Jensen Taylor Clayton - 15

Born June 5, 1996


Also known as,
Bensen-Madison thinks she is her personal butler
Jeenson-with a country accent like her country cousins say it
Jensoney full of baloney-Cuz someitmes she is
Jen-nay- like Forrest Gump would say, peas and carrots
J-Lo or Jenny from the block-Cuz she has a big bootie like J-Lo
J-Dog-Gangsta name
Jenny Jones-because I like alliterations
Shortstuff, Munchkin, Fun Size, Periwinkle-all names given to her by school friends
JT and Nerd Girl - what her grandpa calls her

Acceptance and Forgiveness

"Tell me about she good times," she said.

I replied, "There weren't any."

"Surely there was something. You were in it for 25 years. You wouldn't have stayed that long if there were nothing good," she prodded for a better answer.

"I got nothing", I said blankly.

She replied, "You've got your kids."

Perking up and almost defensive, I answer, "Of course, they are the good part. They are the reason I keep going. The reason I keep choosing to live. They are fantastic!"

She continues to question, "Tell me something else."

I'm shaking my head "No". Staring ahead and trying to find something in the dark recesses of my mind. Again I answer, "I got nothing."

She lets it go for now. She knows it will come later, and it does.

After all of the pain,
the heartache,
the anger,
the rage, oh, the rage
the vindictiveness,
the revenge,
the crying,
the screaming,
the spite,
the spewing,


after it's all gone,

then I remember...

I remember the good times. I remember the friendship. I remember the laughter. I remember the funny. I remember.

Now I can mourn the loss of the good times. I cry. I cry some more.

Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe this is forgiveness. I hope so. I'm ready.

Maybe we can be friends.

Plan B - Week 1

:)

Plan "B"

Today I received my Plan B in the mail. It officially started on Monday when the judge signed (or stamped) my final divorce decree. Although I knew it was coming, it was still so...final. It's probably similar, although I don't know for sure, like when you know someone is going to die. You prepare for it, you start the grieving process, you start cleaning out belongings and downsizing, you make plans for the future and then when it actually happens and is final...BLAM! That's right...sorrow. It was kind of physically numbing.

I had to snap out of it quick because I had to work tonight. It was kind of a good distraction. It's also a good thing the pollen count is high. People won't know I'm crying. I just say it's allergies.

All I can say is that a quarter of a century is a long time. It's a lot to process and a lot to let go. This was not in my plans, not what I signed up for.

I am blessed to have a plethora of friends in my support network. They told me that I would be ok. I have to believe them.

My friends and I are symbiotic and, although our situations are not exactly the same, some are facing life changes. My one friend was told to not fear the future but to look at it in wonderment. I wonder what my future will hold? I wonder what my Paln "B" will be?

The Other Side of Sorrow

Sometimes others have words that describe what I am feeling better than I do.

"For what it's worth, this is my experience: at the very moment of my deepest sorrows, no words, no songs, no inspirational thoughts or sympathy card sayings have ever penetrated my grief and brought comfort to my soul. Later, perhaps, and only little by little have those healing tools helped me, but never when the hurt was the greatest. It's been on the journey to the other side of sorrow that the songs and stories of those who've made it there themselves have had the greatest impact." Michael McClean

These are the words on one of his CDs. It really resonated with me. Most days I feel like I am past my deepest sorrows. And then Blam! Not so much. Luckily, the grief doesn't last as long. I would like to think that I am on the journey to the other side of sorrow. The healing tools are starting to work.

I haven't been able to listen to the CD yet because I'm afraid. It gives me comfort though, to know that I'm not alone. Someone else has been there and survived.

Best Mother's Day Ever

I loved the years that my kids made me breakfast in bed or homemade cards or picked wild flowers for Mother's Day but I have to say that I also love that they are all three working, including the little one with babysitting.

This year they all three chipped in and bought me a gift certificate for a one hour deep tissue massage! Oh yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. They are so in tune with my needs. They know that I'm a little stressed lately for some reason. Maybe it's because my head spins and I spew ugly words. Do you think that's it? Maybe they had their own needs in mind when they bought it. If mama's happy, everybody's happy? Nah, I think they did it because they love me. They also bought me some lotion from Bath and Body Works. It has become the girls in this house new favorite store. I bet Parker uses the lotion when we aren't looking. Sometimes his skin gets ashy too! And I also got a Zen Garden. Do you see a link? All things to try and get mom to relax.

After church we had my mom and step-dad over for a Mother's Day lunch. Madison even helped a lot with that and served my lunch. Awesome! The rest of the day we took naps in between watching episodes from How I Met Your Mother.

I love my kids and I love being a mother.

Thank you Madison, Parker and Jensen! Oh and I can't forget Otto and Daisy because they also signed the gift certificate:)

A Man in Uniform

I know I'm not supposed to be looking for a new man yet, my divorce isn't final. I thought I would go ahead and set some standards of what I want him to be like. If you see hide or hair of someone like this have him text, e-mail, or "friend" me on Facebook. Who doesn't love a man in uniform?