Madison's Long and Winding Medical Road

It began innocent enough at the beginning of the summer. Madison had a constant sinus infection. She could not get into see our regular doctor for more than a month because he was on vacation. In the meantime, she went to CentraCare 3 times and each time they gave her an antibiotic and said she had a sinus infection. Nothing seemed to help. She was also suffering from migraines. One Saturday I took her to the ER because the migraines were so bad. They said that since it had not been diagnosed by a neurologist then it was not a migraine but an acute headache. They gave her glorified Tylenol.

On July 17, she finally got into the regular doctor and he confirmed that it was a sinus infection. He also drew blood. Two days later, July 19, he called her and told her to get to his office immediately because he wanted to do the blood work again to confirm what he was seeing. If what he was seeing were true then she might have to go to the ER. I drove her to work that day, just in case. He called her phone buy I answered because she was in the middle of a haircut. We are voice twins on the phone so the doctor was none the wiser. He told her that her blood platelets were reading 6,000. The normal range is between 150,000-400,000. She was at risk for a "spontaneous bleed". When she finished the haircut, which seemed to be done in slow motion, I whisked her off to the ER.

After they ran their own blood work, which seemed to be in slow motion, they agreed that she needed a blood platelet transfusion. Having been an adult in 1986 at the onset of the AIDS outbreak and Ryan White dying from AIDS contracted from a blood transfusion, I was freaking out inside. The nurse assured that the blood was very clean and had been tested and retested. In her 20 year career, she had never heard of tainted blood. That put my mind at ease. I was thinking that would be the case.

They admitted her to the hospital that night for more tests. They couldn't release her until her blood platelets were in a safe zone.

I was supposed to leave for Iowa for my bike ride the next morning. I had been saving and training for this all year. I was tormented about what to do. I stayed with Madison all night. After much deliberation in my own head, I decided that I would take Jennifer to the airport and if I hadn't heard from the hematologist before the flight boarded then I would stay home. The nurse from the hematologist talked to me on the phone and said that she would be fine. No matter what, it would be a while before they diagnosed her. She was not in any imminent danger and there was nothing I could do. Madison gave me her blessing to go ahead and go. I knew that she would be fine because she had her dad and her grandparents and other family and friends.

She was in the hospital for 4 days. At the end of the stay they diagnosed her with ITP. You will have to google it. It is an auto-immune disorder.

She was also diagnosed with high blood pressure and being low in B-12.

She was put on steroids to bring her blood platelets up. The steroids made her insomnia worse. When it was time to lower the dosage, she went back to the hematologist and her platelets had crashed and she was in danger of needing another transfusion. He raised the steroid dose and that seemed to help.

She went to a neurologist to get her migraines diagnosed. On top of the migraines she also had tremors. Not good for a hair stylist because that means everyone gets a shag. One of her customers noticed that she was shaking. He asked if she had eaten yet that day. He was thinking it was low blood sugar. She just went with that answer so as not to alarm him.

The neurologist said that her steroid numbers were high and he wanted her to see an endocrinologist.  The regular doctor agreed and gave her a referral. The neurologist is also running an EMG on her. That will be tomorrow September 18.

Ok. I got ahead of myself. I said it was a long and winding road. On August 31, Madison woke me up and told me she had a really bad chest pain. I took her to the ER. Her blood levels that indicated a blood clot were elevated. They ran a CT scan and that is when they found a mass in her chest. It was in front of her heart on her thymus gland. You can google that, too. They said it could be a swollen gland or it could be lymphoma. After 8 hours, she was released from ER.

After a two day battle with the front desk of the doctor's office, she finally gets into see the endocrinologist. He diagnoses her with Graves Disease. Again, google. Actually, it wasn't much of a diagnosis. He said it could be three things. It definitely wasn't the other two so it must be Graves Disease. Yes, it is possible for someone to have multiple auto-immune disorders. Graves is an auto-immune disorder that creates hyperthyroidism. Guess what a side effect of the medicine for Graves Disease is? You're right! It lowers blood platelets!!! We decided she should start the medicine until she consulted with the hematologist.

In the meantime, another wind in the road, she had a PETscan done last Monday, September 10. Depending on the results from that they had scheduled a bone marrow biopsy for Friday, September 14. We understood that the PET scan would be the end all be all of diagnosis and its results would be confirmed with a bone marrow biopsy. We had our fingers crossed that the bone marrow biopsy would be cancelled. It wasn't. On a scale of 0-10, 0 being, "go home, you're fine, keep taking steroids, and 10 being. "You have lymphoma" Madison's was a 4.1. Which meant that the bone marrow biopsy would have to take place.

I was able to attend this appointment. He explained what he was going to do. He would try it twice and if he didn't feel good about it then she would have to go to the hospital to have it done. He tried it twice. She is now waiting for them to call to tell her when she will have to go to hospital to have it done. They will use a CT scan so they can actually see what they are doing and can see the bone.

He also said that the mass needed to be biopsied and because of the location it would have to be done by a thoracic surgeon. She is waiting on the phone call of when that will be done. This Friday, a panel of 20 doctors will meet to discuss her case. The regular doctor said she is a "medical marvel". The hematologist said she is "very mature for her age and a real trooper". He said usually he has to carry a box of tissues into the room when he is seeing a patient her age. Of course, as her mother, I know that she is more than a marvel and a trooper. She is absolutely amazing. She has really handled this better than I ever could. She has started a new job. She is basically self-employed because she pays booth rental. She has been dragging herself to work and working long hours. She hardly ever complains. Her medicines occupy a gallon sized ziploc bag. She is truly phenomenal.

I think I have covered all of the twists and turns. She could probably add more. It breaks my heart that I have not been able to go to all of her appointments. I feel blessed to have a job that offers me medical insurance for her. Luckily, her dad is unemployed right now and can go with her to appointments. For the really important ones, where a I think she will get results or the procedure will be difficult I am able to take off time. I am trying to save my hours because who knows how much longer it will be before we get results? And then what will the treatment plan be?

RAGBRAI summary

As part of my Summer of Rediscovery, I signed up to do a 471 mile bicycle ride across Iowa. I had many reasons for embarking on such an adventure, fitness, self-discovery, fun, friendships, to name a few. I have been home for several days and have been trying to process the whole ordeal and figure out what I have learned. The old Debbie would have beat herself up for making the rookie mistake of thinking she could ride the entire mileage. I would have felt like a failure. The ride was grueling. I felt beat down and defeated by the record-breaking heat (heat index of 114 degrees). I faced a myriad of other distractions including allergies, fatigue, dehydration, insomnia. I chose multiple ways to complete my journey. Sometimes I would get off the bike and walk alone, sometimes I walked with another biker, sometimes I drove the support truck, sometimes I took a vehicle to the next town. But you know what? The new Debbie says that it was my journey and my choices. I got to choose how to travel my journey. And it was enough. I am enough.

And next year, I’m gonna kick some butt and ride the whole way!

Fear

I leave for RAGBRAI this Friday. I have a lot of fears that I will be facing. What are they, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

1) Fear of the heat- the ride support is in service from 6am-6pm. I'm going to try and get an early start each day but not sure if I will be able to wake up. I am taking a camel pack, a bottle of water on my bike and I have a basket for extra water. I have sunscreen and sunglasses. I'm from Florida, for Pete's sake. I think I know how to deal with heat.
2) Fear of no support- I went on a bike ride in Winter Garden in April and the support packed up and left before I finished. No bueno.
3) Fear of support-My goal is to not use the SAG Wagon. That's a pretty name, right? I am sagging. Please come pick me up.
4) Fear of leaving my kids-I have never been away this long without at least one of my kids. I know they are practically grown, but...
5) Fear of leaving my house-We have always gone on staycations. never away from home much. Did I pay all of the bills? Will my house burn down? Will a hurricane hit?
6) Fear that my body will shut down-I have been doing strength training 2-3 times a week since mid-may. I have been doing cycle classes about twice a week. I'm still not in the best of shape, but it's too late now.
7) Fear of not getting enough sleep-we are camping every night. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Thursday night I am staying with my friend Ray. yay! Hot shower and a bed. And he promised to make me French toast for breakfast.
8) Fear that Jennifer and I won't be friends when this is over- We did the Winter Garden bike ride together. I didn't really care for her style of encouragement. She would tell me to "try a little harder." What? Try a little harder? I'm busting my arse here. She is 11 years younger, naturally athletic, her thighs are 6 feet long, she has a nicer bike....I've lived a fairly sedentary life until now, my thighs are 2 inches long and I'm riding a borrowed mountain bike. YOU try a little harder to shhhh...I told her that maybe we should not ride together. She could go on a ahead and wait for me. We'll discuss this more when we get there.
9) Fear that my arse will fall off- Not that that would be a bad thing but I am really worried about said body part. I've got padded shorts and balms but still afraid.
10) Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of judgment-Good thing I have Jennifer with me since she has done this for more than 10 years. Everyone knows I am going on this ride, what if I fail. Will they say, " I knew you wouldn't make it"

Most of these fears are unfounded but they are still there. I am ready to face them. I got this.

DivorceCare and Greg

I am part of 2 divorce support groups. I joined the first one in a convoluted manner. I started chatting with a guy on Facebook. He was a friend of a friend but he made smart aleck remarks and I find that highly attractive. We bantered back and forth and then gave him my cell phone number and asked him if he wanted to be text buddies. We texted every day. We were in very similar situations as far as divorce goes. He lives in Missouri. One day he told me that he was going to go to a divorce support group and he told me I should look up the meetings and go. So I did. It is a national group called DivorceCare. They had a local meeting in Mt. Plymouth. I signed up but then when the day came I started talking myself out of going. Greg, my texting buddy, told me I better go...or else. I found the house. I drove past. There were no cars in the driveway. I went down the street. Turned around passed the house. Drove past. Texted Greg. Told him I wasn't going. He said, "You're going". So I did it. Got out of my car and went to the first meeting. There I found a roomful of people who were going through the exact same thing. There is a curriculum. We watched a video and then had a discussion. Some people shared their stories. I just sat and cried. I texted Greg and told him that I hated him because he made me go. He said, "You liked it and you're going back. You need to heal".

I finished the curriculum. I made it to as many nights as I could. The meetings were on Friday nights. The only nights I missed were when Jensen marched in the band at the football games. Greg would berate me for not going.

Btw, he went to two meetings and then quit. What a loser. He said he felt healthy after hearing the other women's story. And besides, he had a girlfriend already. We continued to text everyday. Giving each other advice. Me giving him more than he gave me because he is a numbskull. I told him that he needed to marry his girlfriend. He did in January of this year. They are living happily ever after. I don't text him as much as I used to. Maybe every other week. I still give him marriage and relationship advice. I don't think he likes it much because I'm usually on his wife's side. I hope to meet them in person when I go for my bike ride across Iowa.

Uranus

I have two students in my office. One is a good reader so she is taking her test by herself (Student A). The other student is not a strong reader so I am helping him read (Student B). He reads a paragraph then I read a paragraph. The chapter topic is: Planets. It is my turn to read. I come across the word Uranus. I'm fairly certain that it is now correctly pronounced U-ruh-nus yet I still ask, "How does your teacher pronounce it? U-ruh-nus?"

Student A: "Yes, U-ruh-nus. Some kids say Ur-anus. They are so immature"

Me: "Yeah! So immature."

Meanwhile Student B is reading and say "Ur-anus".

Me: Giggling to myself.

Why is that always funny to me? It's my arrested development at the age of 12.

Summer of Rediscovery

The winter of my discontent has passed. How do I know you ask? Is it because the calendar reads "April"? Is it because like the silk worm I spun a chrysalis and am now emerging as a beautiful butterfly? No, the winter of my discontent is over because Adele can no longer make me cry! That's right, her songs no longer apply. I am on the mend.

I'm going to skip right over spring because I don't have a catchy phrase for it but this summer is going to be my Summer of Rediscovery! I stole this from an acquaintance, a guy from my support group. All of the divorce self-help tells one to spend time discovering who they are, do things you have never done, do things you used to do when you were single. So I signed up for a 471-mile bike ride across Iowa! I know, crazy right? What was I thinking? Peer pressure?

My friend, Jennifer Bacon, is from Iowa and has ridden in RAGBRAI (the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) for 10 years. I followed her on facebook the first year I met her when she was riding. I thought it sounded fun but impossible. I told her I wanted to go with her this year. I was kind of kidding, not really, but maybe. I thought, "I'll say I want to go but not follow through." But she wouldn't let me. She called me up when plane ticket prices started rising. She turned on the pressure. "We have to get them now, before the priced go up." I tried to whine and say I didn't have the money and what will Jensen do? And I will die...She wouldn't accept any of my lame-o excuses. Her counter was, "You need to do this for you! It is a stress reliever (really? 471 miles? on a bike?) And it is sooooo much fun. You will love my friends that I ride with and they will love you. And one of my friends is cute and he's your age. " Always, the perky cheerleader. So I caved.

I bought the plane ticket and thought, "I'll buy the ticket and I can always just go visit some new friends that I have made that are from Iowa." And I could check out the cute guy :)

And then deadline for RAGBRAI came around. I had to commit. More money...now I can't get out of this. So this summer...July 21-29, I will have my big fanny on a little bike riding across Iowa. (which is not flat, contrary to popular belief!) 7 days, 471 miles, sleeping in a tent at night.

That guy dang well better be cute! and rich!!!

Modern Hero

I didn't get a current picture when we had dinner in Orlando. *kicking self*



This is my friend Liz. I met Liz at BYU. (I’m gonna say BYU and not BYU-Provo because there was only one BYU). My roommate Jacque, also from Florida, came home one day and said, “There is an apartment full of girls from Florida!” I knew that I must meet them because, hey, people from Florida are awesome. There were indeed 3 girls from Apartment 4 that were from Florida, and one from Indiana. We became fast friends. One of the girls had attended FSU for her undergraduate degree. While there, she was in a sorority. They came up with the notion that BYU should have sororities. So without acknowledgment from the administration of BYU, Gamma Nu was formed. Jacque and I were the fourth and fifth charter members. And as with all sororities, we participated in Rush Week. I’m not sure everything that it involved. I’m sure I have blocked the events from my memory because they involved self-humiliation. I do remember doing push-ups in front of the Harold B. Lee Library.

Liz and I had many adventures together. I remember driving my VW bug to Salt Lake City because she and Sandy were buying motorcycles. They drove the motorcycles home. Liz later wrecked hers. I don’t remember a lot of details but I’m pretty sure that was the end of her need to ride a motorcycle. As you can see she survived.

Liz was a music composition major. I remember going down into the catacombs of the Harris Fine Arts Center and watching and listening as she composed music. I remember thinking, “How does she do that? How does she know what comes next?” I’m still in awe. She taught me that the hardest part of a song is the ending. If a song ends in a fade out then the person took the easy way out because he/she couldn’t think of an ending.

Liz graduated from BYU in a timely manner, unlike some of us. I remember her first job was directing a Catholic choir in California. Oh the irony! It made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or apartment, Jacque and I get a roommate that…um…(to be Christ-like) we didn’t care for. We must have voiced our disdain quite a bit. We did. I really liked her brother and sister, but not her. It might have been the way she looked down her nose at me. Not sure, but probably.

Meanwhile, back in California, Liz gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.

Meanwhile, back in Provo, the roommate that I don’t care for gets a mission call to Nova Scotia.
Fast forward to Liz and Monica become mission companions. Small world, right? Liz got to know Monica on a deeper, more spiritual level and to this day she swears she is a nice person. Ok, we’ll just leave it at that.

Liz and I lost contact until one day when Facebook was invented. Yes, this becomes one of those miraculous reunions brought about by Facebook. Although, I think Liz and I are eternal friends and would have found a way to reconnect through snail mail.

Actually, I saw Liz for the first time in years when she was featured in the Ensign. Yes, that’s right! I’m so proud to call her my friend. She is using her life to do what we all dreamed of doing when we were young and unjaded. When she prays for World Peace, she actually does something about it. She brings peace to the children left orphaned in war torn countries. She founded a nonprofit organization, The Shropshire Music Foundation. You can read her story here. Please feel inclined to make a donation. I can testify that Liz lives like a pauper and that all of the money goes to the effort. She recently formed a Board of Directors to oversee the details and they forced her to take a minimal salary. (very minimal, less than a fast food worker minimal).

So why this tribute to my friend? In February, Liz was in Florida for a few days and we were able to have dinner together. Liz is the type of friend that I feel like we picked up where we left off. We will always have fun. It was not near enough time to visit but I know there will be more. If we could spend more time together I’m sure that we could solve all of the problems of this world. We have very similar beliefs…besides church. I love you, Liz!

Turn on the Light!

I'm wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I feel like I am the star of a major motion picture, not the beautiful star that falls in love with the handsome leading man and they live happily ever after but, the dumb one that does dumb stuff. For example, the one that goes into a dark room and doesn't turn on the light. Or the one that keeps making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. The audience screams, "Ugh! Are you kidding me?", "Again?", "Don't do it dummy!" Some members of the audience get up and walk out because they can't believe what is happening. They shout, "If she does that again, I'm not watching anymore!" Some people continue to watch because it is like a train wreck. They just can't turn away. They feel better about their own lives. Sometimes I feel like part of the audience and I can hear myself screaming, "Don't do it!"

I thought by writing this blog that I could get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I'll see as the day progresses. It's a start, right?

Walk Away

Sometimes songs touch my soul. I wasn't expecting this one to but obviously something happened because when I heard it I started sobbing. I think that Ruth King was looking into my soul when she wrote it because it is spot on. I'm not going to write them all because that would be copywright infringement.

I lived my life afraid to trust
And now today
I’m standing face to face with my worst fear
So this is where we are
Now that we’ve come so far
You do not want me here

In spite of too many scars
We loved with our broken hearts
True love was just out of reach
Kept my heart from seeing

I have to walk away
I plead, I scream, but I have learned
I cannot live a lie
I am in love but I
Need loving in return

WALK AWAY ©2009 Ruth King

I'm in Love!

Well, I've gone and done it. I'm in love! He's not tall, dark and handsome. He's not rich and famous. Actually, he's not even a he. It's me! I'm in love with me! Fooled you, huh?

My therapist,(are you getting tired of hearing about my therapist?) said that it would be wise if I were not in a relationship for at least a year or two. I guess I will have to tell that line of men to go home and wait. LOL! There are no men. She said with a break-up, it usually takes at least two years to heal. And that's a break-up with no trauma. Aren't all break-ups traumatic?

She said that I need to go through all of the events in life being unencumbered by another relationship. By events she means holidays, anniversaries, blah, blah, blah. She says I need to experience the emotions and feelings that go with those. What does she know? Like she's some kind of expert. LOL Just kidding.

She also said that I need to love myself, to actually fall in love with myself, spend time with myself. She has noticed a habit of me doing well and then sabotaging myself and then falling into self-destructive behaviors, which would explain all last week. I asked her why I did this and she said it is what I know and what I am comfortable with. (Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

My question to her is how do I learn to love myself? I thought I did, but not if I have these self-sabotaging behaviors. She gave me a few ideas. I'm a visual learner though so I needed to see a list. I went home and did what everyone does when they want to know something. I googled it. Actulally, I was at school, on lunch so I had to bing it. The school board has blocked Google.

I found a list of how to fall in love with yourself. Here it is with my editorial of how I'm doing:

1. Fall in love with yourself- nuture yourself, be gentle and kind. As women and mothers we learn to put our needs last. It's hard to unlearn. I'm learning to recognize my needs and fulfill them, still not always first on my list but at least I am recognizing them.
2. Eliminate self-criticism- I am the Queen of Self-deprecation. I'll be the first to admit I'm a loser or I'm fat or I'm ugly. I guess I want to point it out before someone else does. I want people to know that I know. Kind of like beating them to the punch-line.
3. Be kind and positive-praise yourself everyday in front of a mirror. Most days when I look in the mirror I call myself a hideous beast. On the days that I don't I say, "I give up!"
4. Acknowledge your effort- I'm so quick to point out my weaknessess and shortcomings. I'm getting better at acknowledging the good. See my blog, "Rescuing Myself." I don't give myself credit for the good things I HAVE done.
5. Let go of worry-only focus on wise actions. Ask God for a desired outcome and then let it work itself out. I'd say I'm pretty good at not worrying. Every once in a while it will hit me of the predicament that I'm in and I panic. I AM proud of myself for opening a bank account in my mother's name so that when I have to file bankruptcy, I will have some money saved that the bankruptcy court can't take. I get a check mark for wise actions.
6. Trust yourself-have confidence, visualize outcome. My confidence was obliterated. I don't trust myself or anyone else. And if I'm honest here, I don't trust God. But I am re-building. That's what my friend says about her favorite baseball team when they've had a bad year. "They're rebuilding".
7. Forgive yourself-Forgiving is easy it's the forgetting that's the hard part.
8. Be truthful to yourself- If you are happy, acknowledge joy. If you are sad, acknowledge sorrow. Thoughts can be changed. My therapist says to not to become attached to my feelings. I guess this is what she means.
9. Grow spiritually-When you are spiritual you become more peaceful, connected, kind and loving and compassionate. For me, this is always a work in progress.
10. Make positive affirmations everyday- I have my affirmations printed out and taped to my mirror and my bedroom wall. Maybe they would work if I actually read them out loud everyday.
11. Express Gratitude- to yourself. never thought of expressing gratitude to myself. Hmmm...
12. Nuture your dreams- I have my bucket list that I am working on.
13. Boost your self-confience-Improve skills that you have. I've decided that I'm a good teacher so I signed up to be a mentor with an organization that my co-worker helped found. It's called Community Coach. I will be mentoring youth that are in the Teen Court program. I'm excited to be giving back to my community.
14. Relax-what's that?
15. Have fun- check. Lots of fun things on my bucket list.
16. Look after your body-Hmmphf! I've been trying with a tiny bit of success.
17. Learn to see beauty-check

I'm excited and looking forward to falling in love with me. it's the first time in a long time that I left therapy happy. :)

47

I have to admit that I was not a very nice person on my birthday. It was a real struggle for me. Lots of emotions coming to the surface. I spent a lot of the day crying. I didn't want to, but I did. At the end of the day, love won. I have so many friends and family to be thankful for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I didn't return calls or texts or messages on facebook until the end of the day. I just really wanted to be alone and waller in my emotions. But my friends and family were persistant. I think I am rather transparent by now.

I started the day with a walk with my friend Sherie. I knew that I had to get a walk in because Jensen was at home making me a cake. Sherie and I walked two miles. I came home and walked another three.

Melody and Jean both called and sang Happy Birthday, at separate times. Melody invited me to breakfast but I wouldn't go.

Jensen made me a cake and she and Madison cleaned the house for me. They gave me my gifts, the movie "Rio" that Jensen and I had seen together at the theatres and a pair of my very own headphones that I can use with their Ipods when I go walking.

The three of us watched a marathon of Arrested Development, my favorite TV show. It always makes me laugh and laugh I did. Madison went to work, Jensen went to band camp and I ran errands and cried some more. Then went to work and cried some more when Melody showed up at Domino's with all five of her kids and sang Happy Birthday to me. I guess I should have answered her texts.

When I got home from work there was a sign on my door that said, "Happy Birthday Sister Stanford." It was signed by all of the students in my Sunday school class, even Ethan Garrett before he left. They have been planning this for quite some time, little sneaks. They gave me two pairs of funky reading glasses. I cried some more.

Robin Evans had made me some delicious cupcakes. I didn't return her messages either. She sent them home with Jensen from church. They were delicious! I cried again.

At church Jensen had made another gift for me. It is a cute little scrapbook. It incorporated all of the things that I like. I cried again.

I got 72 birthday wishes on Facebook. I got texts that wished me happy birthday. I didn't count those yet. Oh, and my drinking buddy Bob Shofkom called to wish me a Happy Birthday.

So, even though I was in a snit, my friends and family still love me unconditionally and I am forever grateful and I hope they don't give up on me.

Mending My Net

This week's feelings are brought to you by, "I am ugly". This has not been a good week. I have been feeling ugly. No I'm not fishing for compliments. It is what it is.

I thought I was almost finished with therapy. I even had my therapist convinced...almost. She let me cancel one appointment but she said she wanted to keep the other ones scheduled, just in case. She's very wise. She busted me. Well really it might have something to do with that I couldn't stop crying at my last appointment. She had said before that every once in a while I would still have emotions come to the surface. I didn't believe her. Now I do.

I told her I had been feeling really ugly. I feel used, dried up, old, ugly, unlovable, unattractive, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I have nothing to give. She said, "When fishermen can't fish, they mend their nets. Now is the time for you to mend your net." In other words, I have to work on my innards. My soul. My self-worth. My divine nature.

Then she said we are going to do some inner child work. My assignment this week is to get out a picture of myself when I was five and write a letter to that little girl. Great! If you see me crying just move along.

And then she upped my appointments to once a week.

My Dwindling Village

Today I took two of my best friends to the airport. Danette and Melena, and of course Camryn, but she is Jensen's best friend.

Danette is leaving me again! I can't help but think in the back of my mind that it will only for be for 7 months again, but I really don't think so.

We became even closer friends when they moved back from Montana. Since she found out she was moving to Wyoming, it seems we experienced a lot of the same emotions as we went simultaneously through major life changes.

She was my sounding board. I would call her up and vent and rant and rave and she would listen. She was part of my village, my circle of trust. I'm really going to miss her. I know that with today's technology we can still keep in touch, but I can't walk to her house when I am angry or lonely or bored. Well I could but by the time I got there I will forget what I went for. Because according to Melena, "It would take you 28 days and 13 hours of non-stop walking to get from Florida to Wyoming. with a total of 2,093 miles".

I really think their leaving was the source of my crying jig that lasted for several days. Their friendship has been invaluable to me. They have been really supportive emotionally and physically. They are always helping me take care of Jensen, giving her rides places, giving me rides places. Letting Jensen practically live with them. Letting me practically live with them.

It's unwritten but if something happens to me, they get Jensen. We've always talked about it. They actually want partial custody of her now. They will probably get her for two weeks in the summer. I'm really gong to miss them.

You can read more about our friendship here or here

Rescuing Myself

On occasion, I get overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness, truthfully, on a lot of occasions. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with financial burdens, truthfully, a lot of times. When I get these feelings it makes me feel like I am a damsel in distress and I need a hero on a white horse to come into my life and rescue me. Then the daydream is over and reality slaps me across the face.

I don't like feeling like the damsel in distress. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable. It leads to bad decisions. I mentioned it to my therapist. She had the best piece of advice. She said, "You don't need anyone to rescue you, you have rescued yourself! You pay your bills, you have a good job, you have your education, you have made so much progress in every part of your life. You're doing this!" And then I had a moment of enlightenment. "Yeah! I'm doing this! I don't need anyone to rescue me!"

I still wouldn't mind that hero on the white horse. Or black horse. Or brown horse. Or he could even walk. No never mind. I'll take one with a nice car. He can take me to dinner, pay my bills, we could hang out. No rescuing needed. :)

Go ME!

During the last few years I have not been stepping on a scale much, as you can clearly see. I have been eating whatever I want. I figured that I needed comfort and the only way I was going to get that was with food. Apparently, I have thought that way for several years.

When things started going sour with my marriage, I started seeing a psychiatrist. He put me on anti-depressants. I'm sure these had something to do with SOME of the weight gain. I knew it was a side effect, but I didn't care. I knew I needed the anti-depressants at the time to help keep me alive. I tried several different anti-depressants; I think four to be exact. I quit each ones for various reasons from side effects to cost. The last on I was on made me have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure in my entire life. In the meantime, the psychiatrist also put me on a sleep medication. I noticed that with a good night's sleep that I wasn't as depressed, as frenetic, as anxious, or have as many racing thoughts. It was also the time that I had that debilitating virus. It was also the time when issues in my life were starting to resolve themselves. I thought it would be a good time to go off of the anti-depressants. It was.

During recent weeks, on occasion, I would step on the scale. I noticed that I had lost a pound or two here and there. I would think, "hmmm, it's a light day," or "hmmm...I'm sure I will gain it back." The scale kept going down and I wasn't even trying.

Sooo...I decided to try! This week I have been making myself aware of calorie intake. I have been exercising, even if it's in the Florida heat! I have been drinking lots of water. I only eat when I am hungry. If I have to eat my emotions I try to make it nutritionally dense calories. The scale continues to go down. This week I celebrated a 10 pound weight loss by buying (on clearance) a hot pink workout shirt for me and a matching one for Madison and Jensen! When I am finished I hope to look as hot as my friend Melody Shipley.

Kayak-yak-yaking

Jensen woke me up at 6:30 and we sported our new workout shirts and we went for a two mile walk. I have been reading about High Intensity Interval Training so we incorporated some of that.

Sister Mann wanted to have Melena over for one last breakfast before the Garretts move to Wyoming. Since Melena and Jensen are salt and pepper shakers, she invited Jensen too. Danette, Camryn and I were lucky enough to tag along. Sister Mann makes the "best" breakfasts, let me tell you. Pancakes, French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, and orange rolls for dessert. Yum!

As soon as Danette dropped me off at my house her mom, Dana came to pick me up. We were off to Anastasia State Park for a Single Adult activity. When we got there, we walked down to the beach to call everyone to lunch. I took a dip in the ocean and it was splendid. It was so hot outside but the water was nice and cool. We had a tasty lunch and then Dana and I were off to rent kayaks.

I had never been kayaking but it has been on my bucket list. Dana wasn't sure if she was gonna go. She didn't at first but once she saw how much fun I was gonna have she told me to wait up.

The water was absolutely beautiful. It was actually in an inlet so we didn't have to fight the waves or the sharks. They told us we could go around the bend to the light house. I paddled over and could see the lighthouse and got fairly close but saw no reason to go right up to it. Plus, being the frugal person that I am, I didn't want to rent the kayak for more than an hour. I just paddled around and sometimes I would sit and the let the water carry us. It was very calm and serene. The whole time I was kayaking saw flying fish come up out of the water. Sometimes they were right close. On the way back to shore I saw a school of about three or four dolphins. They were only about 50 feet away. It was amazing. I watched them for a while and it looked like they were really in school. They traveled several hundred feet and then one of them turned around like he/she was the teacher.

As soon as Dana dropped me off, I jumped in the shower and then a few minutes later Danette picked me up. Roxanne Ingalls had invited the girls over who had helped serve dinner at the High Council Chritstmas party. It was Nellie, Nashua, Jensen, Melena and Lauren. Luckily, the mothers were invited. We had yummy Navajo tacos and fruit crepes. After eating, we played a card game.

It was a long, eventful day. No weight loss but lots of yummy food, exercise and fun friends. Zip-lining is the next fun adventure for me and Dana. I can't wait!

Janine Porter

Today I went to the temple. I haven't been in several months, too many months. The underlying reasons being that I haven't felt very Christlike and then a series of unfortunate events that were poor choices on my part. (Don't judge me). I thought since so much time had passed and I had worked through lots of issues, that I would be ok. Not so much.

It was actually bittersweet. The bitter part being that I was flooded with emotions of grieving. The sweet part being that I ran into a friend that created a blast from the past.

When I was baptized at the age of 10, I had the most amazing Branch President, Evan D. Porter, Jr. and he had the most amazing wife, Janine. They had the most amazing marriage. I remember, as a youth, thinking that I wanted my marriage to be just like theirs. They were so in love and so committed to the gospel. In my mind, they were perfect. President Porter was an amazing leader. When he spoke to me I felt like he was talking to my soul. He could see inside. I wanted to do what was right so as not to disappoint him. The counsel that he gave to me in my youth was a major reason that I made the correct choices that I did.

President Porter was there when the Branch became a Ward. Then they moved to Kissimmee. He became the Stake President. He had a lot to do with the planning of the Orlando Temple. He helped to find the property and met with planning and zoning commissioners. I'm not sure if he got to enjoy the temple when he was on this earth. He passed away from cancer 19 years ago this week. President Porter was the type of person that I know Heavenly Father wants working close to him so I am sure that is why he died at such a young age. He had much work to do.

It seems like every time I go to the temple, I think of the Porters. Yesterday was no exception. I sat down in the chapel and saw a lady that looked like Janine. I thought, "Nah, that can't be her. She lives in Arizona now." When we got to the next room, I could see her face and knew it was her. I sat beside her and cried the whole time. After the session, we were able to chat and catch up. It was a wonderful visit. She told me about her kids that I use to babysit. It's hard to believe so much time has passed. She also told me that she just retired from being a middle school teacher.

Although I loved seeing her, it was a difficult reminder that I never achieved the type of marriage that she had. We still have a lot in common. We both lost our husbands, we both love our children, we both are middle school teachers, we are both daughters of God, we both went to the temple yesterday and most important I have to remind myself that I still have all of the same promised blessings.

Today was not a coincidence.

Guilty Parent Syndrome (GPS)

This is a textbook case of what I have diagnosed as Guilty Parent Syndrome. After the last year and with me having to work two jobs, I feel guilt.

It was time for a visit to my friend, Elaine (Ellie Mae Clampett). Since I had a workshop in Howey, I thought that is half-way so I will go visit her one of those days. I had her pick up Jensen in Howey and then I went over afterwards. Jensen spent the night and I went back Tuesday to pick her up. In the meantime, Jensen fell in love with Red. Elaine had rescued Red from a neighbor who was neglecting him. Jensen begged and begged for Red to come home with us. I tried to dissuade her. "What about Daisy? What about Otto? There will not be enough love to go around". "Who will take him for walks?" "Who will clean up after him?" She said, with big sad eyes, that she would do all of that. I'm thinking, while I roll my eyes "Yeah, right."

She said that she was responsible. I had to agree with her on that one. I often say that she is the most responsible person in this house, including me. All week long, she cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. She washed dishes, washed clothes, cleaned the front porch, cleaned the back porch, and cleaned the back yard. I should have held out for more chores being done, but on Friday night, Red came home with us. Crazy? I know. But who can say, "No?" to Jensen? I'm such a pushover. At least I don't feel guilt anymore.

Fear not

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. I don't know why, I just am. A few weeks ago I read an article on aol.com about a woman who was facing her fears. She had lost a job that she'd had for a long time. She felt like she was starting her life all over. For some reason, that resonated with me. She decided that she would face a fear each day and record it. Luckily, she is a writer and received a huge advance for a book. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to face my fears.

Over the last few years, I have had been forced to overcome my fears whether I liked it our not. Now, as I move forward, I have will face my fears on my own...hopefully. I will face them before they face me. The author of the article would face fears like skydiving, living in a foreign country, speaking up when she had an opinion. She was trying to find her voice and be heard. Again, like me.

While I had been thinking about fear my friend Debbie Carter gave a talk in church about fear. I loved the quote she used by Thomas S. Monson, "Fear is the enemy of growth and accomplishment."

"Yes," I thought, "That's it!"

I want to grow and accomplish much.

Sometimes I feel like I am fearless but the truth of the matter is, I have lots of fears. My bucket list is full of facing my fears like bungee jumping, going on the Tower of Terror, and swimming with sharks. (That one is not really on there but it sounded cool). It's not just about the adrenaline rush.

Some of the fears I am going to be facing head on and that I may or may not record (since I'm not getting money) are:

Change-Actually I kind of like change now. Bring it on.

Money- or lack thereof. But “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). I am trying to be prepared. This one takes a lot of faith, too. My house is in foreclosure, but I am preparing for the final day occupancy. I know that I will be taken care of and I won't be homeless. And even if I have to live in a van down by the river, that will be ok, too.

What others think- I know I am not supposed to care what others think but let's face it. We all do to some degree. I just don't want to disappoint my kids or friends or family. I value their opinion. I try not to let what others think be my guiding force and make decisions for myself.

Giving up control- this one takes faith also. I've had to really strengthen my faith and let God take control of my life.

Speaking up-It's really hard for me to express my beliefs if they differ from others. I'm getting better at it. It's also difficult for me to speak up and talk to new people. I know you're rolling your eyes and saying, "Seriously?" It's a true story.

I hope to grow much and accomplish much. Maybe one day I will get a book deal. Who knows? Myabe postmortem?

See Ya Later

I've tried to avoid this as long as possible because I break out in tears when I think about it, but it's time to say goodbye to three of my favorite people. I thought about naming this entry a Farewell to Friends, but I don't want this to be a farewell. I want it to be a 'see ya later'. I know it will be.

I just want to share some of my favorite memories.

Brianna Carter-
Driving to Apopka and jammin' to the tunes, laughing hysterically, having dinner in Apopka's ghetto, shopping, Rebounderz, the beach, texting, sharing her testimony with me at Adam-ondi-Ahman

Debbie Carter-
going to the temple, book club, serving in Young Women-listening to her lessons, she's an amazing teacher! Blogging-I love reading her blogs. Her example has kept me blogging even with long gaps in my posts. It's a way for me to write my personal history. When I post, I look forward to her comments. I'm pretty sure she is my most avid commenter.

Her husband once counseled me that I needed to make friends with people that had strong testimonies. I picked Debbie. (I'm sure he regrets that counsel). I borrowed strength from her testimony when mine was wavering. She has proven trustworthy and non-judgmental. She has listened to me rant and rave and carry on, whether it was through e-mails or chatting while we walk. We talked about everything from families, to politics, to gospel doctrine. She's a great cheerleader. She set an example for my by serving a service mission. Now serving is on my bucket list. I want to be like Debbie when I grow up.

Doug-
My favorite thing to do is rib him about his lame Jet Ski driving skills and how he can't dump me into the lake.

President Carter, as my Stake President, spent countless hours counseling me when I was downtrodden. Most of the time we sat knee-to-knee. (How could I not be obedient, right?) He pushed me to grow spiritually and to raise the bar. He once gave me a blessing and in the blessing he said I needed to have charity. I was pretty sure he was mistaken. I mulled it over for a few days. I finally called him and asked, "Are you sure that's right? I'm supposed to have charity?' He said, "Yes, that is correct." Even though I knew the definition of charity, and I feel like I have a charitable heart, I had never really been tested on it. So I prayed for charity. It took a while, but it finally came. He was right. That's what I needed and it's what the Lord wanted for me. President Carter was there for me, day or night. He often knew what I was thinking and feeling without me even telling him, or without me even knowing myself. I know he had this power because of his calling, but I also think it is one of his spiritual gifts. If I was able to choose a brother, it would be Doug Carter.

So now, as you leave on the next chapter of your lives, I bid you adieu. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Til we meet again...