Mending My Net

This week's feelings are brought to you by, "I am ugly". This has not been a good week. I have been feeling ugly. No I'm not fishing for compliments. It is what it is.

I thought I was almost finished with therapy. I even had my therapist convinced...almost. She let me cancel one appointment but she said she wanted to keep the other ones scheduled, just in case. She's very wise. She busted me. Well really it might have something to do with that I couldn't stop crying at my last appointment. She had said before that every once in a while I would still have emotions come to the surface. I didn't believe her. Now I do.

I told her I had been feeling really ugly. I feel used, dried up, old, ugly, unlovable, unattractive, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I have nothing to give. She said, "When fishermen can't fish, they mend their nets. Now is the time for you to mend your net." In other words, I have to work on my innards. My soul. My self-worth. My divine nature.

Then she said we are going to do some inner child work. My assignment this week is to get out a picture of myself when I was five and write a letter to that little girl. Great! If you see me crying just move along.

And then she upped my appointments to once a week.

My Dwindling Village

Today I took two of my best friends to the airport. Danette and Melena, and of course Camryn, but she is Jensen's best friend.

Danette is leaving me again! I can't help but think in the back of my mind that it will only for be for 7 months again, but I really don't think so.

We became even closer friends when they moved back from Montana. Since she found out she was moving to Wyoming, it seems we experienced a lot of the same emotions as we went simultaneously through major life changes.

She was my sounding board. I would call her up and vent and rant and rave and she would listen. She was part of my village, my circle of trust. I'm really going to miss her. I know that with today's technology we can still keep in touch, but I can't walk to her house when I am angry or lonely or bored. Well I could but by the time I got there I will forget what I went for. Because according to Melena, "It would take you 28 days and 13 hours of non-stop walking to get from Florida to Wyoming. with a total of 2,093 miles".

I really think their leaving was the source of my crying jig that lasted for several days. Their friendship has been invaluable to me. They have been really supportive emotionally and physically. They are always helping me take care of Jensen, giving her rides places, giving me rides places. Letting Jensen practically live with them. Letting me practically live with them.

It's unwritten but if something happens to me, they get Jensen. We've always talked about it. They actually want partial custody of her now. They will probably get her for two weeks in the summer. I'm really gong to miss them.

You can read more about our friendship here or here

Rescuing Myself

On occasion, I get overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness, truthfully, on a lot of occasions. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with financial burdens, truthfully, a lot of times. When I get these feelings it makes me feel like I am a damsel in distress and I need a hero on a white horse to come into my life and rescue me. Then the daydream is over and reality slaps me across the face.

I don't like feeling like the damsel in distress. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable. It leads to bad decisions. I mentioned it to my therapist. She had the best piece of advice. She said, "You don't need anyone to rescue you, you have rescued yourself! You pay your bills, you have a good job, you have your education, you have made so much progress in every part of your life. You're doing this!" And then I had a moment of enlightenment. "Yeah! I'm doing this! I don't need anyone to rescue me!"

I still wouldn't mind that hero on the white horse. Or black horse. Or brown horse. Or he could even walk. No never mind. I'll take one with a nice car. He can take me to dinner, pay my bills, we could hang out. No rescuing needed. :)

Go ME!

During the last few years I have not been stepping on a scale much, as you can clearly see. I have been eating whatever I want. I figured that I needed comfort and the only way I was going to get that was with food. Apparently, I have thought that way for several years.

When things started going sour with my marriage, I started seeing a psychiatrist. He put me on anti-depressants. I'm sure these had something to do with SOME of the weight gain. I knew it was a side effect, but I didn't care. I knew I needed the anti-depressants at the time to help keep me alive. I tried several different anti-depressants; I think four to be exact. I quit each ones for various reasons from side effects to cost. The last on I was on made me have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure in my entire life. In the meantime, the psychiatrist also put me on a sleep medication. I noticed that with a good night's sleep that I wasn't as depressed, as frenetic, as anxious, or have as many racing thoughts. It was also the time that I had that debilitating virus. It was also the time when issues in my life were starting to resolve themselves. I thought it would be a good time to go off of the anti-depressants. It was.

During recent weeks, on occasion, I would step on the scale. I noticed that I had lost a pound or two here and there. I would think, "hmmm, it's a light day," or "hmmm...I'm sure I will gain it back." The scale kept going down and I wasn't even trying.

Sooo...I decided to try! This week I have been making myself aware of calorie intake. I have been exercising, even if it's in the Florida heat! I have been drinking lots of water. I only eat when I am hungry. If I have to eat my emotions I try to make it nutritionally dense calories. The scale continues to go down. This week I celebrated a 10 pound weight loss by buying (on clearance) a hot pink workout shirt for me and a matching one for Madison and Jensen! When I am finished I hope to look as hot as my friend Melody Shipley.

Kayak-yak-yaking

Jensen woke me up at 6:30 and we sported our new workout shirts and we went for a two mile walk. I have been reading about High Intensity Interval Training so we incorporated some of that.

Sister Mann wanted to have Melena over for one last breakfast before the Garretts move to Wyoming. Since Melena and Jensen are salt and pepper shakers, she invited Jensen too. Danette, Camryn and I were lucky enough to tag along. Sister Mann makes the "best" breakfasts, let me tell you. Pancakes, French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, and orange rolls for dessert. Yum!

As soon as Danette dropped me off at my house her mom, Dana came to pick me up. We were off to Anastasia State Park for a Single Adult activity. When we got there, we walked down to the beach to call everyone to lunch. I took a dip in the ocean and it was splendid. It was so hot outside but the water was nice and cool. We had a tasty lunch and then Dana and I were off to rent kayaks.

I had never been kayaking but it has been on my bucket list. Dana wasn't sure if she was gonna go. She didn't at first but once she saw how much fun I was gonna have she told me to wait up.

The water was absolutely beautiful. It was actually in an inlet so we didn't have to fight the waves or the sharks. They told us we could go around the bend to the light house. I paddled over and could see the lighthouse and got fairly close but saw no reason to go right up to it. Plus, being the frugal person that I am, I didn't want to rent the kayak for more than an hour. I just paddled around and sometimes I would sit and the let the water carry us. It was very calm and serene. The whole time I was kayaking saw flying fish come up out of the water. Sometimes they were right close. On the way back to shore I saw a school of about three or four dolphins. They were only about 50 feet away. It was amazing. I watched them for a while and it looked like they were really in school. They traveled several hundred feet and then one of them turned around like he/she was the teacher.

As soon as Dana dropped me off, I jumped in the shower and then a few minutes later Danette picked me up. Roxanne Ingalls had invited the girls over who had helped serve dinner at the High Council Chritstmas party. It was Nellie, Nashua, Jensen, Melena and Lauren. Luckily, the mothers were invited. We had yummy Navajo tacos and fruit crepes. After eating, we played a card game.

It was a long, eventful day. No weight loss but lots of yummy food, exercise and fun friends. Zip-lining is the next fun adventure for me and Dana. I can't wait!

Janine Porter

Today I went to the temple. I haven't been in several months, too many months. The underlying reasons being that I haven't felt very Christlike and then a series of unfortunate events that were poor choices on my part. (Don't judge me). I thought since so much time had passed and I had worked through lots of issues, that I would be ok. Not so much.

It was actually bittersweet. The bitter part being that I was flooded with emotions of grieving. The sweet part being that I ran into a friend that created a blast from the past.

When I was baptized at the age of 10, I had the most amazing Branch President, Evan D. Porter, Jr. and he had the most amazing wife, Janine. They had the most amazing marriage. I remember, as a youth, thinking that I wanted my marriage to be just like theirs. They were so in love and so committed to the gospel. In my mind, they were perfect. President Porter was an amazing leader. When he spoke to me I felt like he was talking to my soul. He could see inside. I wanted to do what was right so as not to disappoint him. The counsel that he gave to me in my youth was a major reason that I made the correct choices that I did.

President Porter was there when the Branch became a Ward. Then they moved to Kissimmee. He became the Stake President. He had a lot to do with the planning of the Orlando Temple. He helped to find the property and met with planning and zoning commissioners. I'm not sure if he got to enjoy the temple when he was on this earth. He passed away from cancer 19 years ago this week. President Porter was the type of person that I know Heavenly Father wants working close to him so I am sure that is why he died at such a young age. He had much work to do.

It seems like every time I go to the temple, I think of the Porters. Yesterday was no exception. I sat down in the chapel and saw a lady that looked like Janine. I thought, "Nah, that can't be her. She lives in Arizona now." When we got to the next room, I could see her face and knew it was her. I sat beside her and cried the whole time. After the session, we were able to chat and catch up. It was a wonderful visit. She told me about her kids that I use to babysit. It's hard to believe so much time has passed. She also told me that she just retired from being a middle school teacher.

Although I loved seeing her, it was a difficult reminder that I never achieved the type of marriage that she had. We still have a lot in common. We both lost our husbands, we both love our children, we both are middle school teachers, we are both daughters of God, we both went to the temple yesterday and most important I have to remind myself that I still have all of the same promised blessings.

Today was not a coincidence.

Guilty Parent Syndrome (GPS)

This is a textbook case of what I have diagnosed as Guilty Parent Syndrome. After the last year and with me having to work two jobs, I feel guilt.

It was time for a visit to my friend, Elaine (Ellie Mae Clampett). Since I had a workshop in Howey, I thought that is half-way so I will go visit her one of those days. I had her pick up Jensen in Howey and then I went over afterwards. Jensen spent the night and I went back Tuesday to pick her up. In the meantime, Jensen fell in love with Red. Elaine had rescued Red from a neighbor who was neglecting him. Jensen begged and begged for Red to come home with us. I tried to dissuade her. "What about Daisy? What about Otto? There will not be enough love to go around". "Who will take him for walks?" "Who will clean up after him?" She said, with big sad eyes, that she would do all of that. I'm thinking, while I roll my eyes "Yeah, right."

She said that she was responsible. I had to agree with her on that one. I often say that she is the most responsible person in this house, including me. All week long, she cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. She washed dishes, washed clothes, cleaned the front porch, cleaned the back porch, and cleaned the back yard. I should have held out for more chores being done, but on Friday night, Red came home with us. Crazy? I know. But who can say, "No?" to Jensen? I'm such a pushover. At least I don't feel guilt anymore.

Fear not

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. I don't know why, I just am. A few weeks ago I read an article on aol.com about a woman who was facing her fears. She had lost a job that she'd had for a long time. She felt like she was starting her life all over. For some reason, that resonated with me. She decided that she would face a fear each day and record it. Luckily, she is a writer and received a huge advance for a book. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to face my fears.

Over the last few years, I have had been forced to overcome my fears whether I liked it our not. Now, as I move forward, I have will face my fears on my own...hopefully. I will face them before they face me. The author of the article would face fears like skydiving, living in a foreign country, speaking up when she had an opinion. She was trying to find her voice and be heard. Again, like me.

While I had been thinking about fear my friend Debbie Carter gave a talk in church about fear. I loved the quote she used by Thomas S. Monson, "Fear is the enemy of growth and accomplishment."

"Yes," I thought, "That's it!"

I want to grow and accomplish much.

Sometimes I feel like I am fearless but the truth of the matter is, I have lots of fears. My bucket list is full of facing my fears like bungee jumping, going on the Tower of Terror, and swimming with sharks. (That one is not really on there but it sounded cool). It's not just about the adrenaline rush.

Some of the fears I am going to be facing head on and that I may or may not record (since I'm not getting money) are:

Change-Actually I kind of like change now. Bring it on.

Money- or lack thereof. But “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). I am trying to be prepared. This one takes a lot of faith, too. My house is in foreclosure, but I am preparing for the final day occupancy. I know that I will be taken care of and I won't be homeless. And even if I have to live in a van down by the river, that will be ok, too.

What others think- I know I am not supposed to care what others think but let's face it. We all do to some degree. I just don't want to disappoint my kids or friends or family. I value their opinion. I try not to let what others think be my guiding force and make decisions for myself.

Giving up control- this one takes faith also. I've had to really strengthen my faith and let God take control of my life.

Speaking up-It's really hard for me to express my beliefs if they differ from others. I'm getting better at it. It's also difficult for me to speak up and talk to new people. I know you're rolling your eyes and saying, "Seriously?" It's a true story.

I hope to grow much and accomplish much. Maybe one day I will get a book deal. Who knows? Myabe postmortem?