I don't remember when I stopped crying. I just did. About once a year I couldn't take it anymore and I would break down and cry. Alone. Then I would pick myself up dust myself off and move on. Other than that I didn't cry. Not even at funerals.
My favorite quote about crying is from "A League of Their Own". Tom Hanks screams at one of the players, "There's no crying in baseball!" I guess that's how I felt. "There's no crying in life." And so I would hold it in.
My other favorite is, "Don't mistake crying for the spirit". I guess people think that if you don't cry then you haven't felt the spirit. I don't think that is true. I remember sitting in several meetings and everyone was boo-hooing and I'm like, "what?" I have even had people come up to me and say, "that didn't make you cry?" Me: um...no.
I wouldn't even cry in movies. Somtimes I would make it a challenge. "Ok, come on, make me cry. Let's see if you can do it." I didn't cry in Marley and Me or at the end of Toy Story 3.
It kind of made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I had a heart of stone, the Ice Queen.
I have been working on crying in therapy for a couple of years. Not crying "in therapy", but feeling my emotions and letting them pass freely through me and know that it's ok. Trying not to supress them and hold them inside.
Now I'm a free crier. Some people are free thinkers, I'm a free crier. If someone makes me happy, I cry. If someone makes me sad, I cry. If somone hurts my feelings, I cry. It still makes me uncomfortable but I'm working on it.
Lately it seems to be out of control. I can't turn off the faucet. I cry so hard my shoulders shake, my eyes get red, and my speech is blubbery (if I can even speak). I just felt like I needed to explain myself. I'm ok or I'll be ok. I'm just practicing. Feeling my emotions. Don't try to stop me just pass me a tissue and give me a hug.
Hopefully now I won't, "catch a cold from the ice inside my soul". I just hope I can find a balance and not be a blubbering idiot.
2 comments:
I think you're doing great!
Love you!
I agree, you don't have to cry when you feel the Spirit. Some people do, some don't. But I think it is great that you are learning how to feel your emotions! Sometimes a good cry makes you feel better.
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