Plan B - Week 1

:)

Plan "B"

Today I received my Plan B in the mail. It officially started on Monday when the judge signed (or stamped) my final divorce decree. Although I knew it was coming, it was still so...final. It's probably similar, although I don't know for sure, like when you know someone is going to die. You prepare for it, you start the grieving process, you start cleaning out belongings and downsizing, you make plans for the future and then when it actually happens and is final...BLAM! That's right...sorrow. It was kind of physically numbing.

I had to snap out of it quick because I had to work tonight. It was kind of a good distraction. It's also a good thing the pollen count is high. People won't know I'm crying. I just say it's allergies.

All I can say is that a quarter of a century is a long time. It's a lot to process and a lot to let go. This was not in my plans, not what I signed up for.

I am blessed to have a plethora of friends in my support network. They told me that I would be ok. I have to believe them.

My friends and I are symbiotic and, although our situations are not exactly the same, some are facing life changes. My one friend was told to not fear the future but to look at it in wonderment. I wonder what my future will hold? I wonder what my Paln "B" will be?

The Other Side of Sorrow

Sometimes others have words that describe what I am feeling better than I do.

"For what it's worth, this is my experience: at the very moment of my deepest sorrows, no words, no songs, no inspirational thoughts or sympathy card sayings have ever penetrated my grief and brought comfort to my soul. Later, perhaps, and only little by little have those healing tools helped me, but never when the hurt was the greatest. It's been on the journey to the other side of sorrow that the songs and stories of those who've made it there themselves have had the greatest impact." Michael McClean

These are the words on one of his CDs. It really resonated with me. Most days I feel like I am past my deepest sorrows. And then Blam! Not so much. Luckily, the grief doesn't last as long. I would like to think that I am on the journey to the other side of sorrow. The healing tools are starting to work.

I haven't been able to listen to the CD yet because I'm afraid. It gives me comfort though, to know that I'm not alone. Someone else has been there and survived.

Best Mother's Day Ever

I loved the years that my kids made me breakfast in bed or homemade cards or picked wild flowers for Mother's Day but I have to say that I also love that they are all three working, including the little one with babysitting.

This year they all three chipped in and bought me a gift certificate for a one hour deep tissue massage! Oh yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. They are so in tune with my needs. They know that I'm a little stressed lately for some reason. Maybe it's because my head spins and I spew ugly words. Do you think that's it? Maybe they had their own needs in mind when they bought it. If mama's happy, everybody's happy? Nah, I think they did it because they love me. They also bought me some lotion from Bath and Body Works. It has become the girls in this house new favorite store. I bet Parker uses the lotion when we aren't looking. Sometimes his skin gets ashy too! And I also got a Zen Garden. Do you see a link? All things to try and get mom to relax.

After church we had my mom and step-dad over for a Mother's Day lunch. Madison even helped a lot with that and served my lunch. Awesome! The rest of the day we took naps in between watching episodes from How I Met Your Mother.

I love my kids and I love being a mother.

Thank you Madison, Parker and Jensen! Oh and I can't forget Otto and Daisy because they also signed the gift certificate:)

A Man in Uniform

I know I'm not supposed to be looking for a new man yet, my divorce isn't final. I thought I would go ahead and set some standards of what I want him to be like. If you see hide or hair of someone like this have him text, e-mail, or "friend" me on Facebook. Who doesn't love a man in uniform?

The Middletons

I don't know their official title so I am going to call them "The Middletons"

I guess I need to share my opinion of the Royal Wedding. I'm not really "into" the wedding schmedding gala. I really don't approve of the 34 million dollars or pounds that was spent. I'm just glad I'm not British and have to worry about my money being spent that way. I have enough to worry about as to where my tax dollars go. But that's just me being a minimalist. There is another side of me that is fascinated by the event. I don't remember ever thinking that I was a princess when I was younger. I was quite the tomboy so I'm pretty sure I was the solider guarding the princess. I now consider myself a princess of a King, it's not the same, I know. No pomp and circumstance needed for me.

I have to admit that I watched the highlights with intrigue. There are some things that I liked about it. I liked that Kate's dress was simple and modest. I'm not a big fan of lace but, it looked good on her. I like that they honored a lot of Princess Di's traditions and memories. I think Kate is absolutely stunning! I think Princess Di would have approved. No wonder William fell in love with her, she's a lot like his mother. I like that instead of a bunch of cut flowers, she used live tress in Westminster Abbey. For a long time after my Happily-Ever-After was thwarted, I only believed in Good-Enough-Ever-After. After seeing these two kiss as a Prince and Princess, I have to say I might believe in Happily-Ever-After again. I think they might get it. One day maybe I'll get Happily-Ever-After. I have to hope.

Raising Hope

I've been thinking about writing this blog since I watched, "Raising Hope" on Tuesday night. It's funny where we get our inspirtation. I love that show. The family is hysterically dysfunctional and it makes me feel better about my family, the one I was born into and the one I created. I don't think we can ever be that dysfunctional...or could we?

This episode was about the teen dad and his parents trying to get his baby to "self-soothe" and go back to sleep without being picked up and rocked back to sleep. The inspiration came in me thinking that is something I need to do, "self-soothe". Since going through divorce and the emotions it entails, I have indulged in some self-defeating activities that would be more in the line of "eat, drink and be merry" instead of self-soothing.

I've been eating whatever I darn well please. This is usually anything that includes sugar or carbohyrates such as, bags of Oreos and Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Potato Chips. I've been drinking an over abundance of diet coke, and not enough water. (Bet you thought I was going to say booze). And depending on others, like friends, Romans and countrymen, to bring me merriment. Really what I need to do is find merriment within myself. I need to be okay with just me, to find happiness independent of another.

I really don't mind being alone. I spent the whole day with just me. I did some things that needed to be done and some things that had to be done. I had a good time with just me, myself and I.

The part that I abhor is the loneliness. Ugh! It's killing me. Wo(men) are not made to be alone. I now understand why people go from one toxic relationship to another, they don't want to be lonely!

Ok, I think I got off track here with the loneliness. Back to self-soothing. Since no one is going to pick me up and rock me to sleep, some things that I came up with to self-soothe are: read, especially sciptures, finish a jig-saw puzzle that I started months ago, write in my journal, blog, listen to uplifting music, work on my vision board, work on my bucket list, write letters, pray, and hum my favorite hymn. Although I have a plethora of friends, they are not available when I'm lonely. I will use the aformentioned skills. And those countrymen, I just to need to leave them alone, but they are so enticing. Grrr!