Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Maiden Name
I talked to my friend who just went through a divorce. She said it costs $400 to do a name change and then the judge could still deny your request. The only name you can go back to without a lot of hassle is your maiden name, thanks to the Patriot Act. I guess Stanford causes less pain right now, so Stanford it is. Back to Deborah Carey Stanford.
Monday, January 17, 2011
New Last Name
During my divorce procedures I will have the chance to change my last name. If my children were still little, I would just keep Clayton for ease in filling out school papers. Since they are grown and have their own identity, I will take on my new identity.
A lot of women use their maiden name but since I only feel pain when I think of my biological father I do not want to honor him by using his name. Although it is a cool name, Stanford.
My therapist suggested I could use my middle name as a surname. Deborah Carey. It works because it is spelled like a surname but I don't like the sound of it when I use it with my nickname, Debbie Carey. It sounds like Debbie Harry, which would remind me of the 80s rock band Blondie lead singer Debbie Harry. I don't have a "Heart of Glass", I have a "Heart of Stone".
My therapist also had a client that took on a family name from her genealogy. There are some cool names in my history like Kuper or Westmark. The only problem is I am afraid these men are also schmucks. I know for sure Kuper is. He was my mom's father who walked out on her when she was a wee little girl. Do you see a pattern here? I'm not sure there are any honorable men in our family.
I have thought about a new last name for a couple of years because I knew that divorce was inevitable. I have always been attracted to the last name Phoenix. Right now it defines what I am going through. I am just wondering that once I am through this stage of my life if I will still be attracted to it. If some cosmic shenanigans were to occur (because that is what it would take) and I were to re-marry I still don't think I will ever change my last name again. I am too old and too liberated and will be too independent.
Dictionary.com defines the phoenix as "a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope"
Another definition is "a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation."
My friend, Danette and I were texting the other night trying to think of a new name for me. Here are some that made the list: (Tell me what you think)
Darling
Black or Cullen (suggested by Melena)
Stamos (yummy)
Obama
Oreo
Bieber
Buble
Jensen, Parker or Madsion or Madparjen so no one gets jealous
Carter or Schaffer (hehe, creepy)
Cougar (since that will define my dating life)
Estrada, Venderbilt, Kennedy, Hitler, Van Dam
O'Shaunessy
Dallas
Focker
Mellencamp
Fatone
Squarepants or Squidward
Snack Cakes
Knows Her Gun, Spotted Elk, Little Mouse, Three Branches, One Bear (all of these from days in Montana)
Monson, Hinkley, Kimball, Rasband
Teets, Wise, Kirkland (to make others feel uncomfortable)
Bin Laden, Andretti, Mussolini, Michelangelo, Davinci, Mao, Lenin, Kim Confucius, Ho Chi Min (which I could shorten to Ho)
Aerosmith, Poison, Nirvana, GunsNRoses, Zeppelin, McCartney, Lennon, Ono
Versace, (it was at this point that I decided I liked alliterations) Debbie Dolce
Danette said it needed to be sexier.
Debbie Delicious? (I could lick my top lip every time I said it. Is that sexy?)
Deuce (since it is the second part of my life)
Doppelganger
Debbie Double D (we decided that would require surgery)
Debbie Daisy Duke
Dufflebutt, Dumbledore, Dumas, Dangerous
I like the one from Danette "Debbie Dozital" pronounced "Does-It-All" (I hope she meant work and not sexy)
The list is endless. I think I like Phoenix, even though it is not an alliteration.
Deborah Carey Phoenix
What do you think?
A lot of women use their maiden name but since I only feel pain when I think of my biological father I do not want to honor him by using his name. Although it is a cool name, Stanford.
My therapist suggested I could use my middle name as a surname. Deborah Carey. It works because it is spelled like a surname but I don't like the sound of it when I use it with my nickname, Debbie Carey. It sounds like Debbie Harry, which would remind me of the 80s rock band Blondie lead singer Debbie Harry. I don't have a "Heart of Glass", I have a "Heart of Stone".
My therapist also had a client that took on a family name from her genealogy. There are some cool names in my history like Kuper or Westmark. The only problem is I am afraid these men are also schmucks. I know for sure Kuper is. He was my mom's father who walked out on her when she was a wee little girl. Do you see a pattern here? I'm not sure there are any honorable men in our family.
I have thought about a new last name for a couple of years because I knew that divorce was inevitable. I have always been attracted to the last name Phoenix. Right now it defines what I am going through. I am just wondering that once I am through this stage of my life if I will still be attracted to it. If some cosmic shenanigans were to occur (because that is what it would take) and I were to re-marry I still don't think I will ever change my last name again. I am too old and too liberated and will be too independent.
Dictionary.com defines the phoenix as "a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope"
Another definition is "a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation."
My friend, Danette and I were texting the other night trying to think of a new name for me. Here are some that made the list: (Tell me what you think)
Darling
Black or Cullen (suggested by Melena)
Stamos (yummy)
Obama
Oreo
Bieber
Buble
Jensen, Parker or Madsion or Madparjen so no one gets jealous
Carter or Schaffer (hehe, creepy)
Cougar (since that will define my dating life)
Estrada, Venderbilt, Kennedy, Hitler, Van Dam
O'Shaunessy
Dallas
Focker
Mellencamp
Fatone
Squarepants or Squidward
Snack Cakes
Knows Her Gun, Spotted Elk, Little Mouse, Three Branches, One Bear (all of these from days in Montana)
Monson, Hinkley, Kimball, Rasband
Teets, Wise, Kirkland (to make others feel uncomfortable)
Bin Laden, Andretti, Mussolini, Michelangelo, Davinci, Mao, Lenin, Kim Confucius, Ho Chi Min (which I could shorten to Ho)
Aerosmith, Poison, Nirvana, GunsNRoses, Zeppelin, McCartney, Lennon, Ono
Versace, (it was at this point that I decided I liked alliterations) Debbie Dolce
Danette said it needed to be sexier.
Debbie Delicious? (I could lick my top lip every time I said it. Is that sexy?)
Deuce (since it is the second part of my life)
Doppelganger
Debbie Double D (we decided that would require surgery)
Debbie Daisy Duke
Dufflebutt, Dumbledore, Dumas, Dangerous
I like the one from Danette "Debbie Dozital" pronounced "Does-It-All" (I hope she meant work and not sexy)
The list is endless. I think I like Phoenix, even though it is not an alliteration.
Deborah Carey Phoenix
What do you think?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Suppositories and 2 Hours of Sleep
Last Friday, we took Madison to the airport. Her flight left at 6:30 am. Yes, am. So we had to get up at 3:45 and leave by 4:15. There was no way we were going to heed the advice to get there two hours before your flight leaves. We were going to take a chance with 45 minutes.
On Thursday night, I had to work until 8. When I got home, I had to spend every last second with Madison. It had been a year since I had last seen her and it might be another year before I see her again. We had dinner, I helped her finish packing, we played Monopoly Deal. Before we knew it it was 1 am. We decided we all wanted to get a couple of hours of a nap. Of course, that was in vain, but we gave it a shot.
We got her safely to the airport with time to spare. It was sad to see her go. I really enjoyed spending time with her. I love her so much.
Ok, back to the story. This is supposed to be funny. I don't like to use my sick or personal days unless I absolutely have to. I was gonna muddle through Friday even half dead. On to school I went.
I teach 6th grade science during 5th period. My co-teacher and I are trying to teach them the skill of note-taking. They were grumbling and complaining about the copious notes.
Student: "Will we have to take notes in 8th grade?"
Me: "Yes!" "And on Florida Writes that you take in the 8th grade you have to write a several paragraph essay like you did in 4th grade, so get used to writing."
Student: "Aren't there different kinds of essays? Like narrative?..."
Me: "Yes, narrative and suppository and persuasive..."
I keep writing notes on the board and then it hits me.
I turn around to my co-teacher, "Did I just say suppository?"
She is laughing hysterically.
Me: "I guess I did! I guess that is what happens when I get two hours of sleep!"
On Thursday night, I had to work until 8. When I got home, I had to spend every last second with Madison. It had been a year since I had last seen her and it might be another year before I see her again. We had dinner, I helped her finish packing, we played Monopoly Deal. Before we knew it it was 1 am. We decided we all wanted to get a couple of hours of a nap. Of course, that was in vain, but we gave it a shot.
We got her safely to the airport with time to spare. It was sad to see her go. I really enjoyed spending time with her. I love her so much.
Ok, back to the story. This is supposed to be funny. I don't like to use my sick or personal days unless I absolutely have to. I was gonna muddle through Friday even half dead. On to school I went.
I teach 6th grade science during 5th period. My co-teacher and I are trying to teach them the skill of note-taking. They were grumbling and complaining about the copious notes.
Student: "Will we have to take notes in 8th grade?"
Me: "Yes!" "And on Florida Writes that you take in the 8th grade you have to write a several paragraph essay like you did in 4th grade, so get used to writing."
Student: "Aren't there different kinds of essays? Like narrative?..."
Me: "Yes, narrative and suppository and persuasive..."
I keep writing notes on the board and then it hits me.
I turn around to my co-teacher, "Did I just say suppository?"
She is laughing hysterically.
Me: "I guess I did! I guess that is what happens when I get two hours of sleep!"
weird
You know what's really weird? The man that you were madly in love with for 27 years, married to for 25 years, soulmates, father of your 3 beautiful children, the man you shared everything with, body, mind and spirit, the man you thought you were going to be with for eternity, the man you laughed with, you cried with, the man you were inseperable from, seeing him at church and only acknowledging with a glance like he was someone who looks familiar but you're not sure from where. That's weird. And heartbreaking.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Death vs. Divorce
I have heard more than once that divorce is like death. I have thought about it and beg to differ. I think they are only alike in that they are both a loss and have to be grieved. I find that they are totally different. Here are my differences.
In death, you know that person still loved you. In divorce, you wonder if the person EVER loved you.
In death, you know that person is in a better place. In divorce, you hope you are never in the same place. You still have to deal with that person every day and all of their behaviors that contributed your divorce. You have to be together in social situations and pretend that everything is fine: church, family gatherings such as children's weddings graduations, etc. For many years, the wounds are reopened, sometimes, salt thrown on them.
In death, you know that you will be with that person again eternally and your family will be forever. In divorce, more than likely, you will not ever be with that person again, even eternally, and you might not want to. Your family is not forever. You think about changing the words to the familiar song to, "Some Families Can Be Together Forever."
In death, people gather around you and send flowers and make you dinner and clean your house and bring you brownies. In divorce, people don't talk to you because they think divorce is contagious. They look at you like a 'deer caught in the headlights' and then turn the other way. And they certainly don't bring you brownies.
In death, you still believe everything you have been taught. You find comfort in the Plan of Happiness. In divorce, you believe nothing you have been taught. You question marriage and it's sanctity. Everything seems like a lie. You don't know what you believe anymore. You wonder if you will ever find happiness again.
In death, death is natural. Heavenly Father decided to call them home. In divorce, the other person used their agency and decided to leave you and reject you and everything that you ever offered them.
In death, you have righteous desires to do what is right to guarantee personal salvation which can lead to exaltation. In divorce, you wonder why you can't have an eternal family because it is a righteous desire. Then you have to be reminded that marriage involves two people that have their agency.
In death, you don't get blamed. Unless your spouse was murdered, then you might be suspect. In divorce, even thought no one says it out loud, people blame you. "If only she would have fixed herself up... If only she wasn't so fat... If only she wasn't such a bitch... If only she wouldn't have spent so much time with her friends." Actually, that last one was said out loud. The first thing my mother asked me when I told her we were getting divorced was, "Is is because you spend so much time with Jean and Jennifer?" I couldn't believe it! I wanted to say "Yes! that's it! My marriage of 25 years is over because I spend too much time with my friends" I don't even know where that came from because in the first place it's not even close to being true. And in the second place, well, ugh!
In death, I wonder if spouses left behind are suicidal. I bet they are. That might be one thing that death and divorce have in common.
I'll probably think of more. Maybe one day I will write a book.
In death, you know that person still loved you. In divorce, you wonder if the person EVER loved you.
In death, you know that person is in a better place. In divorce, you hope you are never in the same place. You still have to deal with that person every day and all of their behaviors that contributed your divorce. You have to be together in social situations and pretend that everything is fine: church, family gatherings such as children's weddings graduations, etc. For many years, the wounds are reopened, sometimes, salt thrown on them.
In death, you know that you will be with that person again eternally and your family will be forever. In divorce, more than likely, you will not ever be with that person again, even eternally, and you might not want to. Your family is not forever. You think about changing the words to the familiar song to, "Some Families Can Be Together Forever."
In death, people gather around you and send flowers and make you dinner and clean your house and bring you brownies. In divorce, people don't talk to you because they think divorce is contagious. They look at you like a 'deer caught in the headlights' and then turn the other way. And they certainly don't bring you brownies.
In death, you still believe everything you have been taught. You find comfort in the Plan of Happiness. In divorce, you believe nothing you have been taught. You question marriage and it's sanctity. Everything seems like a lie. You don't know what you believe anymore. You wonder if you will ever find happiness again.
In death, death is natural. Heavenly Father decided to call them home. In divorce, the other person used their agency and decided to leave you and reject you and everything that you ever offered them.
In death, you have righteous desires to do what is right to guarantee personal salvation which can lead to exaltation. In divorce, you wonder why you can't have an eternal family because it is a righteous desire. Then you have to be reminded that marriage involves two people that have their agency.
In death, you don't get blamed. Unless your spouse was murdered, then you might be suspect. In divorce, even thought no one says it out loud, people blame you. "If only she would have fixed herself up... If only she wasn't so fat... If only she wasn't such a bitch... If only she wouldn't have spent so much time with her friends." Actually, that last one was said out loud. The first thing my mother asked me when I told her we were getting divorced was, "Is is because you spend so much time with Jean and Jennifer?" I couldn't believe it! I wanted to say "Yes! that's it! My marriage of 25 years is over because I spend too much time with my friends" I don't even know where that came from because in the first place it's not even close to being true. And in the second place, well, ugh!
In death, I wonder if spouses left behind are suicidal. I bet they are. That might be one thing that death and divorce have in common.
I'll probably think of more. Maybe one day I will write a book.
Bucket list - 1,000 books
I am working on my bucket list which is to read a 1,000 books. I am trying to find all of the books I have ever read on GoodReads so if you get a lot of updates from me, sorry in advance.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
An Affair Ended
My affair with Facebook is over. At least for now. It was just too much public exposure. I have been the subject of some nasty gossip. Actually, sometimes I think gossip about me is funny. I say sarcastic things or things that aren't quite true or that have double meanings just because I like the shock value. I don't know why I enjoy that, I just do. I guess that is the only fun I have is messing with peoples' minds.
This gossip was actually true and it really hurt. I had told a few people something in confidence and the next thing I know they have told two friends, and they told two friends and so on and so on.
I have to have a place to write so I decided to go back to my blog. I know the two people that read this and I love them and trust them.
It really stinks to lose your husband, your best friend and a potential best friend all in one year. Wow! It is so very painful. This growing and changing is for the birds. I've learned my lessson.
It makes we want to go back to the way I was when I would not talk to anyone but I don't think I can go back. That way was not healthy either. I will just have to really, really test people with my feelings and thoughts before I can share them. I thought I had done that with these people. Of course I did! I thought for sure I could trust them or I wouldn't have told them! Right?
Ok, I'm rambling. Lesson learned.
This gossip was actually true and it really hurt. I had told a few people something in confidence and the next thing I know they have told two friends, and they told two friends and so on and so on.
I have to have a place to write so I decided to go back to my blog. I know the two people that read this and I love them and trust them.
It really stinks to lose your husband, your best friend and a potential best friend all in one year. Wow! It is so very painful. This growing and changing is for the birds. I've learned my lessson.
It makes we want to go back to the way I was when I would not talk to anyone but I don't think I can go back. That way was not healthy either. I will just have to really, really test people with my feelings and thoughts before I can share them. I thought I had done that with these people. Of course I did! I thought for sure I could trust them or I wouldn't have told them! Right?
Ok, I'm rambling. Lesson learned.
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