Death vs. Divorce

I have heard more than once that divorce is like death. I have thought about it and beg to differ. I think they are only alike in that they are both a loss and have to be grieved. I find that they are totally different. Here are my differences.

In death, you know that person still loved you. In divorce, you wonder if the person EVER loved you.

In death, you know that person is in a better place. In divorce, you hope you are never in the same place. You still have to deal with that person every day and all of their behaviors that contributed your divorce. You have to be together in social situations and pretend that everything is fine: church, family gatherings such as children's weddings graduations, etc. For many years, the wounds are reopened, sometimes, salt thrown on them.

In death, you know that you will be with that person again eternally and your family will be forever. In divorce, more than likely, you will not ever be with that person again, even eternally, and you might not want to. Your family is not forever. You think about changing the words to the familiar song to, "Some Families Can Be Together Forever."

In death, people gather around you and send flowers and make you dinner and clean your house and bring you brownies. In divorce, people don't talk to you because they think divorce is contagious. They look at you like a 'deer caught in the headlights' and then turn the other way. And they certainly don't bring you brownies.

In death, you still believe everything you have been taught. You find comfort in the Plan of Happiness. In divorce, you believe nothing you have been taught. You question marriage and it's sanctity. Everything seems like a lie. You don't know what you believe anymore. You wonder if you will ever find happiness again.

In death, death is natural. Heavenly Father decided to call them home. In divorce, the other person used their agency and decided to leave you and reject you and everything that you ever offered them.

In death, you have righteous desires to do what is right to guarantee personal salvation which can lead to exaltation. In divorce, you wonder why you can't have an eternal family because it is a righteous desire. Then you have to be reminded that marriage involves two people that have their agency.

In death, you don't get blamed. Unless your spouse was murdered, then you might be suspect. In divorce, even thought no one says it out loud, people blame you. "If only she would have fixed herself up... If only she wasn't so fat... If only she wasn't such a bitch... If only she wouldn't have spent so much time with her friends." Actually, that last one was said out loud. The first thing my mother asked me when I told her we were getting divorced was, "Is is because you spend so much time with Jean and Jennifer?" I couldn't believe it! I wanted to say "Yes! that's it! My marriage of 25 years is over because I spend too much time with my friends" I don't even know where that came from because in the first place it's not even close to being true. And in the second place, well, ugh!

In death, I wonder if spouses left behind are suicidal. I bet they are. That might be one thing that death and divorce have in common.

I'll probably think of more. Maybe one day I will write a book.