Uranus

I have two students in my office. One is a good reader so she is taking her test by herself (Student A). The other student is not a strong reader so I am helping him read (Student B). He reads a paragraph then I read a paragraph. The chapter topic is: Planets. It is my turn to read. I come across the word Uranus. I'm fairly certain that it is now correctly pronounced U-ruh-nus yet I still ask, "How does your teacher pronounce it? U-ruh-nus?"

Student A: "Yes, U-ruh-nus. Some kids say Ur-anus. They are so immature"

Me: "Yeah! So immature."

Meanwhile Student B is reading and say "Ur-anus".

Me: Giggling to myself.

Why is that always funny to me? It's my arrested development at the age of 12.

Summer of Rediscovery

The winter of my discontent has passed. How do I know you ask? Is it because the calendar reads "April"? Is it because like the silk worm I spun a chrysalis and am now emerging as a beautiful butterfly? No, the winter of my discontent is over because Adele can no longer make me cry! That's right, her songs no longer apply. I am on the mend.

I'm going to skip right over spring because I don't have a catchy phrase for it but this summer is going to be my Summer of Rediscovery! I stole this from an acquaintance, a guy from my support group. All of the divorce self-help tells one to spend time discovering who they are, do things you have never done, do things you used to do when you were single. So I signed up for a 471-mile bike ride across Iowa! I know, crazy right? What was I thinking? Peer pressure?

My friend, Jennifer Bacon, is from Iowa and has ridden in RAGBRAI (the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) for 10 years. I followed her on facebook the first year I met her when she was riding. I thought it sounded fun but impossible. I told her I wanted to go with her this year. I was kind of kidding, not really, but maybe. I thought, "I'll say I want to go but not follow through." But she wouldn't let me. She called me up when plane ticket prices started rising. She turned on the pressure. "We have to get them now, before the priced go up." I tried to whine and say I didn't have the money and what will Jensen do? And I will die...She wouldn't accept any of my lame-o excuses. Her counter was, "You need to do this for you! It is a stress reliever (really? 471 miles? on a bike?) And it is sooooo much fun. You will love my friends that I ride with and they will love you. And one of my friends is cute and he's your age. " Always, the perky cheerleader. So I caved.

I bought the plane ticket and thought, "I'll buy the ticket and I can always just go visit some new friends that I have made that are from Iowa." And I could check out the cute guy :)

And then deadline for RAGBRAI came around. I had to commit. More money...now I can't get out of this. So this summer...July 21-29, I will have my big fanny on a little bike riding across Iowa. (which is not flat, contrary to popular belief!) 7 days, 471 miles, sleeping in a tent at night.

That guy dang well better be cute! and rich!!!

Modern Hero

I didn't get a current picture when we had dinner in Orlando. *kicking self*



This is my friend Liz. I met Liz at BYU. (I’m gonna say BYU and not BYU-Provo because there was only one BYU). My roommate Jacque, also from Florida, came home one day and said, “There is an apartment full of girls from Florida!” I knew that I must meet them because, hey, people from Florida are awesome. There were indeed 3 girls from Apartment 4 that were from Florida, and one from Indiana. We became fast friends. One of the girls had attended FSU for her undergraduate degree. While there, she was in a sorority. They came up with the notion that BYU should have sororities. So without acknowledgment from the administration of BYU, Gamma Nu was formed. Jacque and I were the fourth and fifth charter members. And as with all sororities, we participated in Rush Week. I’m not sure everything that it involved. I’m sure I have blocked the events from my memory because they involved self-humiliation. I do remember doing push-ups in front of the Harold B. Lee Library.

Liz and I had many adventures together. I remember driving my VW bug to Salt Lake City because she and Sandy were buying motorcycles. They drove the motorcycles home. Liz later wrecked hers. I don’t remember a lot of details but I’m pretty sure that was the end of her need to ride a motorcycle. As you can see she survived.

Liz was a music composition major. I remember going down into the catacombs of the Harris Fine Arts Center and watching and listening as she composed music. I remember thinking, “How does she do that? How does she know what comes next?” I’m still in awe. She taught me that the hardest part of a song is the ending. If a song ends in a fade out then the person took the easy way out because he/she couldn’t think of an ending.

Liz graduated from BYU in a timely manner, unlike some of us. I remember her first job was directing a Catholic choir in California. Oh the irony! It made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or apartment, Jacque and I get a roommate that…um…(to be Christ-like) we didn’t care for. We must have voiced our disdain quite a bit. We did. I really liked her brother and sister, but not her. It might have been the way she looked down her nose at me. Not sure, but probably.

Meanwhile, back in California, Liz gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.

Meanwhile, back in Provo, the roommate that I don’t care for gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.
Fast forward to Liz and Monica become mission companions. Small world, right? Liz got to know Monica on a deeper, more spiritual level and to this day she swears she is a nice person. Ok, we’ll just leave it at that.

Liz and I lost contact until one day when Facebook was invented. Yes, this becomes one of those miraculous reunions brought about by Facebook. Although, I think Liz and I are eternal friends and would have found a way to reconnect through snail mail.

Actually, I saw Liz for the first time in years when she was featured in the Ensign. Yes, that’s right! I’m so proud to call her my friend. She is using her life to do what we all dreamed of doing when we were young and unjaded. When she prays for World Peace, she actually does something about it. She brings peace to the children left orphaned in war torn countries. She founded a nonprofit organization, The Shropshire Music Foundation. You can read her story here. Please feel inclined to make a donation. I can testify that Liz lives like a pauper and that all of the money goes to the effort. She recently formed a Board of Directors to oversee the details and they forced her to take a minimal salary. (very minimal, less than a fast food worker minimal).

So why this tribute to my friend? In February, Liz was in Florida for a few days and we were able to have dinner together. Liz is the type of friend that I feel like we picked up where we left off. We will always have fun. It was not near enough time to visit but I know there will be more. If we could spend more time together I’m sure that we could solve all of the problems of this world. We have very similar beliefs…besides church. I love you, Liz!

Turn on the Light!

I'm wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I feel like I am the star of a major motion picture, not the beautiful star that falls in love with the handsome leading man and they live happily ever after but, the dumb one that does dumb stuff. For example, the one that goes into a dark room and doesn't turn on the light. Or the one that keeps making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. The audience screams, "Ugh! Are you kidding me?", "Again?", "Don't do it dummy!" Some members of the audience get up and walk out because they can't believe what is happening. They shout, "If she does that again, I'm not watching anymore!" Some people continue to watch because it is like a train wreck. They just can't turn away. They feel better about their own lives. Sometimes I feel like part of the audience and I can hear myself screaming, "Don't do it!"

I thought by writing this blog that I could get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I'll see as the day progresses. It's a start, right?

Walk Away

Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.

I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here

In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing

I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return

WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King

I'm in Love!

Well, I've gone and done it. I'm in love! He's not tall, dark and handsome. He's not rich and famous. Actually, he's not even a he. It's me! I'm in love with me! Fooled you, huh?

My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?

She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.

She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.

I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:

1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check

I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)

47

I have to admit that I was not a very nice person on my birthday. It was a real struggle for me. Lots of emotions coming to the surface. I spent a lot of the day crying. I didn't want to, but I did. At the end of the day, love won. I have so many friends and family to be thankful for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I didn't return calls or texts or messages on facebook until the end of the day. I just really wanted to be alone and waller in my emotions. But my friends and family were persistant. I think I am rather transparent by now.

I started the day with a walk with my friend Sherie. I knew that I had to get a walk in because Jensen was at home making me a cake. Sherie and I walked two miles. I came home and walked another three.

Melody and Jean both called and sang Happy Birthday, at separate times. Melody invited me to breakfast but I wouldn't go.

Jensen made me a cake and she and Madison cleaned the house for me. They gave me my gifts, the movie "Rio" that Jensen and I had seen together at the theatres and a pair of my very own headphones that I can use with their Ipods when I go walking.

The three of us watched a marathon of Arrested Development, my favorite TV show. It always makes me laugh and laugh I did. Madison went to work, Jensen went to band camp and I ran errands and cried some more. Then went to work and cried some more when Melody showed up at Domino's with all five of her kids and sang Happy Birthday to me. I guess I should have answered her texts.

When I got home from work there was a sign on my door that said, "Happy Birthday Sister Stanford." It was signed by all of the students in my Sunday school class, even Ethan Garrett before he left. They have been planning this for quite some time, little sneaks. They gave me two pairs of funky reading glasses. I cried some more.

Robin Evans had made me some delicious cupcakes. I didn't return her messages either. She sent them home with Jensen from church. They were delicious! I cried again.

At church Jensen had made another gift for me. It is a cute little scrapbook. It incorporated all of the things that I like. I cried again.

I got 72 birthday wishes on Facebook. I got texts that wished me happy birthday. I didn't count those yet. Oh, and my drinking buddy Bob Shofkom called to wish me a Happy Birthday.

So, even though I was in a snit, my friends and family still love me unconditionally and I am forever grateful and I hope they don't give up on me.