Trusting Happiness

I want to say that I am happy. I might even be happier than I have been in a really long time. Do I say ever? Maybe. It's hard for me to trust happiness. My life has been extremely topsy-turvy for the last, I don't know, at least 5 years or more. A lot has happened besides the dissolution of my marriage. I won't bore you with the details, but gosh. Now it seems I am sighing a lot. A sigh of relief. I don't trust happiness because I never know when something, a small moment, will trigger despair or depression. I think I have learned a lot of new coping skills and thought processes. I am able to change the tapes that play in my head, change my reasoning. When something happens I am able to pull myself out of it rather quickly. I think I have had more good days than bad days during the last few weeks. I know that I still have a lot of challenges to face but I think I will be ok. Should I just jump in, feet first and hope that happiness will stay? I think I will.

Pride and Prejudice

No, I'm not talking about a Jane Austen book or movie. I've never read one of her books or seen any of the movies. Although I think it's on Debbie Carter's bucket list to convert me to a reader of the books and a watcher of the movies, I have no desire. I don't know… the idea of men wearing ascots just seems so...um...fancy...to me.

What I'm writing about is more character flaws that I have found in my fearless and searching moral inventory of myself. Yep! That's right. I'm prideful. I don't mean the pride like as rational concern for my appearance or pride in my race or nation or sexuality. I don't mean pride as in haughty, "I'm better than you because I'm richer than you and have nicer things than you." (We all know that's not true). I mean pride as in, "I'm a better person than you."

Where does the pride come from? It comes from being prejudice. And by prejudice, I mean judgmental. The word prejudice has it's origins in the word judge. Prejudice makes for a better title for my post. Pride and judgment just didn't flow. So yeah, being judgmental is hard to admit. I have always “prided” myself on not being judgmental but really, I am. I don't judge others by the house they live in, the clothes they wear, the religion they practice, or the politicians they vote for. I don't judge someone because of their size, shape, color, race, ethnicity, or sexuality. Do you know what I judge others for? Their character flaws. I know, right? Who knew? Not me, until I did this inventory.

I have been judging another by their inability to be honest, their work ethic (or lack of), their temper, their need to be a victim, their selfishness, their inability to complete tasks, their inability to do the things I would like them to do or do them how I want them done, and their inability to meet my expectations. The list could go on and on but this is painful enough. This judgment leads to pride. Me thinking that, "I am always honest, I am a harder worker, I can control my temper at all times, I'm selfless, I can finish anything. You must do things my way for it is the only right way!" These things are just not true. I'm not always honest, I don't always control my temper, and I don't always finish tasks.

So why am I judging others when I walk imperfectly?

I have lot of reasons why, but really, none of them are acceptable. I just need to stop judging others. I think it is something that I am going to have to repent of/make amends for everyday.

And by judging others I mean one person in particular. I think I judge the ones I love and ones that are in my inner circle and the ones whose character flaws affect my life. Those are the people that I need to judge the least and just accept them for who they are.

1000 times

But I say unto you; Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

I have heard this advice/counsel, at minimum, at least 1,000 times. I usually just skim over the verse and think, well I don't have any enemies, so I'm ok. Don't need this one.


Lo and behold, I heard it last week. Not in scriptural reference but as advice from a friend of a friend. I decided to employ it in my life and it worked like a miracle. It made me think of this scripture and that's when I realized I'd heard it 1,000 times.

I have been dealing with a lot with rage and, anger and, hate. (I think I have mentioned this 1,000 times). I don't like rage, and anger, and hate. I don't like who I am when they take over. A friend of mine is going through similar experiences of rage, and anger, and hate. (it's funny how my friends and I live a beneficially symbiotic life). She had a friend tell her that she had to pray for the person who offended her and incited this rage. And she had to pray every day for two weeks. Two weeks? Really?

I thought, "I should do that!" so began my prayers for a person who has offended me. The first time I prayed I felt an outpuring of love for that person. It was like a miracle! The rage is not gone but it certainly lessened tremendously. When I feel the rage coming on, I immmediately start praying for that person. Sometimes the prayer is very direct and out loud. Sometimes it's when I am driving in the car. Sometimes it's in the hallway at school or church. I pray for me to be calm, cool, and collective but, I also pray for that person. My life has been so much calmer. I hope that person's life is beeter beause I have prayed for them.

It really works. You should try it.

And if you and I are in conversation, and I say, "I'm going to pray for you." You will know that you have offended me or made me angry or despitefully used me.

It's funny how I hear things 1,000 times but it doesn't really sink in until my heart is open and ready for change and I'm humble and ready to be taught.

Medical Update

I almost canceled my appointment with the rheumatologist today. I haven't had any pain since the last steroid pack. His office is all the way in Altamonte, I had to take a day off of work, I was afraid of what my co-payment would be because I haven't met my dedcutible this year, I hate getting established as a new patient and a myriad of other reasons.

I decided to go anyway. Since I had the day off I decided to go to the divorce lawyer too. That's a different blog, probably not one I'll share anyway.

My mom rode with me so the drive wasn't too bad. After lots of poking and prodding, which in retrospect, makes me laugh, he said that it was probably a reaction to a virus I had. The only way to know for sure is to wait and see if it returns. If the pain doesn't return, it was viral. If it does, then, well I guess it will be more poking and prodding.

He went ahead and took more blood and a urine sample. I don't know what else there is to test for, but I guess that's why I'm not a doctor. I go back in a month to find out the results of those tests.

I should have crossed my fingers because I have been having pain in my right thigh and my left wrist the past few days. I didn't tell him that. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I am crazy already and he will just diagnose me with more crazy. It seems like no one believes me anyway. When I try to explain it, it sounds non-sensical and the other person usually has a puzzled look on their face. Maybe the pain is just old age.

My own professional diagnosis is that I was abducted by aliens, a chip inserted and then my body rejected it.

All I know for sure is that I don't want the pain that I had before to come back. It was a nightmare.

Behold I Stand at the Door and Knock

A very dear and intuitive friend gave me this print today, matted and framed. I'm speechless. I have been wanting a print of the Savior and well...this one is so appropriate. It's a lesson I have been struggling with for a long time. I'm a visual learner so now maybe I will "get it".

Weak Things Become Strong

While I am traveling this rebuilding journey called my life, I've had to rediscover who I am, what I believe and who I want to become. Although I love to blame others and make excuses for my behaviors, the truth of the matter is I have to take responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day, it's me.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in men, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

In 12-step programs they call it a searching and fearless moral inventory.

Actually, I was doing neither. I wasn't searching and I wasn't going to Heavenly Father in humility. But...my weakness was shown to me in a glaring light. Whether I liked it or not. And I didn't like it! Not one little bit. I was served a big ol' piece of humble pie. I finally admitted my weakness to myself. I got honest with myself and the others involved. I immediately made ammends. I just hope they believe me and trust me to make changes.

I am thankful for grace. I need a bucketful to wash down my weaknesses.

second most embarrassing moment

I'm pretty sure that today I lived my second most embarrassaing moment. Nothing tops the skirt hiked up in Sacrament meeting. I was running late to first period. I grabbed two boxes of files to work on because my first period students have the attention span of a gnat. After a short lesson I usually let them just chill. I had to get this work done. I walked outside my planning office headed to my classroom. I turned too soon and tumbled off the sidewalk. One of the Assistant Principals, who happens to be a rather handsome man, saw me bite the dust. Why couldn't it be one of the women? I was mortified. Then two students showed up to help with the boxes. That means their whole class saw me tumble! Their teacher sent them out to help. Ugh! I almost broke down in a crying delirium but I figured they would haul me off to Lifestream. I held it together the rest of the day.

That's what I get for multi-tasking, walking and carrying boxes.

I blamed the head custodian for moving the sidewalk when I was trying to walk. He said my blonde was showing. Ugh! Ya gotta laugh right?