Behold I Stand at the Door and Knock

A very dear and intuitive friend gave me this print today, matted and framed. I'm speechless. I have been wanting a print of the Savior and well...this one is so appropriate. It's a lesson I have been struggling with for a long time. I'm a visual learner so now maybe I will "get it".

Weak Things Become Strong

While I am traveling this rebuilding journey called my life, I've had to rediscover who I am, what I believe and who I want to become. Although I love to blame others and make excuses for my behaviors, the truth of the matter is I have to take responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day, it's me.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in men, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

In 12-step programs they call it a searching and fearless moral inventory.

Actually, I was doing neither. I wasn't searching and I wasn't going to Heavenly Father in humility. But...my weakness was shown to me in a glaring light. Whether I liked it or not. And I didn't like it! Not one little bit. I was served a big ol' piece of humble pie. I finally admitted my weakness to myself. I got honest with myself and the others involved. I immediately made ammends. I just hope they believe me and trust me to make changes.

I am thankful for grace. I need a bucketful to wash down my weaknesses.

second most embarrassing moment

I'm pretty sure that today I lived my second most embarrassaing moment. Nothing tops the skirt hiked up in Sacrament meeting. I was running late to first period. I grabbed two boxes of files to work on because my first period students have the attention span of a gnat. After a short lesson I usually let them just chill. I had to get this work done. I walked outside my planning office headed to my classroom. I turned too soon and tumbled off the sidewalk. One of the Assistant Principals, who happens to be a rather handsome man, saw me bite the dust. Why couldn't it be one of the women? I was mortified. Then two students showed up to help with the boxes. That means their whole class saw me tumble! Their teacher sent them out to help. Ugh! I almost broke down in a crying delirium but I figured they would haul me off to Lifestream. I held it together the rest of the day.

That's what I get for multi-tasking, walking and carrying boxes.

I blamed the head custodian for moving the sidewalk when I was trying to walk. He said my blonde was showing. Ugh! Ya gotta laugh right?

Hoodwinked

I love words and everything about them. I'm always trying to learn new ones. A friend and I were having a discussion the other day. I said, "jilted". He said, "deceived." I said, "How about hoodwinked?" He said, "Ooo that's a good one." I heard the word hoodwinked on a TV show later in the week so I decided to look it up and find others. I found a ton! Some were inappropriate or naughty but here are some of my favorites.

scam, con, hustle, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, bamboozle, hoax, travesty, deception, trickery, lampoon, bluff, mockery, befuddle, circumvent, hornswoggle, puzzle, stump, bilk, fleece, rook, gyp, caboodle, finagle, sandbag, do a number on, dupe, delude, gouge, victimize, cajole, falsify, take for a ride, take to the cleaners, embezzle, dust, spoof, snow, sting

After hoodwinked, my favorites are bamboozled, flimflam and hornswoggled. I'm going to try and use them in a sentence this week.

Heart Attack!

Wednesday night when I got off of work I had a heart attack. That's right! As soon as I hit the front door it stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't think I was going to have a Valentine this year, but I have lots! I really felt the love. I love the Young Women in my ward. I am honored to still get to serve them and teach them in Sunday school. I don't know why I get along so well with that age group. I suspect it's because my development was arrested at that age, so we are on the same maturity level. It 's gonna be weird when they pass me.

P.S. I know who the mastermind is (Robin Evans)!

Pain, Pain Go Away

Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday night, I closed when I worked at Domino's. I started feeling yucky. I thought, "Oh, great. I'm getting sick." My right knee had hurt all night. I thought, "Well maybe it's from slugging around this industrial size broom and mop." When you have to sweep and mop a restaurant when you haven't done it in a few years, you discover you have muscles you forgot you had. I had been closing one night a week at Domino's for a couple of months so it seems I should have been used to it. I had a few Celebrex arthritis pills left from when I had a flare up with bursitis after my last surgery. I took one of those and the pain in my hip went away.

On Thursday the pain seemed to have migrated to my right shoulder. I thought maybe it was just the way I had slept. I'm taking Ambien for sleeping and if I sleep hard I might stay in one awkward position all night and wake up with a kink. Those kinks usually subside and work themselves out. Not this one. The pain was so intense that I cried myself to sleep that night.

Over the next few days, the pain migrated around my body. Left elbow, left knee, right knee, right foot, left wrist and so on and so on. By the time Sunday rolled around I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I went to urgent care. The doctor there was perplexed. The pain had come on practically over night and it was migratory. He suggested I get blood work done. For relief, he prescribed a steroid pack. That seemed to ease the pain.

Before I went to urgent care I had started texting my psyche to see if the anti-depressants that I'm on could have anything to do with this. He said, "very rarely". The anti-depressants I was on had been elevating my blood pressure. That was confirmed when I had my blood pressure taken at urgent care. My blood pressure has always been low. I stopped taking my anti-depressants to rule those out as a possible catalyst to the pain. I didn't want to take yet another pill (blood pressure) to combat the blood pressure caused by an anti-depressant.
I made an appointment with my regular doctor. I made it for a week later for when I was finished with the steroid pack.

The steroids made me so sick that by Wednesday, I stayed home because my stomach was upset. I slept all day until time to go to Domino's and close again. I stopped taking the steroids.

Thursday I went to the doctor and he drew what seemed like a gallon of blood. I asked him to go ahead and test my hormones because I had read that extra progesterone could create symptoms like mine. It would be the following Thursday before the results were in.

Thursday night the bishop stopped by and gave me a blessing. I have to be honest and say that when I get blessings my mind tends to wander. I don't always hear what is being said. When it's over I have to rely on what I remember. In this blessing, it seemed like he mentioned the Word of Wisdom more than one time. I knew I kept the Word of Wisdom in general but maybe it was time to tweak it.

I went to my mom's house. She usually has some left over goodies from her plethora of surgery's. She gave me some muscle relaxers to get through the night. It helped.

Friday, I was in so much pain in my left knee that I could hardly walk. I shuffled around campus with tears in my eyes. There are a pair of crutches in my classroom and I thought about using those but I could also feel the pain starting in my left shoulder. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself up. Midway through the day the pain was so unbearable I started full out crying. I called Madison to bring me a pain pill. She did. I only took half because I didn't want to pass out snoring at school. It took the edge off a little. I could still barely move my leg. I had to literally pick it up and move it to get in and out of the car. I had to work at Domino's. A few minutes after my shift started I took the other half of the pill. I knew it was dangerous but I had to do something. Sweet relief. I made it the rest of my shift. I had a few friends that offered to drive me around to deliver pizzas. LOL I also decided to try to finish the steroid pack. It had seemed to take the edge off before. This time it offered no relief.

I researched anti-inflammation online. I knew, from common sense that I needed to change my diet so I researched foods that would combat inflammation. I needed to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. (I don't eat any, in case you couldn't tell). I needed to eliminate sugar and white flour. Add fish oil and Omega-3 fatty acids, ginger, tumeric. Eliminate High Fructose Corn Syrup and trans fats. I knew my mom drank ginger tea so, I got some of that from her. Yuck! But it seemed to help.

Saturday when I woke up me left leg was fine. The inflammation and pain had moved to both hands. They were swollen. I could barely lift anything. I was able to make it to the grocery store to purchase food to eliminate the inflammation. The new foods seemed to work. By Sunday, I was feeling much better. I had relief for two days.

Monday I was fine. My co-worker and I even started walking around the track during our planning time. I went home and took a nap. Holy Moly! By the time I woke up the pain was back with a vengeance. I barely made it through the night. Only with the help of more meds from my mom.

Tuesday, I called my doctor and begged him to let me come in two days early. I didn't care if the blood tests were in. I needed relief. As I was sitting in his room, some of my blood tests were faxed over. The two that he was most concerned about were still pending, Lyme's disease or Schroeder's Syndrome. Both sound ridiculous to me. But whatever. He gave me a high does steroid shot in the buttocks and then gave me some Lortab (hydrocortisone) and a higher dose prednisone pack.

The pain subsided rather quickly. Now I just feel as high as a kite. The steroids make me hyper and the Lortab is a relaxant. My body doesn't know what to do. I feel like my short term memory is gone. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My temper is short, my nerves are shot, I'm exhausted. Even as I try to recall the events of the last two weeks for this post, the thoughts are jumbled.

But I'm not in pain...

Emotional Vampires

I know I am experiencing emotional turmoil. Talking about my feelings and myself is new for me. Before, I would never share anything. I was always the listener. Now I am trying to open up and share and trust people. I am always worried that I will be seen as a downer, Debbie Downer.

The other day, one of the headlines on AOL was, "Emotional Vampires: The 5 Most Common Types -- And How to Slay Them". I immediately thought. "Oh no! I hope that is not me" I had to read the article and take the test.

"Emotional vampires are people who can drain your energy and suck you dry. They are the people who make your mood take a nosedive, who you feel sick or tired around -- you may even want to binge on comfort foods. Basically, it's a person who changes your mood for the worse just by being around.
Of the five types -- Narcissistic, Victim, Controller, Constant talker, and Drama Queen -- I would say that the victim is the most common."

I had to ask myself, "Am I narcissistic?" I don't think so. Like I said, I'm a listener. I let the other person speak. "Am I controlling?" Maybe my husband and my kids, but I never try to control my friends. "Am I the constant talker?" No, like I said, this is a new skill for me. And I definitely am not the Drama Queen. I abhor drama and don't care to be around it.

The only thing left is the victim. Maybe I am a little of that. The article's definition is, "That's the friend you have who keeps you on the phone for two hours complaining about everything, but she never seems to do anything about how miserable she is." I definitely don't talk on the phone for two hours. I am not a phone person at all. Maybe I complain too much about my misery. But I am trying to do something about it. I am trying to make changes. I have tried to make my support network fairly wide. I try to spread out the love to several people that way I don't hold one person captive.

So if I have been an emotional vampire, I'm sorry. There really is a Good-time Debbie still alive and well and I can talk about other things. Don't worry I won't suck you dry with my sad story. I try to share the good with the bad. Sometimes I might get stuck and need a push out of the mud.

This blog might have become an emotional vampire but just think, with one click you will be set free.

Un-niversary Follow-up

I tried to take my psyche's advice. I got up, went to work. No problem. Didn't even think much about the un-niversary. When I got home, my kids and cleaned my house and made dinner. I love my kids so much. I decided to take a nap because the weather had turned blustery and cold. When I woke up, I went on with my day but then grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I was in trouble and I knew I needed to reach out to my support system (a new skill). I called my friend Elaine Watkins and met me at Sonic and we talked for hours. At the end of the day, I'm ok. I love my friends.

Decorate Your Soul

When you experience trauma you learn that you have friends that you didn't know you had. One such friend sent this to me when she found out I was getting divorced. Wow! I'm speechless as to how much this hits home.

Thank you Cathie

After a While You Learn
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand

and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all of your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine

burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Un-niversary

Today was supposed to be my 25th wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go on a cruise. We were supposed to get an ugly piece of china with a big silver "25" in the middle from our kids. We were supposed to do a lot of things.

We won't. I doubt we will even trade pleasantries. We're on a talking hiatus, per my request. We haven't "talked" since December 1st.

What I will do instead:

My idea is to stay in bed all day and mourn and have a pity party.

My therapist's idea is to take the day off and pamper myself.

My psyche's idea is to not acknowledge the day at all. Just do my regular routine and not define the day in any way. He said it is not a day of remembrance anymore and I will be making new dates to celebrate.

I think I like my psyche's suggestion the best. I will try it, or maybe I will combine them all. I'll go to work, come home and take a nap, and then have a pity party tonight.

Anyone want to come to my party?

Pay it Forward

When I was 12 years old, I had a Sunday school teacher that spent two weeks teaching a lesson on how to gain a testimony. He must have thought it was important because he taught it for two weeks. I listened to the lesson and then followed the steps.

1.Desire 2.Pray 3.Study 4.Repent 5.Obedience 6.Testimony

These were my first steps in gaining my testimony. After I was done with all of the steps, I felt that I had a testimony, or at least the beginnings of one. Over the years, my testimony has seen it's ups and downs. It waxes and wanes, it zigs, it zags.

Flash forward 36 years. The bishop calls me into his office and wants me to teach the 12-13 year olds for Sunday school. At first I say yes, and then I think about it and tell him I don't want to do it. With what's going on in my personal life, Sundays are my worst days emotionally. I never know if I will have it together enough to teach or if I will just be a big bucket if heaving tears. I am sure that these kids will learn better from someone else. I just don't feel that I am a very good example. Of course, the bishop would not accept my rejection of the calling and said that I would do it anyway. Those weren't his exact words but that was the message I got.

Flash forward to this week. I have been physically sick with this phantom, migratory arthritis. I have literally been unable to move. I have driven around delivering pizza while hopped up on Percocets. I have to work tonight because of the Super Bowl. I thought it would be nice to sleep in and heal. I called Bro. Famularo and told him I would not be at church to teach Sunday school.

This morning, Jensen talked me into to going to church. Today the arthritis is in my right knee. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand. I called Bro. Famularo and told him I would teach.

Guess what lesson I taught?

The same lesson that was taught to me 34 years ago, the same lesson that motivated me to gain a testimony, the same lesson that changed my life forever, that is the lesson I taught today. Wow! As I sat and taught the kids in my class, I really felt the spirit. I hope and pray that the lesson I taught touches their lives the way the lesson taught to me by Max Wettstein, Jr. touched my life 34 years ago.

I also felt peace knowing that I am where I am supposed to be in my life and it's because of my obedience and faith.

There's No Crying in Baseball

I don't remember when I stopped crying. I just did. About once a year I couldn't take it anymore and I would break down and cry. Alone. Then I would pick myself up dust myself off and move on. Other than that I didn't cry. Not even at funerals.

My favorite quote about crying is from "A League of Their Own". Tom Hanks screams at one of the players, "There's no crying in baseball!" I guess that's how I felt. "There's no crying in life." And so I would hold it in.

My other favorite is, "Don't mistake crying for the spirit". I guess people think that if you don't cry then you haven't felt the spirit. I don't think that is true. I remember sitting in several meetings and everyone was boo-hooing and I'm like, "what?" I have even had people come up to me and say, "that didn't make you cry?" Me: um...no.

I wouldn't even cry in movies. Somtimes I would make it a challenge. "Ok, come on, make me cry. Let's see if you can do it." I didn't cry in Marley and Me or at the end of Toy Story 3.

It kind of made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I had a heart of stone, the Ice Queen.

I have been working on crying in therapy for a couple of years. Not crying "in therapy", but feeling my emotions and letting them pass freely through me and know that it's ok. Trying not to supress them and hold them inside.

Now I'm a free crier. Some people are free thinkers, I'm a free crier. If someone makes me happy, I cry. If someone makes me sad, I cry. If somone hurts my feelings, I cry. It still makes me uncomfortable but I'm working on it.

Lately it seems to be out of control. I can't turn off the faucet. I cry so hard my shoulders shake, my eyes get red, and my speech is blubbery (if I can even speak). I just felt like I needed to explain myself. I'm ok or I'll be ok. I'm just practicing. Feeling my emotions. Don't try to stop me just pass me a tissue and give me a hug.

Hopefully now I won't, "catch a cold from the ice inside my soul". I just hope I can find a balance and not be a blubbering idiot.