Fear

I leave for RAGBRAI this Friday. I have a lot of fears that I will be facing. What are they, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

1) Fear of the heat- the ride support is in service from 6am-6pm. I'm going to try and get an early start each day but not sure if I will be able to wake up. I am taking a camel pack, a bottle of water on my bike and I have a basket for extra water. I have sunscreen and sunglasses. I'm from Florida, for Pete's sake. I think I know how to deal with heat.
2) Fear of no support- I went on a bike ride in Winter Garden in April and the support packed up and left before I finished. No bueno.
3) Fear of support-My goal is to not use the SAG Wagon. That's a pretty name, right? I am sagging. Please come pick me up.
4) Fear of leaving my kids-I have never been away this long without at least one of my kids. I know they are practically grown, but...
5) Fear of leaving my house-We have always gone on staycations. never away from home much. Did I pay all of the bills? Will my house burn down? Will a hurricane hit?
6) Fear that my body will shut down-I have been doing strength training 2-3 times a week since mid-may. I have been doing cycle classes about twice a week. I'm still not in the best of shape, but it's too late now.
7) Fear of not getting enough sleep-we are camping every night. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Thursday night I am staying with my friend Ray. yay! Hot shower and a bed. And he promised to make me French toast for breakfast.
8) Fear that Jennifer and I won't be friends when this is over- We did the Winter Garden bike ride together. I didn't really care for her style of encouragement. She would tell me to "try a little harder." What? Try a little harder? I'm busting my arse here. She is 11 years younger, naturally athletic, her thighs are 6 feet long, she has a nicer bike....I've lived a fairly sedentary life until now, my thighs are 2 inches long and I'm riding a borrowed mountain bike. YOU try a little harder to shhhh...I told her that maybe we should not ride together. She could go on a ahead and wait for me. We'll discuss this more when we get there.
9) Fear that my arse will fall off- Not that that would be a bad thing but I am really worried about said body part. I've got padded shorts and balms but still afraid.
10) Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of judgment-Good thing I have Jennifer with me since she has done this for more than 10 years. Everyone knows I am going on this ride, what if I fail. Will they say, " I knew you wouldn't make it"

Most of these fears are unfounded but they are still there. I am ready to face them. I got this.

DivorceCare and Greg

I am part of 2 divorce support groups. I joined the first one in a convoluted manner. I started chatting with a guy on Facebook. He was a friend of a friend but he made smart aleck remarks and I find that highly attractive. We bantered back and forth and then gave him my cell phone number and asked him if he wanted to be text buddies. We texted every day. We were in very similar situations as far as divorce goes. He lives in Missouri. One day he told me that he was going to go to a divorce support group and he told me I should look up the meetings and go. So I did. It is a national group called DivorceCare. They had a local meeting in Mt. Plymouth. I signed up but then when the day came I started talking myself out of going. Greg, my texting buddy, told me I better go...or else. I found the house. I drove past. There were no cars in the driveway. I went down the street. Turned around passed the house. Drove past. Texted Greg. Told him I wasn't going. He said, "You're going". So I did it. Got out of my car and went to the first meeting. There I found a roomful of people who were going through the exact same thing. There is a curriculum. We watched a video and then had a discussion. Some people shared their stories. I just sat and cried. I texted Greg and told him that I hated him because he made me go. He said, "You liked it and you're going back. You need to heal".

I finished the curriculum. I made it to as many nights as I could. The meetings were on Friday nights. The only nights I missed were when Jensen marched in the band at the football games. Greg would berate me for not going.

Btw, he went to two meetings and then quit. What a loser. He said he felt healthy after hearing the other women's story. And besides, he had a girlfriend already. We continued to text everyday. Giving each other advice. Me giving him more than he gave me because he is a numbskull. I told him that he needed to marry his girlfriend. He did in January of this year. They are living happily ever after. I don't text him as much as I used to. Maybe every other week. I still give him marriage and relationship advice. I don't think he likes it much because I'm usually on his wife's side. I hope to meet them in person when I go for my bike ride across Iowa.

Uranus

I have two students in my office. One is a good reader so she is taking her test by herself (Student A). The other student is not a strong reader so I am helping him read (Student B). He reads a paragraph then I read a paragraph. The chapter topic is: Planets. It is my turn to read. I come across the word Uranus. I'm fairly certain that it is now correctly pronounced U-ruh-nus yet I still ask, "How does your teacher pronounce it? U-ruh-nus?"

Student A: "Yes, U-ruh-nus. Some kids say Ur-anus. They are so immature"

Me: "Yeah! So immature."

Meanwhile Student B is reading and say "Ur-anus".

Me: Giggling to myself.

Why is that always funny to me? It's my arrested development at the age of 12.

Summer of Rediscovery

The winter of my discontent has passed. How do I know you ask? Is it because the calendar reads "April"? Is it because like the silk worm I spun a chrysalis and am now emerging as a beautiful butterfly? No, the winter of my discontent is over because Adele can no longer make me cry! That's right, her songs no longer apply. I am on the mend.

I'm going to skip right over spring because I don't have a catchy phrase for it but this summer is going to be my Summer of Rediscovery! I stole this from an acquaintance, a guy from my support group. All of the divorce self-help tells one to spend time discovering who they are, do things you have never done, do things you used to do when you were single. So I signed up for a 471-mile bike ride across Iowa! I know, crazy right? What was I thinking? Peer pressure?

My friend, Jennifer Bacon, is from Iowa and has ridden in RAGBRAI (the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) for 10 years. I followed her on facebook the first year I met her when she was riding. I thought it sounded fun but impossible. I told her I wanted to go with her this year. I was kind of kidding, not really, but maybe. I thought, "I'll say I want to go but not follow through." But she wouldn't let me. She called me up when plane ticket prices started rising. She turned on the pressure. "We have to get them now, before the priced go up." I tried to whine and say I didn't have the money and what will Jensen do? And I will die...She wouldn't accept any of my lame-o excuses. Her counter was, "You need to do this for you! It is a stress reliever (really? 471 miles? on a bike?) And it is sooooo much fun. You will love my friends that I ride with and they will love you. And one of my friends is cute and he's your age. " Always, the perky cheerleader. So I caved.

I bought the plane ticket and thought, "I'll buy the ticket and I can always just go visit some new friends that I have made that are from Iowa." And I could check out the cute guy :)

And then deadline for RAGBRAI came around. I had to commit. More money...now I can't get out of this. So this summer...July 21-29, I will have my big fanny on a little bike riding across Iowa. (which is not flat, contrary to popular belief!) 7 days, 471 miles, sleeping in a tent at night.

That guy dang well better be cute! and rich!!!

Modern Hero

I didn't get a current picture when we had dinner in Orlando. *kicking self*



This is my friend Liz. I met Liz at BYU. (I’m gonna say BYU and not BYU-Provo because there was only one BYU). My roommate Jacque, also from Florida, came home one day and said, “There is an apartment full of girls from Florida!” I knew that I must meet them because, hey, people from Florida are awesome. There were indeed 3 girls from Apartment 4 that were from Florida, and one from Indiana. We became fast friends. One of the girls had attended FSU for her undergraduate degree. While there, she was in a sorority. They came up with the notion that BYU should have sororities. So without acknowledgment from the administration of BYU, Gamma Nu was formed. Jacque and I were the fourth and fifth charter members. And as with all sororities, we participated in Rush Week. I’m not sure everything that it involved. I’m sure I have blocked the events from my memory because they involved self-humiliation. I do remember doing push-ups in front of the Harold B. Lee Library.

Liz and I had many adventures together. I remember driving my VW bug to Salt Lake City because she and Sandy were buying motorcycles. They drove the motorcycles home. Liz later wrecked hers. I don’t remember a lot of details but I’m pretty sure that was the end of her need to ride a motorcycle. As you can see she survived.

Liz was a music composition major. I remember going down into the catacombs of the Harris Fine Arts Center and watching and listening as she composed music. I remember thinking, “How does she do that? How does she know what comes next?” I’m still in awe. She taught me that the hardest part of a song is the ending. If a song ends in a fade out then the person took the easy way out because he/she couldn’t think of an ending.

Liz graduated from BYU in a timely manner, unlike some of us. I remember her first job was directing a Catholic choir in California. Oh the irony! It made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or apartment, Jacque and I get a roommate that…um…(to be Christ-like) we didn’t care for. We must have voiced our disdain quite a bit. We did. I really liked her brother and sister, but not her. It might have been the way she looked down her nose at me. Not sure, but probably.

Meanwhile, back in California, Liz gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.

Meanwhile, back in Provo, the roommate that I don’t care for gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.
Fast forward to Liz and Monica become mission companions. Small world, right? Liz got to know Monica on a deeper, more spiritual level and to this day she swears she is a nice person. Ok, we’ll just leave it at that.

Liz and I lost contact until one day when Facebook was invented. Yes, this becomes one of those miraculous reunions brought about by Facebook. Although, I think Liz and I are eternal friends and would have found a way to reconnect through snail mail.

Actually, I saw Liz for the first time in years when she was featured in the Ensign. Yes, that’s right! I’m so proud to call her my friend. She is using her life to do what we all dreamed of doing when we were young and unjaded. When she prays for World Peace, she actually does something about it. She brings peace to the children left orphaned in war torn countries. She founded a nonprofit organization, The Shropshire Music Foundation. You can read her story here. Please feel inclined to make a donation. I can testify that Liz lives like a pauper and that all of the money goes to the effort. She recently formed a Board of Directors to oversee the details and they forced her to take a minimal salary. (very minimal, less than a fast food worker minimal).

So why this tribute to my friend? In February, Liz was in Florida for a few days and we were able to have dinner together. Liz is the type of friend that I feel like we picked up where we left off. We will always have fun. It was not near enough time to visit but I know there will be more. If we could spend more time together I’m sure that we could solve all of the problems of this world. We have very similar beliefs…besides church. I love you, Liz!

Turn on the Light!

I'm wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I feel like I am the star of a major motion picture, not the beautiful star that falls in love with the handsome leading man and they live happily ever after but, the dumb one that does dumb stuff. For example, the one that goes into a dark room and doesn't turn on the light. Or the one that keeps making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. The audience screams, "Ugh! Are you kidding me?", "Again?", "Don't do it dummy!" Some members of the audience get up and walk out because they can't believe what is happening. They shout, "If she does that again, I'm not watching anymore!" Some people continue to watch because it is like a train wreck. They just can't turn away. They feel better about their own lives. Sometimes I feel like part of the audience and I can hear myself screaming, "Don't do it!"

I thought by writing this blog that I could get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I'll see as the day progresses. It's a start, right?

Walk Away

Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.

I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here

In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing

I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return

WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King