Fear not

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. I don't know why, I just am. A few weeks ago I read an article on aol.com about a woman who was facing her fears. She had lost a job that she'd had for a long time. She felt like she was starting her life all over. For some reason, that resonated with me. She decided that she would face a fear each day and record it. Luckily, she is a writer and received a huge advance for a book. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to face my fears.

Over the last few years, I have had been forced to overcome my fears whether I liked it our not. Now, as I move forward, I have will face my fears on my own...hopefully. I will face them before they face me. The author of the article would face fears like skydiving, living in a foreign country, speaking up when she had an opinion. She was trying to find her voice and be heard. Again, like me.

While I had been thinking about fear my friend Debbie Carter gave a talk in church about fear. I loved the quote she used by Thomas S. Monson, "Fear is the enemy of growth and accomplishment."

"Yes," I thought, "That's it!"

I want to grow and accomplish much.

Sometimes I feel like I am fearless but the truth of the matter is, I have lots of fears. My bucket list is full of facing my fears like bungee jumping, going on the Tower of Terror, and swimming with sharks. (That one is not really on there but it sounded cool). It's not just about the adrenaline rush.

Some of the fears I am going to be facing head on and that I may or may not record (since I'm not getting money) are:

Change-Actually I kind of like change now. Bring it on.

Money- or lack thereof. But “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). I am trying to be prepared. This one takes a lot of faith, too. My house is in foreclosure, but I am preparing for the final day occupancy. I know that I will be taken care of and I won't be homeless. And even if I have to live in a van down by the river, that will be ok, too.

What others think- I know I am not supposed to care what others think but let's face it. We all do to some degree. I just don't want to disappoint my kids or friends or family. I value their opinion. I try not to let what others think be my guiding force and make decisions for myself.

Giving up control- this one takes faith also. I've had to really strengthen my faith and let God take control of my life.

Speaking up-It's really hard for me to express my beliefs if they differ from others. I'm getting better at it. It's also difficult for me to speak up and talk to new people. I know you're rolling your eyes and saying, "Seriously?" It's a true story.

I hope to grow much and accomplish much. Maybe one day I will get a book deal. Who knows? Myabe postmortem?

See Ya Later

I've tried to avoid this as long as possible because I break out in tears when I think about it, but it's time to say goodbye to three of my favorite people. I thought about naming this entry a Farewell to Friends, but I don't want this to be a farewell. I want it to be a 'see ya later'. I know it will be.

I just want to share some of my favorite memories.

Brianna Carter-
Driving to Apopka and jammin' to the tunes, laughing hysterically, having dinner in Apopka's ghetto, shopping, Rebounderz, the beach, texting, sharing her testimony with me at Adam-ondi-Ahman

Debbie Carter-
going to the temple, book club, serving in Young Women-listening to her lessons, she's an amazing teacher! Blogging-I love reading her blogs. Her example has kept me blogging even with long gaps in my posts. It's a way for me to write my personal history. When I post, I look forward to her comments. I'm pretty sure she is my most avid commenter.

Her husband once counseled me that I needed to make friends with people that had strong testimonies. I picked Debbie. (I'm sure he regrets that counsel). I borrowed strength from her testimony when mine was wavering. She has proven trustworthy and non-judgmental. She has listened to me rant and rave and carry on, whether it was through e-mails or chatting while we walk. We talked about everything from families, to politics, to gospel doctrine. She's a great cheerleader. She set an example for my by serving a service mission. Now serving is on my bucket list. I want to be like Debbie when I grow up.

Doug-
My favorite thing to do is rib him about his lame Jet Ski driving skills and how he can't dump me into the lake.

President Carter, as my Stake President, spent countless hours counseling me when I was downtrodden. Most of the time we sat knee-to-knee. (How could I not be obedient, right?) He pushed me to grow spiritually and to raise the bar. He once gave me a blessing and in the blessing he said I needed to have charity. I was pretty sure he was mistaken. I mulled it over for a few days. I finally called him and asked, "Are you sure that's right? I'm supposed to have charity?' He said, "Yes, that is correct." Even though I knew the definition of charity, and I feel like I have a charitable heart, I had never really been tested on it. So I prayed for charity. It took a while, but it finally came. He was right. That's what I needed and it's what the Lord wanted for me. President Carter was there for me, day or night. He often knew what I was thinking and feeling without me even telling him, or without me even knowing myself. I know he had this power because of his calling, but I also think it is one of his spiritual gifts. If I was able to choose a brother, it would be Doug Carter.

So now, as you leave on the next chapter of your lives, I bid you adieu. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Til we meet again...

School Year 2010-2011

As the school year ends, it is a time of reflection. It was a rough year to say the least, both emotionally and physically. I've had the privilege to work side-by-side with two of the most amazing people ever. (hyperbole) Last year, Katie Gates and Dave Harris were asked to start a pilot program that would target students who had been retained or failed at least one grade. This program would give them the opportunity to skip a grade and get back on track. The students were not necessarily retained or failed because of intellectual ability or disability. On the contrary, most had suffered some major life-altering personal tragedy and pretty much lost hope. Our job was to help them succeed and become reinvested in their education and to give them hope. The program was a great success. I was brought on board as the ESE teacher because some of the students did have an Individual Education Plan. Unfortunately, the program will not continue next year because the school is implementing a similar program handed down from the state (AVID). It's kind of sad because it does not target the same demographic and the type of students we had will not have the opportunity and will more than likely fall through the cracks. The new program targets GPA, economic status and students whose parents did not graduate from college.

When we started this year some of the guidance counselors did not understand the program and The Academy, as it is known, became a dumping ground for students with poor behavior. The teachers were not included in the selection process like we were last year. It was a rough crowd. We made it through to the end of the first semester and we were able to promote some students and were able to return some students to the regular classroom. It was a much better crowd after that.

We all three went through a lot of personal struggles. Katie and I both went through physical trials. She broke her foot and had surgery and some other stuff that I can't think of right now. I had the alien viral arthritis. Her divorce was final the day after mine. Most days she would give me a ride to school and we would act as each other's therapist. We shared a lot of tears and hugs. Dave lost a few family members in death. He was still dealing with the loss of his mother from last year. He had some other personal struggles but he was our rock. He picked up the slack that Katie and I left in our wake. And he never complained. We worked like a well-oiled machine. We had lunch together every day and laughed at the little world we had created. I couldn't have made it through this year without these two people.

When I was not re-hired at Eustis Elementary school, I was kicking and screaming and angry. It was the perfect job for me. It was only a mile from home. I had taught there for 8 years. I knew all of the kids. I am an alumni of Eustis Elementary for Pete’s sake. Why was God doing this to me? At the same time I went through a personal tragedy. I had said a prayer and asked God to please put people in my life who could help me. He did. I had to go to Tavares Middle School to find them, Dave and Katie.

I also met some fabulous students. I was lucky because my job was to go between classes and help co-teach. If a student failed a test I would re-teach and then re-test. Most days I spent putting out fires of drama. I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time acting as a therapist or a mom for the students. They would share their stories with me and I often went home in tears. My heart bled for them. I hope that I made a difference, even if it was just for the day.

As I was thinking about the job that I wanted for next year I thought, "I would like to be a Co-operative Consultation teacher." We had two teachers doing the job and I thought, "They will never leave that job. They are good at what they do." My weakest skill of my job is writing Individual Education Plans. I have wanted to learn more about how to write an effective one but I rarely had time. The training I had was on-the-job. I would usually rush through it and then the ESE specialist would change everything, so it seemed.

Today, the principal called me into the office and said that I would be teaching Co-operative Consultation next year. One of the teachers in that position would be moving to another position. I felt that my prayers had been answered. I am so excited. I will have my own office and small room. The students are allowed to leave the classroom and come to my office for assistance as one of their accommodations. I will still be able to work with them one-on-one or in small groups, which is my favorite part of my job. I'm just afraid I am gong to miss the classroom. I really liked co-teaching and being in the classroom with another teacher and the kids.

I'm sure Dave and Katie will let me come and hang out in their classroom.

Charlie's Angels

Once upon a time there were two little girls who went to the police academy...Jennifer Anderson and I have had a lot of testosterone lying around so we felt the need to burn some of it. We have been planning a trip to go shoot guns for about two months now and just have not been able to get our schedules to coincide. Tonight, the planets aligned and we finally made it to the Gun Shop & Gun Range in Leesburg.
I have never even held a real gun. It was a lot of fun and very empowering. This is my first target. I call him my sexy new boyfriend Jimmy. He made me mad so I had to shoot him. When I got home Jensen reminded me that zombies can't be killed by shooting. I'm pretty sure Jimmy is an exception. I tore him up.
This is our first gun. I would tell you about it but really I have no clue. When Mr. Shorer talked...well I had my ear gear on, and really I just wanted to get busy shooting. The next two guns were 9mm. I remember that much. I knew I had to take pictures because my step-dad would ask what kind of gun I shot and I would have to say, "I dunno" and shrug my shoulders. Now I can just show him pictures and I'm sure he can identify them.

Jennifer and her sexy zombie, clown boyfriend. I didn't catch his name. Names don't matter. She tore him up, too!
Jennifer gearing up. She looks like a beautiful Kate Jackson but I'm afraid I look nothing like Farrah Fawcett.

We looked around the shop at some interesting gadgets. I took pictures of Jennifer trying them out. I promised her I wouldn't share, but really I would for a fee, or if she ever made me mad.

We stopped at Tiajuana Flats for a bite to eat but left qucikly when a roach flew down and landed on a lady at the next table over. Bleh.

Jensen Taylor Clayton - 15

Born June 5, 1996


Also known as,
Bensen-Madison thinks she is her personal butler
Jeenson-with a country accent like her country cousins say it
Jensoney full of baloney-Cuz someitmes she is
Jen-nay- like Forrest Gump would say, peas and carrots
J-Lo or Jenny from the block-Cuz she has a big bootie like J-Lo
J-Dog-Gangsta name
Jenny Jones-because I like alliterations
Shortstuff, Munchkin, Fun Size, Periwinkle-all names given to her by school friends
JT and Nerd Girl - what her grandpa calls her

Acceptance and Forgiveness

"Tell me about she good times," she said.

I replied, "There weren't any."

"Surely there was something. You were in it for 25 years. You wouldn't have stayed that long if there were nothing good," she prodded for a better answer.

"I got nothing", I said blankly.

She replied, "You've got your kids."

Perking up and almost defensive, I answer, "Of course, they are the good part. They are the reason I keep going. The reason I keep choosing to live. They are fantastic!"

She continues to question, "Tell me something else."

I'm shaking my head "No". Staring ahead and trying to find something in the dark recesses of my mind. Again I answer, "I got nothing."

She lets it go for now. She knows it will come later, and it does.

After all of the pain,
the heartache,
the anger,
the rage, oh, the rage
the vindictiveness,
the revenge,
the crying,
the screaming,
the spite,
the spewing,


after it's all gone,

then I remember...

I remember the good times. I remember the friendship. I remember the laughter. I remember the funny. I remember.

Now I can mourn the loss of the good times. I cry. I cry some more.

Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe this is forgiveness. I hope so. I'm ready.

Maybe we can be friends.

Plan B - Week 1

:)