pain Go Away

Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday night, I closed when I worked at Domino's. I started feeling yucky. I thought, "Oh, great. I'm getting sick." My right knee had hurt all night. I thought, "Well maybe it's from slugging around this industrial size broom and mop." When you have to sweep and mop a restaurant when you haven't done it in a few years, you discover you have muscles you forgot you had. I had been closing one night a week at Domino's for a couple of months so it seems I should have been used to it. I had a few Celebrex arthritis pills left from when I had a flare up with bursitis after my last surgery. I took one of those and the pain in my hip went away.

On Thursday the pain seemed to have migrated to my right shoulder. I thought maybe it was just the way I had slept. I'm taking Ambien for sleeping and if I sleep hard I might stay in one awkward position all night and wake up with a kink. Those kinks usually subside and work themselves out. Not this one. The pain was so intense that I cried myself to sleep that night.

Over the next few days, the pain migrated around my body. Left elbow, left knee, right knee, right foot, left wrist and so on and so on. By the time Sunday rolled around I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I went to urgent care. The doctor there was perplexed. The pain had come on practically over night and it was migratory. He suggested I get blood work done. For relief, he prescribed a steroid pack. That seemed to ease the pain.

Before I went to urgent care I had started texting my psyche to see if the anti-depressants that I'm on could have anything to do with this. He said, "very rarely". The anti-depressants I was on had been elevating my blood pressure. That was confirmed when I had my blood pressure taken at urgent care. My blood pressure has always been low. I stopped taking my anti-depressants to rule those out as a possible catalyst to the pain. I didn't want to take yet another pill (blood pressure) to combat the blood pressure caused by an anti-depressant.
I made an appointment with my regular doctor. I made it for a week later for when I was finished with the steroid pack.

The steroids made me so sick that by Wednesday, I stayed home because my stomach was upset. I slept all day until time to go to Domino's and close again. I stopped taking the steroids.

Thursday I went to the doctor and he drew what seemed like a gallon of blood. I asked him to go ahead and test my hormones because I had read that extra progesterone could create symptoms like mine. It would be the following Thursday before the results were in.

Thursday night the bishop stopped by and gave me a blessing. I have to be honest and say that when I get blessings my mind tends to wander. I don't always hear what is being said. When it's over I have to rely on what I remember. In this blessing, it seemed like he mentioned the Word of Wisdom more than one time. I knew I kept the Word of Wisdom in general but maybe it was time to tweak it.

I went to my mom's house. She usually has some left over goodies from her plethora of surgery's. She gave me some muscle relaxers to get through the night. It helped.

Friday, I was in so much pain in my left knee that I could hardly walk. I shuffled around campus with tears in my eyes. There are a pair of crutches in my classroom and I thought about using those but I could also feel the pain starting in my left shoulder. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself up. Midway through the day the pain was so unbearable I started full out crying. I called Madison to bring me a pain pill. She did. I only took half because I didn't want to pass out snoring at school. It took the edge off a little. I could still barely move my leg. I had to literally pick it up and move it to get in and out of the car. I had to work at Domino's. A few minutes after my shift started I took the other half of the pill. I knew it was dangerous but I had to do something. Sweet relief. I made it the rest of my shift. I had a few friends that offered to drive me around to deliver pizzas. LOL I also decided to try to finish the steroid pack. It had seemed to take the edge off before. This time it offered no relief.

I researched anti-inflammation online. I knew, from common sense that I needed to change my diet so I researched foods that would combat inflammation. I needed to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. (I don't eat any, in case you couldn't tell). I needed to eliminate sugar and white flour. Add fish oil and Omega-3 fatty acids, ginger, tumeric. Eliminate High Fructose Corn Syrup and trans fats. I knew my mom drank ginger tea so, I got some of that from her. Yuck! But it seemed to help.

Saturday when I woke up me left leg was fine. The inflammation and pain had moved to both hands. They were swollen. I could barely lift anything. I was able to make it to the grocery store to purchase food to eliminate the inflammation. The new foods seemed to work. By Sunday, I was feeling much better. I had relief for two days.

Monday I was fine. My co-worker and I even started walking around the track during our planning time. I went home and took a nap. Holy Moly! By the time I woke up the pain was back with a vengeance. I barely made it through the night. Only with the help of more meds from my mom.

Tuesday, I called my doctor and begged him to let me come in two days early. I didn't care if the blood tests were in. I needed relief. As I was sitting in his room, some of my blood tests were faxed over. The two that he was most concerned about were still pending, Lyme's disease or Schroeder's Syndrome. Both sound ridiculous to me. But whatever. He gave me a high does steroid shot in the buttocks and then gave me some Lortab (hydrocortisone) and a higher dose prednisone pack.

The pain subsided rather quickly. Now I just feel as high as a kite. The steroids make me hyper and the Lortab is a relaxant. My body doesn't know what to do. I feel like my short term memory is gone. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My temper is short, my nerves are shot, I'm exhausted. Even as I try to recall the events of the last two weeks for this post, the thoughts are jumbled.

But I'm not in pain...

Emotional Vampires

I know I am experiencing emotional turmoil. Talking about my feelings and myself is new for me. Before, I would never share anything. I was always the listener. Now I am trying to open up and share and trust people. I am always worried that I will be seen as a downer, Debbie Downer.

The other day, one of the headlines on AOL was, "Emotional Vampires: The 5 Most Common Types -- And How to Slay Them". I immediately thought. "Oh no! I hope that is not me" I had to read the article and take the test.

"Emotional vampires are people who can drain your energy and suck you dry. They are the people who make your mood take a nosedive, who you feel sick or tired around -- you may even want to binge on comfort foods. Basically, it's a person who changes your mood for the worse just by being around.
Of the five types -- Narcissistic, Victim, Controller, Constant talker, and Drama Queen -- I would say that the victim is the most common."

I had to ask myself, "Am I narcissistic?" I don't think so. Like I said, I'm a listener. I let the other person speak. "Am I controlling?" Maybe my husband and my kids, but I never try to control my friends. "Am I the constant talker?" No, like I said, this is a new skill for me. And I definitely am not the Drama Queen. I abhor drama and don't care to be around it.

The only thing left is the victim. Maybe I am a little of that. The article's definition is, "That's the friend you have who keeps you on the phone for two hours complaining about everything, but she never seems to do anything about how miserable she is." I definitely don't talk on the phone for two hours. I am not a phone person at all. Maybe I complain too much about my misery. But I am trying to do something about it. I am trying to make changes. I have tried to make my support network fairly wide. I try to spread out the love to several people that way I don't hold one person captive.

So if I have been an emotional vampire, I'm sorry. There really is a Good-time Debbie still alive and well and I can talk about other things. Don't worry I won't suck you dry with my sad story. I try to share the good with the bad. Sometimes I might get stuck and need a push out of the mud.

This blog might have become an emotional vampire but just think, with one click you will be set free.

Un-niversary Follow-up

I tried to take my psyche's advice. I got up, went to work. No problem. Didn't even think much about the un-niversary. When I got home, my kids and cleaned my house and made dinner. I love my kids so much. I decided to take a nap because the weather had turned blustery and cold. When I woke up, I went on with my day but then grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I was in trouble and I knew I needed to reach out to my support system (a new skill). I called my friend Elaine Watkins and met me at Sonic and we talked for hours. At the end of the day, I'm ok. I love my friends.

Decorate Your Soul

When you experience trauma you learn that you have friends that you didn't know you had. One such friend sent this to me when she found out I was getting divorced. Wow! I'm speechless as to how much this hits home.

Thank you Cathie

After a While You Learn
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand

and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all of your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine

burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Un-niversary

Today was supposed to be my 25th wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go on a cruise. We were supposed to get an ugly piece of china with a big silver "25" in the middle from our kids. We were supposed to do a lot of things.

We won't. I doubt we will even trade pleasantries. We're on a talking hiatus, per my request. We haven't "talked" since December 1st.

What I will do instead:

My idea is to stay in bed all day and mourn and have a pity party.

My therapist's idea is to take the day off and pamper myself.

My psyche's idea is to not acknowledge the day at all. Just do my regular routine and not define the day in any way. He said it is not a day of remembrance anymore and I will be making new dates to celebrate.

I think I like my psyche's suggestion the best. I will try it, or maybe I will combine them all. I'll go to work, come home and take a nap, and then have a pity party tonight.

Anyone want to come to my party?

Pay it Forward

When I was 12 years old, I had a Sunday school teacher that spent two weeks teaching a lesson on how to gain a testimony. He must have thought it was important because he taught it for two weeks. I listened to the lesson and then followed the steps.

1.Desire 2.Pray 3.Study 4.Repent 5.Obedience 6.Testimony

These were my first steps in gaining my testimony. After I was done with all of the steps, I felt that I had a testimony, or at least the beginnings of one. Over the years, my testimony has seen it's ups and downs. It waxes and wanes, it zigs, it zags.

Flash forward 36 years. The bishop calls me into his office and wants me to teach the 12-13 year olds for Sunday school. At first I say yes, and then I think about it and tell him I don't want to do it. With what's going on in my personal life, Sundays are my worst days emotionally. I never know if I will have it together enough to teach or if I will just be a big bucket if heaving tears. I am sure that these kids will learn better from someone else. I just don't feel that I am a very good example. Of course, the bishop would not accept my rejection of the calling and said that I would do it anyway. Those weren't his exact words but that was the message I got.

Flash forward to this week. I have been physically sick with this phantom, migratory arthritis. I have literally been unable to move. I have driven around delivering pizza while hopped up on Percocets. I have to work tonight because of the Super Bowl. I thought it would be nice to sleep in and heal. I called Bro. Famularo and told him I would not be at church to teach Sunday school.

This morning, Jensen talked me into to going to church. Today the arthritis is in my right knee. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand. I called Bro. Famularo and told him I would teach.

Guess what lesson I taught?

The same lesson that was taught to me 34 years ago, the same lesson that motivated me to gain a testimony, the same lesson that changed my life forever, that is the lesson I taught today. Wow! As I sat and taught the kids in my class, I really felt the spirit. I hope and pray that the lesson I taught touches their lives the way the lesson taught to me by Max Wettstein, Jr. touched my life 34 years ago.

I also felt peace knowing that I am where I am supposed to be in my life and it's because of my obedience and faith.

There's No Crying in Baseball

I don't remember when I stopped crying. I just did. About once a year I couldn't take it anymore and I would break down and cry. Alone. Then I would pick myself up dust myself off and move on. Other than that I didn't cry. Not even at funerals.

My favorite quote about crying is from "A League of Their Own". Tom Hanks screams at one of the players, "There's no crying in baseball!" I guess that's how I felt. "There's no crying in life." And so I would hold it in.

My other favorite is, "Don't mistake crying for the spirit". I guess people think that if you don't cry then you haven't felt the spirit. I don't think that is true. I remember sitting in several meetings and everyone was boo-hooing and I'm like, "what?" I have even had people come up to me and say, "that didn't make you cry?" Me: um...no.

I wouldn't even cry in movies. Somtimes I would make it a challenge. "Ok, come on, make me cry. Let's see if you can do it." I didn't cry in Marley and Me or at the end of Toy Story 3.

It kind of made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I had a heart of stone, the Ice Queen.

I have been working on crying in therapy for a couple of years. Not crying "in therapy", but feeling my emotions and letting them pass freely through me and know that it's ok. Trying not to supress them and hold them inside.

Now I'm a free crier. Some people are free thinkers, I'm a free crier. If someone makes me happy, I cry. If someone makes me sad, I cry. If somone hurts my feelings, I cry. It still makes me uncomfortable but I'm working on it.

Lately it seems to be out of control. I can't turn off the faucet. I cry so hard my shoulders shake, my eyes get red, and my speech is blubbery (if I can even speak). I just felt like I needed to explain myself. I'm ok or I'll be ok. I'm just practicing. Feeling my emotions. Don't try to stop me just pass me a tissue and give me a hug.

Hopefully now I won't, "catch a cold from the ice inside my soul". I just hope I can find a balance and not be a blubbering idiot.

retirement

Approximately 17 years ago we got our first computer. Our friend Kim Spears came over and got us set up. We brainstormed what our online identity would be. It needed to represent Lew and I and it needed to be somewhat professional because I was going to be doing a graphic design business. We came up with debilew5. My name, Lew's name and there were 5 people in our family. (Now that I think about it, debilew was our original identity. The 5 was added sometime after Jensen was born) I'm pretty sure Kim came up with it. She said it was like Desilu at the end of "I Love Lucy", a combination of Desi Arnaz, Jr. and Lucille Ball. She said those two were almost as funny as Lew and I.

Debilew5 became our identity for EVERYTHING! Bank accounts, emails, utilities, church roster, the list is endless it seems. As I approach this new phase of my life I realize that I need to change my online identity. After much thought and consideration I came up with debiphoenix352. It's still me and the other half is my personal identity at this time in my life. (See name change post) The 352 is my area code. I know, lame but still kinda gangsta. When I was trying names the computer kept coming back with "This logon is taken, taken, taken" or "not strong enough" so I had to add numbers and my area code was what came into my mind.

I am spending my time retiring the Debilew5. It served it's purpose and now it's time to move on. This task is going to take a while. My therapist said that she has been divorced 5 years and she just had to contact her ex because his name was still on the Sun Pass account. We don't realize the how enmeshed we are in someones life until we have to unenmesh. (Is that a word? it is today)

Addendum to Death vs. Divorce

People DO bring you brownies/brownie cake when you get divorced. Thank you Kristen Higley it really lifted my spirits. Delish!

And I got a super sweet note from Robin Evans. I have the BEST friends.

Are you really there?

Do you know what else is weird? The Primary song, "A Child's Prayer". Not the song but the fact that I only know the first sentence. "Heavenly Father, are you really there?" That's all I remember. I never did learn the whole song. It seems that is how my prayers start out every night. I sing that part of the song. Sometimes I don't know what I believe. And then I remember. Yeah, He's there.
(Don't judge me because that's the only part of the song I know)

Maiden Name

I talked to my friend who just went through a divorce. She said it costs $400 to do a name change and then the judge could still deny your request. The only name you can go back to without a lot of hassle is your maiden name, thanks to the Patriot Act. I guess Stanford causes less pain right now, so Stanford it is. Back to Deborah Carey Stanford.

New Last Name

During my divorce procedures I will have the chance to change my last name. If my children were still little, I would just keep Clayton for ease in filling out school papers. Since they are grown and have their own identity, I will take on my new identity.

A lot of women use their maiden name but since I only feel pain when I think of my biological father I do not want to honor him by using his name. Although it is a cool name, Stanford.

My therapist suggested I could use my middle name as a surname. Deborah Carey. It works because it is spelled like a surname but I don't like the sound of it when I use it with my nickname, Debbie Carey. It sounds like Debbie Harry, which would remind me of the 80s rock band Blondie lead singer Debbie Harry. I don't have a "Heart of Glass", I have a "Heart of Stone".

My therapist also had a client that took on a family name from her genealogy. There are some cool names in my history like Kuper or Westmark. The only problem is I am afraid these men are also schmucks. I know for sure Kuper is. He was my mom's father who walked out on her when she was a wee little girl. Do you see a pattern here? I'm not sure there are any honorable men in our family.

I have thought about a new last name for a couple of years because I knew that divorce was inevitable. I have always been attracted to the last name Phoenix. Right now it defines what I am going through. I am just wondering that once I am through this stage of my life if I will still be attracted to it. If some cosmic shenanigans were to occur (because that is what it would take) and I were to re-marry I still don't think I will ever change my last name again. I am too old and too liberated and will be too independent.

Dictionary.com defines the phoenix as "a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope"
Another definition is "a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation."

My friend, Danette and I were texting the other night trying to think of a new name for me. Here are some that made the list: (Tell me what you think)

Darling
Black or Cullen (suggested by Melena)
Stamos (yummy)
Obama
Oreo
Bieber
Buble
Jensen, Parker or Madsion or Madparjen so no one gets jealous
Carter or Schaffer (hehe, creepy)
Cougar (since that will define my dating life)
Estrada, Venderbilt, Kennedy, Hitler, Van Dam
O'Shaunessy
Dallas
Focker
Mellencamp
Fatone
Squarepants or Squidward
Snack Cakes
Knows Her Gun, Spotted Elk, Little Mouse, Three Branches, One Bear (all of these from days in Montana)
Monson, Hinkley, Kimball, Rasband
Teets, Wise, Kirkland (to make others feel uncomfortable)
Bin Laden, Andretti, Mussolini, Michelangelo, Davinci, Mao, Lenin, Kim Confucius, Ho Chi Min (which I could shorten to Ho)
Aerosmith, Poison, Nirvana, GunsNRoses, Zeppelin, McCartney, Lennon, Ono
Versace, (it was at this point that I decided I liked alliterations) Debbie Dolce
Danette said it needed to be sexier.
Debbie Delicious? (I could lick my top lip every time I said it. Is that sexy?)
Deuce (since it is the second part of my life)
Doppelganger
Debbie Double D (we decided that would require surgery)
Debbie Daisy Duke
Dufflebutt, Dumbledore, Dumas, Dangerous
I like the one from Danette "Debbie Dozital" pronounced "Does-It-All" (I hope she meant work and not sexy)

The list is endless. I think I like Phoenix, even though it is not an alliteration.

Deborah Carey Phoenix

What do you think?