Turn on the Light!

I'm wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I feel like I am the star of a major motion picture, not the beautiful star that falls in love with the handsome leading man and they live happily ever after but, the dumb one that does dumb stuff. For example, the one that goes into a dark room and doesn't turn on the light. Or the one that keeps making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. The audience screams, "Ugh! Are you kidding me?", "Again?", "Don't do it dummy!" Some members of the audience get up and walk out because they can't believe what is happening. They shout, "If she does that again, I'm not watching anymore!" Some people continue to watch because it is like a train wreck. They just can't turn away. They feel better about their own lives. Sometimes I feel like part of the audience and I can hear myself screaming, "Don't do it!"

I thought by writing this blog that I could get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I'll see as the day progresses. It's a start, right?

Walk Away

Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.

I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here

In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing

I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return

WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King

I'm in Love!

Well, I've gone and done it. I'm in love! He's not tall, dark and handsome. He's not rich and famous. Actually, he's not even a he. It's me! I'm in love with me! Fooled you, huh?

My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?

She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.

She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.

I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:

1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check

I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)

47

I have to admit that I was not a very nice person on my birthday. It was a real struggle for me. Lots of emotions coming to the surface. I spent a lot of the day crying. I didn't want to, but I did. At the end of the day, love won. I have so many friends and family to be thankful for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I didn't return calls or texts or messages on facebook until the end of the day. I just really wanted to be alone and waller in my emotions. But my friends and family were persistant. I think I am rather transparent by now.

I started the day with a walk with my friend Sherie. I knew that I had to get a walk in because Jensen was at home making me a cake. Sherie and I walked two miles. I came home and walked another three.

Melody and Jean both called and sang Happy Birthday, at separate times. Melody invited me to breakfast but I wouldn't go.

Jensen made me a cake and she and Madison cleaned the house for me. They gave me my gifts, the movie "Rio" that Jensen and I had seen together at the theatres and a pair of my very own headphones that I can use with their Ipods when I go walking.

The three of us watched a marathon of Arrested Development, my favorite TV show. It always makes me laugh and laugh I did. Madison went to work, Jensen went to band camp and I ran errands and cried some more. Then went to work and cried some more when Melody showed up at Domino's with all five of her kids and sang Happy Birthday to me. I guess I should have answered her texts.

When I got home from work there was a sign on my door that said, "Happy Birthday Sister Stanford." It was signed by all of the students in my Sunday school class, even Ethan Garrett before he left. They have been planning this for quite some time, little sneaks. They gave me two pairs of funky reading glasses. I cried some more.

Robin Evans had made me some delicious cupcakes. I didn't return her messages either. She sent them home with Jensen from church. They were delicious! I cried again.

At church Jensen had made another gift for me. It is a cute little scrapbook. It incorporated all of the things that I like. I cried again.

I got 72 birthday wishes on Facebook. I got texts that wished me happy birthday. I didn't count those yet. Oh, and my drinking buddy Bob Shofkom called to wish me a Happy Birthday.

So, even though I was in a snit, my friends and family still love me unconditionally and I am forever grateful and I hope they don't give up on me.

Mending My Net

This week's feelings are brought to you by, "I am ugly". This has not been a good week. I have been feeling ugly. No I'm not fishing for compliments. It is what it is.

I thought I was almost finished with therapy. I even had my therapist convinced...almost. She let me cancel one appointment but she said she wanted to keep the other ones scheduled, just in case. She's very wise. She busted me. Well really it might have something to do with that I couldn't stop crying at my last appointment. She had said before that every once in a while I would still have emotions come to the surface. I didn't believe her. Now I do.

I told her I had been feeling really ugly. I feel used, dried up, old, ugly, unlovable, unattractive, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I have nothing to give. She said, "When fishermen can't fish, they mend their nets. Now is the time for you to mend your net." In other words, I have to work on my innards. My soul. My self-worth. My divine nature.

Then she said we are going to do some inner child work. My assignment this week is to get out a picture of myself when I was five and write a letter to that little girl. Great! If you see me crying just move along.

And then she upped my appointments to once a week.

My Dwindling Village

Today I took two of my best friends to the airport. Danette and Melena, and of course Camryn, but she is Jensen's best friend.

Danette is leaving me again! I can't help but think in the back of my mind that it will only for be for 7 months again, but I really don't think so.

We became even closer friends when they moved back from Montana. Since she found out she was moving to Wyoming, it seems we experienced a lot of the same emotions as we went simultaneously through major life changes.

She was my sounding board. I would call her up and vent and rant and rave and she would listen. She was part of my village, my circle of trust. I'm really going to miss her. I know that with today's technology we can still keep in touch, but I can't walk to her house when I am angry or lonely or bored. Well I could but by the time I got there I will forget what I went for. Because according to Melena, "It would take you 28 days and 13 hours of non-stop walking to get from Florida to Wyoming. with a total of 2,093 miles".

I really think their leaving was the source of my crying jig that lasted for several days. Their friendship has been invaluable to me. They have been really supportive emotionally and physically. They are always helping me take care of Jensen, giving her rides places, giving me rides places. Letting Jensen practically live with them. Letting me practically live with them.

It's unwritten but if something happens to me, they get Jensen. We've always talked about it. They actually want partial custody of her now. They will probably get her for two weeks in the summer. I'm really gong to miss them.

You can read more about our friendship here or here

Rescuing Myself

On occasion, I get overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness, truthfully, on a lot of occasions. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with financial burdens, truthfully, a lot of times. When I get these feelings it makes me feel like I am a damsel in distress and I need a hero on a white horse to come into my life and rescue me. Then the daydream is over and reality slaps me across the face.

I don't like feeling like the damsel in distress. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable. It leads to bad decisions. I mentioned it to my therapist. She had the best piece of advice. She said, "You don't need anyone to rescue you, you have rescued yourself! You pay your bills, you have a good job, you have your education, you have made so much progress in every part of your life. You're doing this!" And then I had a moment of enlightenment. "Yeah! I'm doing this! I don't need anyone to rescue me!"

I still wouldn't mind that hero on the white horse. Or black horse. Or brown horse. Or he could even walk. No never mind. I'll take one with a nice car. He can take me to dinner, pay my bills, we could hang out. No rescuing needed. :)