The Middletons

I don't know their official title so I am going to call them "The Middletons"

I guess I need to share my opinion of the Royal Wedding. I'm not really "into" the wedding schmedding gala. I really don't approve of the 34 million dollars or pounds that was spent. I'm just glad I'm not British and have to worry about my money being spent that way. I have enough to worry about as to where my tax dollars go. But that's just me being a minimalist. There is another side of me that is fascinated by the event. I don't remember ever thinking that I was a princess when I was younger. I was quite the tomboy so I'm pretty sure I was the solider guarding the princess. I now consider myself a princess of a King, it's not the same, I know. No pomp and circumstance needed for me.

I have to admit that I watched the highlights with intrigue. There are some things that I liked about it. I liked that Kate's dress was simple and modest. I'm not a big fan of lace but, it looked good on her. I like that they honored a lot of Princess Di's traditions and memories. I think Kate is absolutely stunning! I think Princess Di would have approved. No wonder William fell in love with her, she's a lot like his mother. I like that instead of a bunch of cut flowers, she used live tress in Westminster Abbey. For a long time after my Happily-Ever-After was thwarted, I only believed in Good-Enough-Ever-After. After seeing these two kiss as a Prince and Princess, I have to say I might believe in Happily-Ever-After again. I think they might get it. One day maybe I'll get Happily-Ever-After. I have to hope.

Raising Hope

I've been thinking about writing this blog since I watched, "Raising Hope" on Tuesday night. It's funny where we get our inspirtation. I love that show. The family is hysterically dysfunctional and it makes me feel better about my family, the one I was born into and the one I created. I don't think we can ever be that dysfunctional...or could we?

This episode was about the teen dad and his parents trying to get his baby to "self-soothe" and go back to sleep without being picked up and rocked back to sleep. The inspiration came in me thinking that is something I need to do, "self-soothe". Since going through divorce and the emotions it entails, I have indulged in some self-defeating activities that would be more in the line of "eat, drink and be merry" instead of self-soothing.

I've been eating whatever I darn well please. This is usually anything that includes sugar or carbohyrates such as, bags of Oreos and Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Potato Chips. I've been drinking an over abundance of diet coke, and not enough water. (Bet you thought I was going to say booze). And depending on others, like friends, Romans and countrymen, to bring me merriment. Really what I need to do is find merriment within myself. I need to be okay with just me, to find happiness independent of another.

I really don't mind being alone. I spent the whole day with just me. I did some things that needed to be done and some things that had to be done. I had a good time with just me, myself and I.

The part that I abhor is the loneliness. Ugh! It's killing me. Wo(men) are not made to be alone. I now understand why people go from one toxic relationship to another, they don't want to be lonely!

Ok, I think I got off track here with the loneliness. Back to self-soothing. Since no one is going to pick me up and rock me to sleep, some things that I came up with to self-soothe are: read, especially sciptures, finish a jig-saw puzzle that I started months ago, write in my journal, blog, listen to uplifting music, work on my vision board, work on my bucket list, write letters, pray, and hum my favorite hymn. Although I have a plethora of friends, they are not available when I'm lonely. I will use the aformentioned skills. And those countrymen, I just to need to leave them alone, but they are so enticing. Grrr!

Excuse Me While I Talk to Myself

Dear Debbbie,
Is you crazy? Let me see how many cliche's I can use to get my point across. If you keep doin' what you are doin', you gonna get what you got! Seriously? One step forward and five steps back? Is this what you want? I will answer that, "No! It is not what you want!"

You have got to stay focused on the prize. Stop that dilly-dallying out in left field. I know you hear Geroge Lopez's voice in your head saying, "I got this!" Let me tell you something, "You don't got this!" You need to stop thinking you can do everything by yourself. Cuz guess what? You can't! You need help. You need to take a chill pill and just chillax. Stop and smell the roses. Live in the now. You know what I'm sayin'?

Focus on what's important. And what is important? I will answer that, too. Family, self and gospel. That's what is important. Eye on the prize.

And by the way, stop giving your heart away. It just gets put through the shredder and handed back to you. You only get one heart and you gots to protect it.

Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there and fight the good fight. You can do this. Stop looking back and side to side. Stay focused!

Trusting Happiness

I want to say that I am happy. I might even be happier than I have been in a really long time. Do I say ever? Maybe. It's hard for me to trust happiness. My life has been extremely topsy-turvy for the last, I don't know, at least 5 years or more. A lot has happened besides the dissolution of my marriage. I won't bore you with the details, but gosh. Now it seems I am sighing a lot. A sigh of relief. I don't trust happiness because I never know when something, a small moment, will trigger despair or depression. I think I have learned a lot of new coping skills and thought processes. I am able to change the tapes that play in my head, change my reasoning. When something happens I am able to pull myself out of it rather quickly. I think I have had more good days than bad days during the last few weeks. I know that I still have a lot of challenges to face but I think I will be ok. Should I just jump in, feet first and hope that happiness will stay? I think I will.

Pride and Prejudice

No, I'm not talking about a Jane Austen book or movie. I've never read one of her books or seen any of the movies. Although I think it's on Debbie Carter's bucket list to convert me to a reader of the books and a watcher of the movies, I have no desire. I don't know… the idea of men wearing ascots just seems so...um...fancy...to me.

What I'm writing about is more character flaws that I have found in my fearless and searching moral inventory of myself. Yep! That's right. I'm prideful. I don't mean the pride like as rational concern for my appearance or pride in my race or nation or sexuality. I don't mean pride as in haughty, "I'm better than you because I'm richer than you and have nicer things than you." (We all know that's not true). I mean pride as in, "I'm a better person than you."

Where does the pride come from? It comes from being prejudice. And by prejudice, I mean judgmental. The word prejudice has it's origins in the word judge. Prejudice makes for a better title for my post. Pride and judgment just didn't flow. So yeah, being judgmental is hard to admit. I have always “prided” myself on not being judgmental but really, I am. I don't judge others by the house they live in, the clothes they wear, the religion they practice, or the politicians they vote for. I don't judge someone because of their size, shape, color, race, ethnicity, or sexuality. Do you know what I judge others for? Their character flaws. I know, right? Who knew? Not me, until I did this inventory.

I have been judging another by their inability to be honest, their work ethic (or lack of), their temper, their need to be a victim, their selfishness, their inability to complete tasks, their inability to do the things I would like them to do or do them how I want them done, and their inability to meet my expectations. The list could go on and on but this is painful enough. This judgment leads to pride. Me thinking that, "I am always honest, I am a harder worker, I can control my temper at all times, I'm selfless, I can finish anything. You must do things my way for it is the only right way!" These things are just not true. I'm not always honest, I don't always control my temper, and I don't always finish tasks.

So why am I judging others when I walk imperfectly?

I have lot of reasons why, but really, none of them are acceptable. I just need to stop judging others. I think it is something that I am going to have to repent of/make amends for everyday.

And by judging others I mean one person in particular. I think I judge the ones I love and ones that are in my inner circle and the ones whose character flaws affect my life. Those are the people that I need to judge the least and just accept them for who they are.

1000 times

But I say unto you; Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

I have heard this advice/counsel, at minimum, at least 1,000 times. I usually just skim over the verse and think, well I don't have any enemies, so I'm ok. Don't need this one.


Lo and behold, I heard it last week. Not in scriptural reference but as advice from a friend of a friend. I decided to employ it in my life and it worked like a miracle. It made me think of this scripture and that's when I realized I'd heard it 1,000 times.

I have been dealing with a lot with rage and, anger and, hate. (I think I have mentioned this 1,000 times). I don't like rage, and anger, and hate. I don't like who I am when they take over. A friend of mine is going through similar experiences of rage, and anger, and hate. (it's funny how my friends and I live a beneficially symbiotic life). She had a friend tell her that she had to pray for the person who offended her and incited this rage. And she had to pray every day for two weeks. Two weeks? Really?

I thought, "I should do that!" so began my prayers for a person who has offended me. The first time I prayed I felt an outpuring of love for that person. It was like a miracle! The rage is not gone but it certainly lessened tremendously. When I feel the rage coming on, I immmediately start praying for that person. Sometimes the prayer is very direct and out loud. Sometimes it's when I am driving in the car. Sometimes it's in the hallway at school or church. I pray for me to be calm, cool, and collective but, I also pray for that person. My life has been so much calmer. I hope that person's life is beeter beause I have prayed for them.

It really works. You should try it.

And if you and I are in conversation, and I say, "I'm going to pray for you." You will know that you have offended me or made me angry or despitefully used me.

It's funny how I hear things 1,000 times but it doesn't really sink in until my heart is open and ready for change and I'm humble and ready to be taught.

Medical Update

I almost canceled my appointment with the rheumatologist today. I haven't had any pain since the last steroid pack. His office is all the way in Altamonte, I had to take a day off of work, I was afraid of what my co-payment would be because I haven't met my dedcutible this year, I hate getting established as a new patient and a myriad of other reasons.

I decided to go anyway. Since I had the day off I decided to go to the divorce lawyer too. That's a different blog, probably not one I'll share anyway.

My mom rode with me so the drive wasn't too bad. After lots of poking and prodding, which in retrospect, makes me laugh, he said that it was probably a reaction to a virus I had. The only way to know for sure is to wait and see if it returns. If the pain doesn't return, it was viral. If it does, then, well I guess it will be more poking and prodding.

He went ahead and took more blood and a urine sample. I don't know what else there is to test for, but I guess that's why I'm not a doctor. I go back in a month to find out the results of those tests.

I should have crossed my fingers because I have been having pain in my right thigh and my left wrist the past few days. I didn't tell him that. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I am crazy already and he will just diagnose me with more crazy. It seems like no one believes me anyway. When I try to explain it, it sounds non-sensical and the other person usually has a puzzled look on their face. Maybe the pain is just old age.

My own professional diagnosis is that I was abducted by aliens, a chip inserted and then my body rejected it.

All I know for sure is that I don't want the pain that I had before to come back. It was a nightmare.